Month: October 2013

Now that I’ve tackled my freezer, I’m ready for Mt. Everest

image You may find it hard to believe, but I’ve come close to losing my life 23 times in avalanches. Each incident was absolutely terrifying. Each incident had me wondering if I’d be found in time.

And each incident occurred while standing in front of the refrigerator when the freezer door fell open.

The last time was less than a week ago, while I was looking for my water bottle. One minute, I was poised in the soft glow of the refrigerator light satisfying my thirst; the next minute I was buried beneath chicken drumsticks, hamburger patties, fruit-flavored Popsicles, and a frozen Tofurkey left over from our healthy food kick back in the late 1990s. Continue reading Now that I’ve tackled my freezer, I’m ready for Mt. Everest

Another random moment from “The Box” of unclaimed photos

The Box: home to old, unidentified photos that have remained unclaimed. Probably for good reason.
The Box, home to old, unidentified photos that have remained unclaimed. Probably for good reason.
Last week, we said goodbye to our weekly feature The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance) and introduced The Box: a collection of odd, unidentified photos which — just like many items in our break room refrigerator — have remained unclaimed for 10 years or more. Each week, I will utilize my journalistic training, combined with the full extent of our 1980s computer technology, to explain the circumstance surrounding a randomly chosen photo from The Box. This random selection process is achieved by me quietly dumping the photos onto the floor and then, just as quietly, releasing a wild, blindfolded squirrel into the newsroom. The photo nearest the first reporter to scream is the winner!

I have to say, the selection process went extremely well for this first edition of The Box.

(In an entirely unrelated matter, if anyone is interested we are seeking a new intern.)

Now, let’s get to this week’s photo… Continue reading Another random moment from “The Box” of unclaimed photos

Investigating the latest crisis: Flamin’ Hot Cheeto addiction

(It’s Sunday! That one day each week we allow ourselves a lazy start to the day by laying in bed a little longer! Sundays are also reserved for Flashbacks here at Ned’s Blog, which is my way of being lazy by running a post from the distant past. So in a way, we’re laying in bed together!

*awkward silence*

OK, well… I really need to go brush my teeth…)

I thought I was nearly undetectable in my “school teacher” disguise; obviously, I was wrong.
Being a journalist can be dangerous. Especially when it involves middle schoolers and their snack food. I knew this when I approached my editor, who can also be dangerous, particularly when her candy drawer is found empty, even though she keeps it locked with a key hidden in a folder labeled Extra Work for Reporters.

In spite of this danger, I asked if I could go undercover to investigate what Fox News reported as “a growing crisis in schools across the country — and we’re pretty sure that country is somewhere in the U.S.”

What I’m talking about, of course, is the growing crisis of “Flamin’ Hot Cheetos” addiction.

According to an article in the Chicago Tribune, a teacher in New Mexico wants to ban Flamin’ Hot Cheetos from school due to the snack’s complete lack of nutritional value and its addictive nature.

“But Twinkies are fine,” she added. Continue reading Investigating the latest crisis: Flamin’ Hot Cheeto addiction

Writers who don’t talk to themselves scare me

image Welcome to this week’s edition of Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, where some of today’s most prolific writers come to acquire the kind of wisdom Tom Clancy has called “…an example of complexity and insightfulness I generally delete from my first drafts.”

Or as Hunger Games author Suzanne Collins raved, “My measuring stick when it comes to font size.”

But enough accolades already!

Whether you’re a novelist, columnist, poet or Subway sandwich artist, talking to yourself during the creative process is important. Admittedly, I can only speak with some authority on the first three; that last example is mostly an observation based on the two Subways in our area. Regardless, at the risk of sounding politically incorrect, I think every good writer needs a certain level of multiple personality disorder with a dash of schizophrenia. That’s because, as a writer, you need to have the ability to do more than simply observe and notate things about people and situations; you have to be able to inhabit them in the same way that, say… Justin Beiber inhabits his role as a skinny caucasian gangster.

Except unlike Justin Beiber, you must be believable. Continue reading Writers who don’t talk to themselves scare me

Invisible Man denies being no-show on Capitol Hill

Image courtesy of my friends at The Grimm Report
Image courtesy of my friends at The Grimm Report

(A special report as Chief Political Correspondent for my friends at The Grimm Report )

In a surprise move earlier this week, President Obama appointed Dr. Jack Griffin, better known as “The Invisible Man,” to be a special mediator to hasten talks between democrats and republicans on Capitol Hill. The appointment was called the “ultimate move in transparency” by Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid. That sentiment was not shared by Republican Senate Leader Mitch McConnell, who called the move “Hollow.”

Monday, things got off to a rocky start when Griffin, arriving in a three-piece suit and his customary head-bandage wrap, was detained and strip-searched by security until a full background check could be completed.

“It was not racial profiling,” insisted Capitol Building security director Bill Schlepindorf. “We just thought he was lost.”

