Tag: musings

It’s a Wonderful Life… er, I mean time to promote your book

image“Daddy, every time a bell rings, an author sells a book!”

That’s one of my favorite lines from the Frank Capra Classic, “It’s a Wonderful Life.” It always makes me smile and never fails to offer hope and…

What?

That’s not how it goes?

Well, that’s embarrassing.

But still! The holiday season is one of the best times of year to get your book out there in front of prospective readers and buyers. Everyone is looking for something unique to give their loved ones and friends. And if they can’t get a Star Wars waffle iron before they sell out, why not your book? The key, of course, is to use a light coat of cooking oil in the batter and then…

Sorry. I got sidetracked. Continue reading It’s a Wonderful Life… er, I mean time to promote your book

It’s official: Let’s try this post again! (In its entirety this time)

(Note: This has been updated from the original post earlier this morning, which was missing 300 words thanks to the new “auto-save” feature on the new “WordPress Editor.” In short: I almost had a stroke already this morning…)

image The latest round in The Public Blogger’s “Performer of the Year” competition has been completed, and thanks to your continued support — and a little help from Canada,eh? — I not only made it through the round but remain in the No. 1 spot after sweeping the public and judges vote. And yes, and investigation has been launched.

My reaction when the results were posted was something along the lines of:

“HOLY @#$%!”

So what does this mean exactly?

I have no idea, other than I’ll be heading into Round Six with my fellow nominees — Oscar, Rebecca, Kelly and Charles — this Sunday for our next challenge, which is called “RAW.” The one thing I do know is that if they want the ratings to stay up, it better include me keeping my clothes on. Continue reading It’s official: Let’s try this post again! (In its entirety this time)

It’s official: Canadians still like me pretty much

(Note: This has been updated from the original post earlier this morning, which was missing 300 words thanks to the new “auto-save” feature on the new “WordPress Editor.” In short: I almost had a stroke already this morning…)

image The latest round in The Public Blogger’s “Performer of the Year” competition has been completed, and thanks to your continued support — and a little help from Canada,eh? — I not only made it through the round but remain in the No. 1 spot after sweeping the public and judges vote. And yes, and investigation has been launched.

My reaction when the results were posted was something along the lines of:

“HOLY @#$%!”

So what does this mean exactly? Continue reading It’s official: Canadians still like me pretty much

A sneak peek at my 24-hour Canadian citizenship

image Who doesn’t LOVE Canada, AY? Moose. Mounties. Molson. Maple syrup. Mike Meyers. And lots of other uniquely Canadian things that begin with the letter “M.”

Which is why I was excited to be given Canada (yes, the whole country) as my guest for the next round in The Public Blogger’s “Performer of the Year” competition tomorrow!

I actually have several readers who claim to be from Canada — and hey, I believe them. In fact one of them, fellow humorist and tireless thespian rights activist Ross Murray, actually sent me a can of real maple syrup once! And I know it was genuine because the label was written in actual Canadian-uh-ish. Plus, the contents were measured in metric kilograms.

Or millimeters.

No, pentagrams.

Anyway, he was also gracious enough to make a brief cameo in my video for tomorrow night’s competition. Not that he’s wearing briefs in the actual video, just so we’re clear. Continue reading A sneak peek at my 24-hour Canadian citizenship

Don’t let thoughts of Tofurky ruin your NaNoWriMo

image Let’s be honest: No one is going to read this.

Why?

Because everyone is busy finishing their own novel this month. Who has time to read about writing tips when they have 20,000 words remaining in their 50,000-word manuscript and a 30-lb. Thanksgiving turkey already thawing in the sink? Not to mention that, in less than two weeks, many NaNoWriMo participants will be following up their day of giving “thanks” by attacking fellow shoppers on Black Friday for the last pair of “The Walking Dead” slippers. What if their fingers get broken during a tussle at Target? Or they get walloped at Walmart? Mauled at Macy’s? Shanked at Sears? Body slammed at Bloomingdales?

You get the idea.

A lot of writers are feeling the pressure to finish their manuscripts before the end of next week because anything can happen once Thanksgiving Day arrives Nov.26. No one wants to take the chance of being within 500 words of finishing their manuscript, only to have it consumed in a sudden turkey flashover thanks to the combustable nature of aunt Renee’s new whiskey stuffing recipe. And even supposing a writer and their manuscript make it through the holiday unscathed, there’s still Black Friday to get through. Will they make it back safely? Will they make it back without emotional scarring? Will they make it back at ALL? If not, will their family be taken care of?

