Month: December 2013

Join me for a blog hop and watch me pull a muscle

image As some of you know, in addition to this blog, I’m also a contributor at a literary website called Gliterary Girl. It’s an excellent website focusing primarily on women authors, book reviews and the publishing industry. Let’s be honest: I’m not a woman — and I’m pretty sure they know this. Assuming, of course, they are aware I am posting on their website. If not, they’ll find out soon because, in addition to being the only male contributor, I am also participating in Gliterary Girl’s Holiday Blog Hop.

As 50 Shades character Anastasia Steele, would say: “I’ve never done this before, so I should probably stretch first.”

In my case, however, the only stretching required will be revealing my personal holiday wish list. This is technically a stretch for me because I haven’t made a Christmas wish list since I was 9, when I asked for a fully posable Six Million Dollar Man action figure and received, instead, a more financially prudent and fully bendable six dollar art mannequin. Continue reading Join me for a blog hop and watch me pull a muscle

Men are from NAPA, women are from Macy’s

(Around here, Sundays are reserved for sleeping in and breakfast cooked by our private chef. At least until the kids bang on the door at 7 a.m., waking me from this dream and demanding pancakes. It’s also a day reserved for Flashbacks, when I, figuratively speaking, serve up something from the distant past, much like a late Sunday night at Denny’s, except without the risk of food poisoning…)

Men don't like shopping If you want to observe the difference between men and women at its purest form, study their shopping habits. With the holiday buying season now officially under way, there’s no better time to witness this phenomenon for yourself.

Here’s a brief study guide to get you started.
Women:
a) Define an outfit as something comprised of at least three pieces of clothing, all of which are interchangeable and flattering.
b) Have researched the best buys and know where there’s a sale today.
c) Are undecided about whether or not a drop-waist makes them look fat.
d) Will try on all clothes within arm’s reach of the fitting room.

Men:
a) Define an outfit as something comprised of jeans. And maybe a fishing lure.
b) Have researched today’s game schedule on ESPN and know they can get to the store and back during halftime.
c) Are undecided about how to answer when their wives ask if a drop-waist makes them look fat.
d) Won’t get within arm’s reach of the fitting room. Continue reading Men are from NAPA, women are from Macy’s

If you can’t find time to write, then MAKE time — or I swear I’ll send you a fruitcake!

image Because this week’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing happens to fall on Friday the 13th, and because undisputed Master of Horror STEPHEN KING was kind enough to send in a special accolade, we’re totally skipping my normal introduction about offering writing tips based on my 15 years as a columnist (stop yawning) so we can get right to Mr. King’s unsolicited accolade regarding the value of my weekly NWOW and how a run-on sentence can get people to read an entire opening paragraph before they even know it!

Comment from THE Stephen King:

“Ned, I visit your Nickel’s Worth quiet often. And so does my LAWYER. We’ll be in touch.”

— Sincerely, Stephen King (Undisputed Master of Horror)

Wow!

With that kind of affirmation, I could end this post right there — and my lawyer agrees I probably should. But my weekly NWOW isn’t about me; it isn’t about flaunting the adoration I receive from literary giants; and it isn’t about receiving accolades. It’s about… uh…

Oh Yeah! Writing tips! Which brings us to this week’s topic:

Find Make time to write — or I swear I’ll send you a fruitcake! Continue reading If you can’t find time to write, then MAKE time — or I swear I’ll send you a fruitcake!

Okay, so maybe fruitcake doesn’t threaten humanity… but it’s still fruitcake

image Journalism can be a dangerous profession, even for those of us who never actually leave our desk unless a “situation” develops, such as the sudden and unprovoked arrival of free donuts. On several occasions, I have found myself in harm’s way as a dozen employees stampeded into the break room (which, according to the Fire Marshal, has a “maximum occupancy level of two, as long as no one is using the commode.”) It is at those times, while being crushed between fellow employees grappling for the last maple bar, that I am reminded of just how dangerous my job can be.

But it doesn’t end there.

No.

Not for those of us with the courage to SPEAK OUT against what is wrong with the world. Or, in my case, what is wrong with fruitcake.

