Category: Recently probed (and potentially sore) subjects

Ned’s most recent columns… Yep, that about sums it up.

Good news travels fast! Until it reaches my blog, apparently

image It’s been more than five hours since the little graphic to the left appeared on my Facebook page after the final votes and judges’ scores were tabbula tabulei added up for this week’s round of Performance of the Year competition at The Public Blogger.

Why the delay?

I’d like to say it was because, after several margaritas and a donkey  ride (at least I think it was a donkey) in Tijuana, Mexico,  (at least I think it was a Tijuana) in celebration, I passed out in wheel barrow and was being carried back through customs when I was detained for slurring and yelling “Mi esssss Numero UNO, senior Policia!” over an over until I lost my enchiladas on the shoes of a border patrol agent.

I’d like to say that, but the reason for the delay is much less colorful and, admittedly, a lot less forgivable:

I got sidetracked with work on an early deadline after posting the results on my *sigh* Facebook page.

I’m aware that many of you don’t follow Facebook, which is all the more reason I should have made sure to post this hours ago, when Michelle Terry at Lipstick and Laundry commented: “Was that YOU I saw in Mexico?” Continue reading Good news travels fast! Until it reaches my blog, apparently

Where I sit in the current standings… or something like that

image With less than two hours remaining before voting closes in the third round of the Performance of the Year competition at The Public Blogger, I thought I’d share an update on where I am in the rankings — and thank you for keeping me in the top three against some stiff competition. I suppose it’s too late to add a stanza to my poem that reads:

Judges are wonderful,
judges carry our hopes,
if they score me well,
I promise to loosen their ropes.

The judges’ scoring, which accounts for 30% of our total score, hasn’t been included yet. That means, depending on how they score my poem (and judging by their initial scoring, it won’t be much), I could drop me a little further depending on how many more votes roll in before the 10 a.m. deadline.

Either way, I still feel fairly confident I’ll make it through this round somewhere IN THE TOP 7! I say that with ALL-CAPS and an EXCLAMATION point to sound CONFIDENT! Even though, as I write this, I am in a fetal position under my desk…

Just kidding! Ha!Ha! It’s really more like a cannon ball position because my desk is really small. Continue reading Where I sit in the current standings… or something like that

Roses are red, violets are blue… I’m ready to vote. How about you?

image For those of you following my pursuit of Performance of the Year, voting for round three has opened! This week, each of us has been asked to submit something out of our genre and comfort zone. I chose poetry, which is well beyond my comfort zone and borders on The Twilight Zone. Especially since I was not allowed to use any humor in writing an introstpective piece called “At The River’s Edge.”

My goal was to create something visual, relatable and rhythmic that was perfectly measured — 5-word stanzas, 5 stanzas, all adding up to an equal number (including the title and byline) which is 100. I also wanted it to be a journey, to a place and back again, finishing where it started but with a new perspective — like T.S. Elliot’s famous quote about exploring, and returning the beginning only to rediscover it.

The result of my poetic endeavor, as well as the other seven talented nominees’submmissions, are on this week’s episode of “A Star Is Born.” Last week, in addition to having the honor of becoming a finalist in this talented group of artists, I also remained in the No. 1 spot for the second straight week. Thank You ALL so much for that. This week, in addition to public voting, the competition will also include three judges whose decision also weighs in on who stays and who goes — so your votes are especially important now.

You can cast your vote between now and 10 a.m. tomorrow morning (Oct. 26). Final results — and the next nominee to be eliminated — will be revealed at noon.

Below you’ll find the link for voting. It will take you to my Facebook page first. Please “Like” the FB link (accounts for 25% of our score) and then follow it to The Public Blogger to vote (70% of our score). As I mentioned last week, even if you don’t vote for me, please DO vote. It’s a terrific group of folks who have become my friends.

And they’ll still be my friends even if I get voted out. Assuming they’ll answer my calls.

Again, my sincere and appreciative THANK YOU to all of you for helping get this far.