Or more importantly, will there be a ghost writer available to finish their manuscript in before Nov.30?!? Continue reading Don’t let thoughts of Tofurky ruin your NaNoWriMo

Don’t let your Thanksgiving turkey become memorable for the wrong reasons

imageThe countdown has begun. Before long, thousands will be in the kitchen preparing their very first Thanksgiving turkey. As a service to readers, I felt a responsibility to help educate people about foodborne illness by offering a special holiday feature that I’d like to call:

Don’t lose your giblets this Thanksgiving.

Being a writer, I’ve naturally spent a good portion of my career working in the food service industry. And like most writers, it was there that I was able practice my craft and eventually acquire something that ALL good writers must have: A Food Handler’s Card.

Because of this, I can stand before you as someone highly qualified to talk turkey.

So let us begin. Continue reading Don’t let your Thanksgiving turkey become memorable for the wrong reasons

Exhausted and appreciative isn’t a bad way to end the night

image After a six-hour delay, three glasses of wine, a short nap and waking up to our Labrador sniffing my face (just glad I wasn’t laying on my stomach), the final results from the fourth round of The Public Blogger’s “Performer of the Year” competition were revealed a short time ago on my Facebook page. It took me a while to comprehend it. Not because of the wine, but from the sheer appreciation I feel for all of your support. The next glass I raise will simply be as a toast to all of you. Thank You all so much… I’m heading to bed — exhausted and deeply appreciative.

Care to join me in limbo? There’s a seat open…

imageFor those of you following my pursuit of “Performer of the Year” at The Public Blogger, and wondering how today’s voting went… you’re not alone. As of 4 p.m. the final tallies for the top six, as well as who will be elminiated in this round, have not been revealed. And I swear I didn’t fall asleep and miss something. Here’s the information I received a short time ago on my Facebook page from the show.

Dear Ned — You were eliminated three weeks ago. Why are you still here?

Ha! Ha! ! What a kidder!

Oh, here it is…

Special Announcement: ‪#‎AStarisBorn‬ and Falling Star

Good afternoon fans, supporters, neighbors and followers of A Star is Born. The delay has caught everyone off guard, but solutions are never far. A formal announcement will be made by 5PM PST Today, and I assure you, within the next 24 hours one of the seven Artists… will be thrown from the stage. Your patience is appreciated as the show will go on. – thepublicblogger

Drama! Supense! Intrigue! Danger! And by that last one I mean the danger of interfering with my dinner schedule. I promise to keep you up to date as informatin becomes available. But as of right now, you share the same loop as I do.

Scary, I know.

In the meantime, I want to thank you for your patience and, most of all, your continued support here and at the voting polls each week. I truly and deeply appreciate it. It really does mean a lot having you out there. And trust me, it’s better to be out there than in here with me…

— Ned

Your decomposing pumpkin could threaten mankind

This weekend, watch for falling pumpkins.

I left the house this morning and made an important realization: What I had assumed was a fleece-lined, bright orange sweatshirt laying crumpled on the front steps was actually NOT a garment at all.

It was our jack-o-lantern.

This realization was made while attempting to pick it up. Though my intention was to give my children a stern lecture on taking care of their clothing, I decided instead to scream uncontrollably after grabbing a handful of pumpkin mucus. Somehow, our pumpkin’s aging process had accelerated, causing it to collapse in on itself and sprout white fur — literally — overnight.

This isn’t an isolated incident. Anyone who hasn’t disposed of their jack-o-lantern by now has witnessed this process, which we can all agree defies the natural laws of physics. One morning, your pumpkin’s face is triangle-eyed and gap-toothed as normal. The next morning, it is Buddy Hackett. Continue reading Your decomposing pumpkin could threaten mankind

Another performance that took me 90 seconds or less

image Tomorrow night, I and the other six remaining nominees in the “Performance of the Year” competition at The Public Blogger will reveal the results of our Fourth Challenge: “Star Turn.” And although several of us are utilizing video, as far as I know there will be no red thongs involved. At least on my end. Or front. Or whatever.

This week’s challenge required us to incorporate four things into our creation:

1) Written words (350 max)

2) Our recorded voice (60 seconds max)

3) Images created/photographed by us

4) Presentation should reveal something about why we chose to pursue our art form.

Undoubtedly, many of are breathing a sigh of relief that my chosen art form isn’t nude self-portraits, even though it would ultimately still qualify as humor. Regardless, my presentation has been submitted and will be revealed in its entirety, along with the other six nominees’ work, tomorrow night at 7 p.m. when voting goes live for this round. The total time allowed for our presentations is 90 seconds or less, which coincidentally matches my own personal best time in… well, it doesn’t really matter. Continue reading Another performance that took me 90 seconds or less