It’s also because of him that I understand and appreciate the difference between the three.
What follows is something I wrote a couple of years ago for the now defunct blog “Black Box Warnings.” Given that the 20th anniversary of my father’s death falls on Father’s Day this year, I felt the need to share it again — for him as much as for myself… Continue reading Don’t do as I drink (and other lessons my father unintentionally taught me)
After that, the only thing I’ll care about is remembering to blink from time to time so my eye balls don’t dry out.
I suppose I can always moisten them with my drool.
It’s been a tough week here and I’m not shamed to admit I’ve had my butt handed to me. Actually, not really “handed to me” as much as thrown at me like a game of Olympic competition dodgeball. Some of you may remember I was the only kid required to wear a helmet when playing dodgeball in middle school. Continue reading I’ve been busy having my butt kicked this week
Sunday morning I will awaken to sizzle of bacon and eggs, the aroma of freshly brewed coffee and the shuffle of approaching feet as I lay in bed quietly thinking to myself: My God, my wife is leaving me.
Then I’ll remember: Wait — It’s Father’s Day! It’s a day when we fathers are revered for our wisdom, patience and, in a few rare instances, our neckwear. For one whole day I’ll be the perfect father since my wife will be handling everything for me. She does this to help me relax and enjoy my special day. The problem is, it’s hard to relax when, by handling everything herself, my wife makes it clear I could be replaced by a dishwasher and a few extra power cords. Continue reading Want to be a better father? Get a bigger grill
I’ve been talking about publishing my second book, “Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing: Pearls of writing wisdom from 16 shucking years as a columnist” since September. So guess what? That’s right!
It’s still not done.
However, please accept this week’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing as my doctor’s note. The truth is, I’ve been side-tracked by a lot of life-changing events the last few months, including moving into a new home, the latest season of The Bachelorette and the discovery of DubSmash. I’ve also been spending time visiting an old friend — a murder mystery I wrote 15 years ago.
They say for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Following that train of thought, the flip side of humor is drama. In this case, I’ve been delving into the flip side of my weekly humor column to work on “No Safe Harbor,” which has been collecting dust and patiently waiting for its final revision since I put it aside in 1999 to pursue my career as a columnist. I’ve decided the wait is finally over for this manuscript, which I’m preparing the final draft for in hopes of a mid-August debut. Continue reading This week, I’m looking for YOUR Nickel’s Worth on my book excerpt
At Siuslaw News and newspapers everywhere, editorial and advertising staff are strange bedfellows. Anyone who’s been to our company pajama parties knows this.
Assumning they can remember anything.
But no matter how much one department may feel it’s more important than the other, both know they rely on each other for survival. Without advertising dollars, you don’t get a paycheck; without editorial content, you are… FOX News.
In which case no one takes you seriously, including advertisers.
And maybe even your mother. Continue reading Not being taken seriously has its advantages
I should preface this movie trailer for my upcoming film, “The Shadow of Batman,” by assuring you there will not be any fighting with Superman.
Nor was Ben Affleck allowed anywhere near a Batsuit.
In fact, the lead role is portrayed by a relative unknown. And by “relative unknown,” I mean a family member unknown to anyone who doesn’t already follow this blog. The following trailer offers a glimpse of how we’ve returned to the more kitty gritty, mysterious caped crusader of the orgininal comic book — when the mere shadow of Batman was enough to send villains scurrying like mice…
For more on this, and a brand new music video by the multi-talented blogger Gunmetal Geisha, we have joined forces for today’s post over at Long Awkward Pause!
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Men, now that spring is here, it’s time to start preparing for the very real possibility you will soon be neck deep in grass clippings. I know this because I received a Sears catalogue depicting what appears to be an all-American family taking time off from its busy modeling schedule to cook hamburgers on a brand new stainless steel grill large enough to accommodate an entire side of bull elk. As you would expect, children were in the yard squirting each other with water toys and running barefoot over a perfectly manicured lawn which, judging from the size of the family dog, must be self-cleaning. Mom was nearby, well oiled and laying on a lawn chair in her bathing suit, still recovering from her recent Victoria’s Secret lingerie shoot in the Bahamas.
Around the Hickson household, summer starts out a little differently. I was reminded of this yesterday as I stood in our back yard, waist-deep in weeds, swatting at a mosquito with a rusty spatula and trying to remember the last time I saw our hibachi. Continue reading Time to mow again? Learn CPR first
I’d like to thank the American Dental Association for sponsoring this week’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, which brings me to a startling statistic: 4-out-of-5 dentists have never recommended or even heard of this blog. The fifth dentist only heard about it when, moments after my lips went numb, I was trying to say “Ben Roethlisberger’s lob” and he thought I said “Ned’s worthless blog.” Regardless, there are many similarities between keeping a fresh feeling to your writing and avoiding gingivitis. So think of me as your “literary orthodontist” as I take you through a quick writer’s check-up. Please remember I don’t have a saliva vacuum…
Flossing:
A good dentist will tell you it’s important to floss between meals, and will demonstrate its importance by flossing for you during your visit. That’s unless he also happens to be your proctologist, in which case I’d like to welcome you to the National Health Care Plan. Continue reading Want to keep your writing fresh? Start with regular flossing
The thing I hate most about doctors — not counting proctologists — is that they’re always trying to tell you HOW TO LIVE!
For example: “Ned, unless you lower your blood pressure, you’re going to die.”
The nerve!
Though I’m well within my optimum weight range (190 lbs.) for my age (48) and height (6’1″), am active and have a relatively low-stress lifestyle (when our three teens aren’t home), my blood pressure is still high.
Apparently, it’s something that runs in my family. Which is ironic considering my family isn’t known for running.
Anywhere.
Because I don’t really need to lose weight and my heart sounds fine, my doctor has started me on a very mild dose of blood pressure medicine. “Just take 10 milligrams each morning at breakfast,” he said.
“Can I wrap it in bacon first? Ha! Ha!” I joked.
Well, mostly. Continue reading Can life be the same with less bacon in it?
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