Now please… Vote HERE (Look for this image on my FB page)

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Tonight I’m attempting poetry for your vote; please be gentle

image For tonight’s third round of Performance of the Year competition at The Public Blogger, each of us remaining eight nominees has been asked to submit a piece in a genre outside of our comfort zone; but something we’d like to become better at. As I learned while wearing a red thong, me doing anything in a genre involving being nearly naked simply makes everyone ELSE uncomfortable. So artisticly expressive nude selfies were definitely out.

At a young age, I was inspired by the amazing imagery of T.S. Elliot. For this reason, I chose poetry. I wasn’t allowed to include humor in it, which meant I had to dig deeply. My first few attempts weren’t that great.

For examle:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Poetry is hard
See what I mean?

At any rate, I submitted my five-stanza poetry piece called “At The River’s Edge” and it will premier tonight at 7 p.m., along with the other talented nominees’ new works in areas outside of their normal genre of creativity. There will be sculpture, videos, music, paintings and song lyrics.

Incidentally, no one chose “humor writing,” by the way.

Just saying… *cough cough* Continue reading Tonight I’m attempting poetry for your vote; please be gentle

Because unlike my sockpuppets, blogging friendships are anything but “imaginary”

image It started with an instant message from a blogger friend about another blogger who is trying to escape an abusive relationship. Her options? Stay where she is in the eye of the hurricane or take to the streets in hopes of finding somewhere to weather the storm.

Fortunately for this young woman, one of her friends is Not a PunkRocker. And by that I don’t mean all her other friends are punkrockers and she’s lucky that one of them isn’t. Because we all know too many punkrockers spoil the broth. Or how many punkrockers it takes to screw in a lightbulb.

Or whatever.

What I DO know is that Jeanette at Not a Punkrocker… well, she rocks. She took it upon herself to not only spread the word about her friend’s need for help, she also opened up about her own experience as a victim— and how the constant mental and physical manipulation slowly destroys you from the inside out. Often to the point that seeing a way out is next to impossible because the light needed to see your way has been extinguished. Continue reading Because unlike my sockpuppets, blogging friendships are anything but “imaginary”

Life can change in a heartbeat, or none at all

imageA few months ago, I went from wearing nothing but red thong while climbing around the sand dunes, to being a first responder at a multi-car accident with a car fire — all in a span of about 15 minutes. It’s a long story that, if you aren’t squeamish (and by that, I mean about the image of me in a red thong), you can read it here. Long story short, the experience was a reminder of how unpredictable life can be, and how, in an instant, circumstances can change from ridiculous to surreal. And I’m not just talking about being at a Justin Bieber concert. After five years as a volunteer firefighter, I’ve had plenty of tapouts change family dinners to warmed-up leftovers, or the first long kiss of a romantic evening into a goodbye hug and a porch light waiting for me when I get home. They are reminders that life isn’t really day-by-day as much as we’d like to think — but is truly lived minute-by-minute.

On the morning of Sept. 18, I was reminded once again how quickly life can change. And how, in the span of a few minutes, it can hang in the balance somewhere betwen clocking back in or permanently checking out. Continue reading Life can change in a heartbeat, or none at all

Every politician wishes they had this kind of support. And probably Dolly Parton, too.

imageThe final results for round two of voting are in for “Performance of the Year” at The Public Blogger. We aren’t told anything until the announcement shows up on each of our Facebook pages. Usually within 10 minutes after the close of voting. I was at work, drinking coffee at my desk when this showed up on my screen. Unfortunately, I was also using my coffee to wash down a rather large piece of apple fritter when it appeared.

I won’t get into the details, but take my word when I say it IS physically possible for a fritter to move through your entire nasal passage in less than seven seconds.

It’s also why I’ll be asking, “Is it just me or does everything smell like apples?” for a few days.

Once again, I am incredibly humbled and appreciative of all your support in helping me stay at the top for a second week. As most of you know, I don’t normally do awards, and I’m not really interested in competing with anyone other than myself.

And yes, armwrestling gets a little tricky. Continue reading Every politician wishes they had this kind of support. And probably Dolly Parton, too.

