Ned’s most recent columns… Yep, that about sums it up.
As you might expect, being a writer is a life of excitement. How much excitement? Not to brag, but I think this seven-second video will give you some indication of the kind of pandemonium that breaks out when I arrive for a book signing. This was the scene yesterday as I entered Cottage Grove, Ore.
Indeed, this is when you know you have finally arrived as a writer.
Who cares if no one else knows? I mean besides the crickets and the guy I asked for directions…
Ask just about any man, and he’ll tell you this past week has been a tough one thanks to the triple-threat of Valentine’s Day, the release of 50 Shades of Grey AND (What’s my safe word!) confirmation of Magic Mike XXL — which I assume means the other 29 sequels to Magic Mike must’ve gone straight to DVD?
Whatever the case, producers say Magic Mike’s plan for a major release everywhere in July is firm, and any talk of an earlier release would be premature — and only through a soft opening.
My point is, all this talk has many men a bit shellshocked from trying to measure up to the unrealistic standards set by Christian Grey and Magic Mike. Especially while trying to compete with the experience of IMAX 3D and THX Surround Sound. Sadly, this has prompted some men to try duplicating the movie experience by using a Mr. Microphone and providing their lovers with a magnifying glass. Continue reading When it comes to 50 Shades of Magic Mike, let me be the voice of reason
Don’t bother giving your coffee an extra stir, or rubbing your eyes in disbelief, because you read it right! This week’s retrospective of The Door is offering THREE … Three…three (that’s an echo) examples of journalistic Shame, Blame and Brilliance!
For those of you knocking on The Door for the first time…
Go Away!
Haha! Just kidding! The more the merrier! In fact, “the more the merrier” is what the fire marshal has deemed to be the maximum occupancy level in our newsroom, depending on whether anyone in the group has eaten lunch at the Enfermo Taco.
Before we begin, as always, we must join hands and repeat the following mantra in a slow, monotoned voice similar to any character played by Kristen Stewart:
The Door serves as a beacon, drawing us into the jagged rocks of journalism.
OK, come with me now as we go back in time through The Door, where journalists here at Siuslaw News have been taping and gluing their favorite newspaper faux pas since the 1970s. Continue reading Three more examples of why our newsroom has a Door
As you might expect, since writing about Japan’s new line of wines made specifically for cats a couple of weeks ago, I have received dozens of emails from unhappy readers denouncing what they believe is blatant discrimination against members of the canine population. All of them feel wine for cats is a really bad idea that will only increase the air of superiority cats already have. Coincidentally, most of these emails arrived through my “Fetch” account.
Here are just a few examples:
If I hear Mittens talk about the ‘rich bouquet’ of her stupid wine one more time, I’m leaving something with rich bouquet in her cat dish.”
— Buford
My sense of smell is 100 times greater than my owner’s. She doesn’t have to smell Mr. Whiskers’ horrible wine breath. Well, I DO! Then she gets MAD when I barf on the carpet.” — Fifi
Cats are dumb.” — Butch
They say for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, meaning that for every cat sipping a glass of wine there is a dog lapping up a special libation. And not just from the toilet. As it turns out, dogs have had Bowser Beer available to them since 2012, long before “Mr. Frisky” ever thought of getting stemware, comparing tannins or going out and spraying the town. In the same way cat wine is made specifically for a cat’s discriminating taste, the makers of Bowser Beer have created a flavor profile that compliments a dog’s natural pallet — meaning the only thing that isn’t in the brew is an actual shipping pallet. Continue reading Cats may have their own wine but Bowser can crack open a brewsky
I know this is a little after the fact, but given that Valentine’s Day fell on a Saturday this year, I’m guessing that a lot of men are just beginning to realize they’re in serious trouble after coming home last night with nothing but a six-pac and an NBA game schedule. If you are one of these men, then there’s a good chance you are getting into Valentines’ Day mode right…
about…
NOW.
(Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for any injuries, heart ailments or claims of memory loss occurring as a result of this information.)
