Tag: satire

Learn to distill story ideas like a moonshiner

Moonshine books copy Ok, so let’s suppose you’ve read every weekly Nickel’s Worth On Writing I’ve posted here during the last two years. And let’s also suppose you aren’t my mother. That means you understand the importance of developing a voice, know the tools you need to establish that voice, are prepared to send your work to potential publishers, have established a writing routine and are now sitting at the keyboard ready to write!

YEAH!

…um, but about what?

As a writer, recognizing and developing story ideas is your bread and butter. Or biscuits and gravy, depending on your proximity to the Mason-Dixon line. The point is, whether you are a romance novelist, sci-fi short story writer or weekly columnist, generating ideas — and recognizing the difference between good ones and not-so-good ones (There are no bad ideas in my opinion, and I’ll explain that in a bit) — is the most important skill you must develop. Continue reading Learn to distill story ideas like a moonshiner

Just a random moment of parental pride

As my wife and I attended our youngest daughter’s final holiday choir concert as a middle schooler, we listened as three different soloists sang “Let It Go.”

Our daughter wasn’t one of them.

It was quite possibly our proudest moment as parents.

This is as close to "Frozen" as I like to get.
This is as close to “Frozen” as I like to get.

It’s official now: I have a poster and everything

image I stopped in at Fred Meyer and found these greeting me at each entrance. How do I know there is one in each lobby? Because after seeing one in the north side I ran as fast as I could casually strolled to the other entrance and pretended I needed a sanitary wipe for the basket I didn’t actually have.

Admittedly, it was pretty neat seeing the posters in place for Saturday’s book-signing fundraiser. Not to mention how clean my hands were after wiping them repeatedly while standing next to the poster waiting to be recognized — which didn’t take long.

“Hey, you’re that GUY!”
“Who, me? Well…”
“Yeah, I was your trash collector the morning after that big ice storm.”
“I’m not sure I remember…”
“You ran out in your underwear and slipped on the curb.”
“I don’t remember that”
“You landed headfirst in the recycle bin.”
“I think you have me confused with someone else.”
“Isn’t that you on the poster?”
“My hands are clean. I have to leave now.”

Can’t wait for Saturday…

Still looking for the perfect gift? This probably won’t help

image When it comes to buying a gift for that special someone this holiday season, nothing says I love you like pepper spray. At least, that’s according to the Bureau of Shopping Statistics, which says that personal protection devices are big sellers during the holiday season.

This fact is supported by ex-NRA spokesman Charleton Heston, who once said, and I quote: “Get your paws off me you dirty, stinking ape!”

What this means, of course, is that I’ve had too much coffee, and therefore should be the last person in possession of any type of weapon. It also means that the threat of apes uniting to take over the world using pepper spray is very real — which makes Christmas the perfect time to arm your loved ones with a personal protection device capable of stopping your average primate.

If there are any English students reading this, that last paragraph was called a “segue,” which is a tool that writers often use when they:

a) Lose their point
b) Lose their mind
c) Stay up late watching Planet of the Apes. Continue reading Still looking for the perfect gift? This probably won’t help

Biggest measure of success as a writer? When you can use it to help others

image Welcome to this week’s edition of Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, when I take the cumulative wisdom gained through 16 years as a columnist and, just like the unexpected arrival of a holiday fruitcake, share it with as many people as possible. Including by force if necessary.

It’s a writing feature the National Society of Fruitcake Lovers has called, “…writing tips that will stick in your teeth…”

And what Publishers’ Digest has heralded as, “…insights from a writer who has been endorsed by fruitcake lovers. We think that says it all…”

But enough accolades!

This week’s NWOW is going to be different than any I’ve done before. That’s because it’s stems from an idea I got from a reader named Sandy Wagoner. For those of you who remember my last big idea, the fact that this one came from someone else is already a step in the right direction. Continue reading Biggest measure of success as a writer? When you can use it to help others

… This Just In …

image

…TAT-tat-tat-TAT-TAT-tat-tat-TAT…

[Breaking News: from another strangely irrelevant moment in our newsroom…]

Each newsroom has a distinctive aroma. Ours is a combination of perspiration, diet soda and the occasional waft of cigarette smoke carried in by our editor after she returns from “following up on a lead.” That changed today, thanks to a package that arrived addressed to me. To be honest, ever since receiving dozens of unsolicited fruitcakes (the loaf) in the mail and through my car windows after writing about FDAD (Fruitcake Disposal Anxiety Disorder) a few years ago, I am suspicious of any package that arrives for me that doesn’t come from Amazon.com. Continue reading … This Just In …

Before you buy that Christmas gift, ask Mr. Knowitall

image [Note: If your name is Diana Dupree, do NOT read this!]

Since the introduction of Mr. Knowitall, who is our resident historian, economist, food critic, movie reviewer, foreign affairs consultant, science correspondent, consumer products expert and vending machine repairman (not necessarily in that order), many of you have written in seeking advice about holiday gift-giving.

Due to the enormous volume of email we received, they will be answered through a lottery-style process — which means that, until he wins the lottery, Mr. Knowitall will continue to answer your questions.

So let us begin. Continue reading Before you buy that Christmas gift, ask Mr. Knowitall

Because who doesn’t sleep better on a pillow of bacon?

image Being a journalist, I am often privy to world-shaking news of scientific or technological breakthroughs hours before members of the general public (who aren’t on Facebook).

The glow-in-the-dark toilet seat, shoes with their own umbrellas attached, eatable bread gloves… yeah, I heard it hear first.

However, this morning I received an email about a fusion of science and technology that could help millions of people rest a little easier each night; at least until they’re awakened by their own drool:

Bacon-scented pillowcases.

You read it right. Thanks to a couple of guys named Justin and Dave, we can now climb into bed and lay our heads upon a pillowy-soft pile of hickory-smoked bacon — except without all the grease stains. As they told me, “The future of sleep is here, and it smells like cured pork.” Continue reading Because who doesn’t sleep better on a pillow of bacon?

Forget about that image of Bruce Jenner and start writing

write write write copy Welcome to this week’s edition of Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, when I take the writing insights gained from 16 years as a columnist and, much like the first remnants of fruitcake to arrive this holiday season, offer slices to people despite their objections and threats of physical harm.

It’s a feature Writers Digest has called, “…Tips every writer should know if they want to be successful. But not necessarily as a writer…”

And what Oprah’s Book Club recently heralded as “…An important reminder as to why we have a book club…”

But enough accolades!

I’m going to open this week’s NWOW with a simple truth:

Step one to being a writer: Write!

That advice seems pretty straight forward. The kind of obvious straight forwardness that carries you with complete confidence toe-first into a brick. Like most advice we’re given, the wisdom behind it is simple; the problem comes in the execution. Continue reading Forget about that image of Bruce Jenner and start writing

Apparently, G.I. Joe is no match for Barbie’s mojo

Apparently, G.I. Joe and Steve Austin use their acute eyesight for more than just scoping out the bad guys.
The act of “playing” is a crucial part of how a child establishes self image and a basic understanding of the world. I know this because, as a progressive father of today, I have read extensively about this very topic — which is why I progressively freaked out when I found my son playing in the shower with a Barbie doll.

It wasn’t the fact that he was playing with a doll that bothered me, it was the fact that it was still completely intact — something I don’t expect from a child who routinely disassembles my office chair and a good portion of my desk in less than four minutes using nothing but a three-piece “Bob the Builder” tool kit.

I decided something needed to be done. It was time to enlist the help of an old friend; it was time for G.I. Joe to break Barbie’s mojo. Continue reading Apparently, G.I. Joe is no match for Barbie’s mojo