Hurry! Vote before Donald Trump finds out!

Don't let my offer of a grilled sirloin influence your vote at all...
Don’t let my offer of a grilled sirloin influence your vote at all…

The second round of voting for Performance of the Year has begun! You may be assuming this has something to do with my accomplishments in the bedroom…

Ok, fine. No one did.

Certainly not my wife.

Regardless, I’m joined by nine other nominees, ranging from poets to Christian hip-hop artists, who are up for the Performance of the Year award at The Public Blogger. Think of it as “The Oscars” meets “American Idol.” Except without all that confetti to clean up afterward.

Last week, in addition to having the honor of becoming a finalist in this talented group of artists, I also emerged in the No. 1 spot after the first round of public voting.

Rest assured an investigation has been launched.

The last time I was No. 1 at anything was when I finished first in the firefighter endurance competition. And by that I mean the first one to leave the event.

This week’s challenge was to submit a post on the theme of “Togetherness,” with each nominee’s submission presented tonight for public vote at The Public Blogger. You can cast your vote between 7 p.m. tonight and 10 a.m. tomorrow morning (Oct.19). Final results — and the next nominee to be eliminated — will be revealed at noon. (Please remember that I am an ugly crier.)

Below you’ll find the link for voting. It will take you to my Facebook page first. Please “Like” the FB link (accounts for 25% of our score) and then follow it to The Public Blogger to vote (70% of our score). As I mentioned last week, even if you don’t vote for me, please DO vote. It’s a terrific group of folks who have become my friends.

But if for some reason all the voting buttons become disabled except for mine, I’m sure they’d want you to vote for me…

Again, my sincere and appreciative THANK YOU to all of you for helping get this far.

Now please… Vote HERE (Look for this image on my FB page)

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I’ll shake hands or kiss something for your vote; or kiss hands and shake something

image Tonight is the second round of elimination for the Performance of the Year award at The Public Blogger, where I’m among 10 nominees remaining after last week’s public vote. Thanks to all of your incredible support at the polls, fueld by word of my terminal health situation which thankfully turned out to be just undigested Trix cereal in my stool, your voting put me at No. 1 heading into this second week of competition — So THANK YOU!

(And General Mills, my lawyer will be in touch about the mental anguish caused by your cereal.)

Anyway, tonight at 7 p.m., the competition will continue with the second round of voting. Below, I have included a list of my fellow nominees — artists, poets, singer/songwriters, photographers and a humorist *wink* — along with samples of their art and links to their work. I have done this so that you to will have an opportunity to experience the nine other talented nominees in order to:

1) Form an unbiased decision for yourselves
2) Go to the polls tonight with confidence
3) Vote for me because of that terrifying health scare Continue reading I’ll shake hands or kiss something for your vote; or kiss hands and shake something

Nose whistling is the heart and soul of any great relationship

image It’s one of life’s little mysteries, the fact that I can fall asleep in front of the television during a documentary chronicling man’s loudest explosions, yet be kept awake by the sound of my own nose whistling. In my defense, this was a new phenomenon, and something that, under any other circumstances, would have been amusing. However, at 1:30 in the morning, having your nose emit a solid C-major every time you exhale is just plain annoying.

What made matters worse was that I wasn’t alone in my musical endeavors. My wife was also blowing her horn — I’m guessing in E-flat — which, between the two of us, sounded like a pair of jug blowers trying to tune up for the spring dance. Instinctively, I grabbed the earplugs from the nightstand and inserted them. As I quickly discovered, this is a little like covering your ears so you can’t hear yourself sing. I then contemplated the idea of inserting the plugs directly into my nostrils, but decided against it for two reasons.

First, I would be forced to breath through my mouth, which would lead to snoring and bruised ribs.

Secondly, should my mouth somehow fall shut during the night, the resulting pressure would create a pair of high-velocity projectiles ricocheting through our bedroom without warning — the mere thought of which would keep me awake. Continue reading Nose whistling is the heart and soul of any great relationship