Do not panic! As men, we will stick together and, through the power of the Internet, call upon the romantic wisdom of men from throughout the world and, hopefully, come up with at least ONE good idea. Continue reading Men: If you forgot Valentine’s Day it’s not too late if you know a good plumber
Admittedly, stopping in for some Cinnabon Delights at a Taco Bell on Valentine’s Day doesn’t sound particularly romantic. One might even see it as a precurser to the end of a relationship. But when I am with my wife, a romantic moment can happen anytime, anywhere.
Love has a way of doing that. Even in a random handful of hot sauce packets…
For regular readers of this blog, I know what you’re thinking:
“I’ve seen pictures of Ned before, and I remember him being… older. And slightly more Caucasian.”
That’s because it’s a photo of Alan W. King, whose work as a journalist and blogger is best described as continued excellence. I’ve been a follower of his for a while, so when he began an interview series last year called “Writers and Their Process,” I was thrilled when he asked me to be a part of it.
Okay, fine — I screamed like a 13-year-old girl who finds herself on an elevator with [please insert latest teen girl heart throb here.]
All kidding aside, it was a real honor to be a part of this series last February, which delves into the thought process of each writer and offers insights into how they approach their craft. In my case, he even got me to divulge my full name; that’s how good he is. Here’s a snippet, along with a link to the rest of the post, as well as links to his interviews with friend and world’s funniest bellman (it’s a highly competitive niche) Robert Hookey (aka The Hook) and the thoughtful and funny Zoe Valentine (aka Zoe Says).
Oh, and did I mention he recently updated the post with photos of me I thought (or hoped) had been destroyed? Continue reading Thanks to Alan King, this week’s Nickel’s Worth is on me… literally
By now we’ve all heard about the new Japanese wine for felines. If you haven’t, it could explain why your cat has started using your favorite shoes as a litter box. Not to point fingers, but I did write about this a few weeks ago, so you only have yourself to blame. Or at least, that’s probably what you cat would tell you.
Regardless, since then I have receieved dozens of emails about what some see as discrimination against canines for not providing them with their own special libation. As it turns out, they have. And as you might expect, I’d be the one to hear about it — which is why it will be the topic of this Monday’s upcoming post:
Cats May Have Their Own Wine, But Bowser Can Crack Open a Brewsky
As with every Friday, here is an audio preview of this Moday’s post. (Warning: For those of you with cats, I’d advise against letting them hear this)… Continue reading And speaking of beer for dogs…
(Here is this week’s installment in a special month-long restrospect on The Door in our newsroom, continuing each Wednesday through February. Possibly longer if someone brings donuts…)
I told her I was a big fan and extremely flattered but, “No.”
To which she replied, “DWOP DEAD!” and hung up.
So what is The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance) exactly? Quite literally, it is a living, breathing piece of journalistic history assembled over 40 years by reporters here at Siuslaw News. That said, it’s no mere coincidence that the other side of The Door leads to the commode, where those same reporters have been depositing a different kind of history — and where, in a fitting twist, nothing living can breathe.
Today, we have a new first on The Door: a two-part clipping, meaning that whoever put this piece together has earned the coveted “Twin Globes of Shame” award, which is named in part because of its rare “two-shames-in-one” distinction, and partly because the trophy once belonged to a failed cosmetic surgeon. Continue reading Even Barbara Walters wants to be shown ‘The Door’ in our newsroom
(As I mentioned Friday, I’m a guest at The Sisterwives today, where I’ve been asked to provide a man’s perspective on Valentine’s Day because — not to brag — but I’ve been called “a master of romance.” Or so I’ve been told while standing in front of my mirror…)
Since the dawn of time, man has feared Valentine’s Day. I’m a journalist, so you can trust my facts on this. And because I’m a man, you can also trust me when I tell you our fear isn’t because we don’t want to express feelings of love and romance; it’s because we are afraid of looking stupid while doing so.
This fear has been documented as far back as prehistoric times, in a pair of cave drawings paleontologists say depicts a caveman named “Glork” trying to court a cavewoman.
Image one: To demonstrate his masculinity and win a cavewoman’s affections, Glork fights a saber-toothed lion
Image two: Glork is eaten
Millions of years later, though the risk of being eaten by a large predator is relatively low (not counting cougar attacks), men still fear that their attempt to express love could lead to a fate worse than death: Embarrassment. (continue reading at Sisterwives!)
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