As you may remember (and judging by the number of fruitcakes that have been appearing on my desk, at my home or through the window of my car, many of you do), it was last year around this time that I drew the wrath of fruitcake lovers everywhere after suggesting that untold numbers of people (source: Fox News) suffer from Fruitcake Disposal Anxiety Disorder. Continue reading Okay, so maybe fruitcake doesn’t threaten humanity… but it’s still fruitcake

… This Just In …

image

…TAT-tat-tat-TAT-TAT-tat-tat-TAT…

[Breaking News: from another strangely irrelevant moment in our newsroom…]

There’s a reason the term “deadline” starts with “dead,” and not something like “fun,” “happy” or “coke.” Deadline days are stressful. Which is why some conversations with my editor end up like this… Continue reading … This Just In …

Sorry I’m running late, but I have a burning excuse (no, it’s not that kind of burning)

"Are you on your way to a fire or something?!" YES, actually...
“Are you on your way to a fire or something?!” Well — YES, actually…!
Normally, this space would be reserved for The Box. Then again, I don’t normally get tapped out for a fire first thing in the morning; usually those calls come in the middle of the night when I have to pee, forcing me to hold my full bladder while spraying 125 lbs. of water pressure through a nozzle. And although I don’t have an excuse from my mother, I do have this video captured by our station captain who, although out with a knee injury, hobbled to the scene from his house down the street.

That, my friends, is dedication. And a lot of Demerol. He’s the one doing the narration while talking to a bystander. I love the pride in his voice. Or, perhaps once again, that’s the Demerol talking… Continue reading Sorry I’m running late, but I have a burning excuse (no, it’s not that kind of burning)

… This Just In …

image

…TAT-tat-tat-TAT-TAT-tat-tat-TAT…

[Breaking News: from another strangely irrelevant moment in our newsroom…]

Because we here at Siuslaw News understand the importance and value of investing in journalism’s future, we feel the need — no, the obligation — to invest in that future by vigorously supporting free labor from high school interns. We like to think of it as a crash course that puts students on the road to a career in journalism. But after this morning, I think “collision course” is a better way to put it… Continue reading … This Just In …

Share in something viral without the need for antibiotics!

imageThe kindness of fellow bloggers never ceases to amaze me, especially when it comes to anything viral. In this case, I’m talking about something I got from Tom Nardone, who, in addition to being a hilarious and insightful writer, is a giving person. In fact, he gave me this highly infectious book promo video. Being a decent person, he called me all the way from South Carolina to let me know the infection is spreading. After finding this out, and because I’m not sure if this will be covered under America’s new health care, I felt an obligation to let all of you know.

That said, you can have yourself checked out by clicking here.

For those wanting to receive immediate treatment, you can purchase Humor at the Speed of Life here, without a prescription, and get things cleared up by Christmas…

The people have spoken! The world is full of fruitcakes

(You made it! Welcome to Flashback Sunday! It’s that special day when we break the space-time continuum together, with the understanding, of course, that we’ll fix it again once we’re done. As long as we’re careful and put everything back like we found it, then — just like these early posts — no one will even notice…)

The world of fruitcake lovers is a dangerous one for those without a spare.
The world of fruitcake lovers is a dangerous one for those without a spare.
Every once in a while a column strikes a nerve with readers. These readers then write me to express their displeasure; they are angry, hurt, offended, or breaking in new stationery. Whatever the reason, I appreciate this feedback regardless of the fact that, in many cases, the column they’re talking about wasn’t mine. So you can imagine my shock at getting unhappy letters from people who (a) read my column and (b) actually like fruitcake.

The letters came in response to the column I wrote about Fruitcake Disposal Anxiety Disorder, which was named in a New York Post special investigation as “The fastest-growing mental disorder in the entire world.”

“And we’re pretty sure about that,” the report concluded. “If not, then it’s right up there with ‘Fear of Clowns’ or something.” Continue reading The people have spoken! The world is full of fruitcakes

Reasons why I’m horrible at promoting my book

image Welcome to this week’s edition of Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, when I draw upon my 15 years as a columnist to offer pearls of wisdom which, much like pearls from an actual oyster, started off as a small irritation before natural mucus secretions created something rare and highly coveted. But don’t just take my word for it! Many of today’s most prolific authors have referred to my weekly NWOW as:

“Something … actual”
“Highly … written,” and
“A rare … secretion.”

Awww shucks! Enough with the accolades!

This week’s NWOW is going to be a bit of a departure because, as you can see, the shameless self promotion of my book has begun and, to be quite honest, I am discovering I have a natural God-given gift for discouraging people from buying it.

Maybe I’m too honest.

Maybe I’m not polished enough at schmoozing.

Maybe I have a subconscious desire to leap naked into a pool of lukewarm Carmel Nog coffee.

(Yes, I realize that has nothing to do with promoting my book, but I think it clearly illustrates just how truly BAD I am at this.) Continue reading Reasons why I’m horrible at promoting my book