Read more at The Grimm Report

It’s time to close… The Door. So let’s open… The Box!

The Door, a sentinel of journalistic milestones and witness to the occasional kidney stone, is closed pending any new developments, i.e. screw-ups..
The Door, a sentinel of journalistic milestones and witness to the occasional kidney stone, is closed pending any new developments, i.e. screw-ups..
It’s been almost a year since I opened The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance) in our newsroom to readers, and together we have shared 38 pieces of newspaper faux pas that Siuslaw News reporters have pasted, taped and otherwise adhered to The Door by any means possible since the 1970s. In that time, we have witnessed inventive photo cutlines such as “Shoppers shopping at shops” and entirely too many references to “probes and probing.” We’ve been informed of the obvious, such as how “wearing more clothing can help keep you warmer,” and how easily one wrong letter can lead to senior citizens “crapping themselves in a blanket.”

It’s no wonder The Door has become a journalistic Mecca, capturing the attention of well-known reporters like Barbara Walters (“The Door offers a pureness to journalism I haven’t seen since Anderson Cooper’s booty”), Morley Safer (“Do people still use ditto machines?”), Keith Morrison (“No one knows what seeeeecrets hide behind The Dooooor, especially if someone has flushhhhed”), Geraldo Rivera (“My sources have confirmed Al Capone once used The Door.”), and Anderson Cooper (“Unless it’s a closet door, I’m not interested — and can someone please tell Barbara Walters to stop looking at my butt?”) Continue reading It’s time to close… The Door. So let’s open… The Box!

Consumer warning: Beware of dangerous superheated pickles

image (It’s Flashback Sunday — but DON’T PANIC! Just because this post isn’t even remotely familiar is no indication you are experiencing the beginning signs of dementia! Actually, the fact that you read this blog at all is probably the best indication. Regardless, posts for Flashback Sunday are chosen because they 1) Have appeared as a newspaper column but not on my blog, or 2) were posted here long ago, back when all of my followers could fit into a two-door Mini Cooper — and did, often for no apparent reason…)

It wasn’t long ago that I found myself driving down the road with an 800-degree onion ring searing my flesh. I had just left a Burger King drive-through and, after exchanging pleasantries at the window and maintaining my composure long enough to exit the parking lot, pounced on my combo meal sack like a hyena at a gazelle feed — laughing and eating, laughing and eating. Continue reading Consumer warning: Beware of dangerous superheated pickles

As an author, you can’t be everything to everyone — unless you have a fog machine

image Regular readers of this blog know my weekly Nickel’s Worth on Writing is when I utilize my 15 years as a columnist to offer writing insights that famed author John Grisham recently heralded as “…where I found inspiration for many of my most memorable characters, particularly those who die in the first chapter.”

Or as Fifty Shades author E.L. James called it, “Writing advice that exemplifies the reason some authors need a good spanking.” Continue reading As an author, you can’t be everything to everyone — unless you have a fog machine

… This Just In …

image

…TAT-tat-tat-TAT-TAT-tat-tat-TAT…

[Breaking News: from another strangely irrelevant moment in our newsroom…]

Coming back from lunch, I walked into the newsroom to find a fellow journalist and three individuals in mid-interview. As I took my seat across the room, I felt my blood run cold as I overheard their accusations about the nightmare scenario our government shutdown is leading to.

“Dear GOD!” I said, sending my chair against the wall as I stood. “How can this happen here?! In AMERICA?!? Men being sterilized in processing plants! We have to tell people!”

After an awkward silence, one of the individuals exchanged glances with the rest of the group. “Um, we’re talking about MAIL sterilizing and processing plants, not male sterilizing plants.”

Sometimes, there’s no graceful way to exit a room…

What says ‘thirsty’ better than a sweaty humor columnist?

image As I’m sure you can imagine, being a humor columnist, I am constantly working up a sweat. In fact, I can already feel perspiration forming. By the end of this paragraph, I will be a drippy, sweat-stained mess. Most people don’t know it can take hours to finish a column. The reason has nothing to do with procrastination, writer’s block or even the ability to Google history of Star Wars universe; many of us humor columnists simply become too sweaty to operate our keyboards without sliding off and potentially endangering ourselves and others. Newsrooms everywhere understand this, which is why we are often placed in special cubicles that are refrigerated.

Or at the very least equipped with a drain pan.

Yet somehow, beverage companies continue to overlook us as potential thirst-quenching icons when developing trendy ad campaigns. Chances are, you’ll never see a commercial featuring a humor columnist at a keyboard with green Gatorade streaming out of every pore in his body. Or witness a humor columnist emerge from a droplet of Propel fitness water and do a back flip out of an office chair (which we often do, by the way, sometimes for no reason at all.) That’s because our segment of the beverage-buying market is considered too small to worry about, even though, as analysts have shown, it is a powerful one, at least in terms of odor. Continue reading What says ‘thirsty’ better than a sweaty humor columnist?