Even Barbara Walters wants to be shown ‘The Door’ in our newsroom

(Here is this week’s installment in a special month-long restrospect on The Door in our newsroom, continuing each Wednesday through February. Possibly longer if someone brings donuts…)

Our actual newsroom door, and the envy of Barbara Walters.
Our actual newsroom door — and the envy of Barbara Walters.
It seems comments about The Door among journalists and bloggers — much like your favorite cream cheese or many Hollywood audition hopefuls — have been spreading quickly. Just yesterday, I got a call from Barbara Walters, asking if I would be interested in talking with her about what she called “Those wonderfuwwy wacky and whimsical journa-wistic pieces of histowy.”

I told her I was a big fan and extremely flattered but, “No.”

To which she replied, “DWOP DEAD!” and hung up.

So what is The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance) exactly? Quite literally, it is a living, breathing piece of journalistic history assembled over 40 years by reporters here at Siuslaw News. That said, it’s no mere coincidence that the other side of The Door leads to the commode, where those same reporters have been depositing a different kind of history — and where, in a fitting twist, nothing living can breathe.

Today, we have a new first on The Door: a two-part clipping, meaning that whoever put this piece together has earned the coveted “Twin Globes of Shame” award, which is named in part because of its rare “two-shames-in-one” distinction, and partly because the trophy once belonged to a failed cosmetic surgeon. Continue reading Even Barbara Walters wants to be shown ‘The Door’ in our newsroom

Men, show your love this Valentine’s Day by looking foolish

(As I mentioned Friday, I’m a guest at The Sisterwives today, where I’ve been asked to provide a man’s perspective on Valentine’s Day because — not to brag — but I’ve been called “a master of romance.” Or so I’ve been told while standing in front of my mirror…)

image Since the dawn of time, man has feared Valentine’s Day. I’m a journalist, so you can trust my facts on this. And because I’m a man, you can also trust me when I tell you our fear isn’t because we don’t want to express feelings of love and romance; it’s because we are afraid of looking stupid while doing so.

This fear has been documented as far back as prehistoric times, in a pair of cave drawings paleontologists say depicts a caveman named “Glork” trying to court a cavewoman.

Image one: To demonstrate his masculinity and win a cavewoman’s affections, Glork fights a saber-toothed lion

Image two: Glork is eaten

Millions of years later, though the risk of being eaten by a large predator is relatively low (not counting cougar attacks), men still fear that their attempt to express love could lead to a fate worse than death: Embarrassment. (continue reading at Sisterwives!)

Sounding off about romance with The Sisterwives

imageWhen The Sisterwives ask if you’d like to be a guest on their amazing blog, the answer is always:

“Oh yes… Yesss… YESSSSS!”

Not necessarily in that order.

So when the lovely Samara offered a chance to represent the male point of view regarding Valentine’s Day and romance, I saw it as an opportiunity to open a real dialogue between men and women. Something that could have a lasting impact. Something that could bring the sexes closer together through mutual understanding!

And something that wouldn’t be doomed to failure because we, as men, can’t stop staring at their boobs.

So, continuing the newly-established tradition of offering an audio preview of Monday’s upcoming post, I am including it here. Keep in mind the newspaper version is a bit tamer than what will appear on The Sisterwives, which mentions naked midgets and “Free Mustache Rides” t-shirts. Again, not necessarily in that order. Continue reading Sounding off about romance with The Sisterwives

Stepping back through our newsroom door

Our actual door Our newsroom has a door. But that’s not the point of this post. Over the years, this door has become more than just a way in or out, or something that occasionally gets “stuck” with our editor on the other side. It has also become a Mecca of sorts. A place where journalists since the 1970s have taped, glued, pasted or otherwise adhered (you don’t want to know) headlines that are either badly written, clever or misspelled.

It is a beacon, really, harkening us into the jagged rocks of journalism.

Since the final edition of this weekly feature was posted exactly two years ago today, nearly 3,000 folks — reluctantly, accidentally, regrettably or otherwise — have started following this blog with little or no knowledge of The Door and it’s historical significance to journalism.

Until now.

Through the month of February, I thought it would be fun revisit our newsroom door each Wednesday to highlight some of the best of the worst headlines that grace it’s simulated wood- paneled surface. Since I can’t afford to fly all of you here to see it, and because I have nixed the idea of detaching the door and sending it to each of you to see for yourselves, I’ll be coming to your homes or places of employment to show you my favorites. It will be just like having me standing there next to you with our newsroom door! Except not as creepy. Continue reading Stepping back through our newsroom door

It might be time to take a stand on sitting

image You may want to stand up before reading this. That’s because, according to a recent study published in the Annals of Internal Medicine, sitting increases your chances of premature death. And no, I’m not talking about accidentally sitting on a rattlesnake or Christian Bale’s car hood. I’m talking about the normal, everyday kind of sitting we all do — at work, in the car, at the end of a long day, while playing basketball — that a group of Toronto researchers says increases our chance of health “issues” that can lead to death.

I’m no doctor, but even I know death is a pretty serious health issue.

The report was based on analysis of 47 studies of sedentary behavior, particularly the act of sitting. “Our modern world is constructed to keep people sitting down — and it’s literally killing us,” said one researcher who now travels long distance only by Segway. “I used to take the metro but people kept offering me a seat. I think they were trying to kill me.” Continue reading It might be time to take a stand on sitting

Writers should develop a tough skin (but still remember to moisturize)

image Welcome to Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, that special day each week when I offer writing tips that Publishers’ Monthly has called, “The last word in writing advice. Or so we hope.” And what 50 Shades author E.L. James has refered to as “The inspiration for most of my safe words.”

But enough accolades!

This week’s NWOW was inspired by a good and talanted blogging friend who shall remain synonymous, so we shall call her Michelle, who experienced her first truly negative response to something she posted. The reader in question was somewhat offended by what was essentilly a lighthearted post about accidentally being seen naked by a stranger. I felt Michelle’s approach was tasteful and humorous. Regardless, the reader’s response caught her off guard and caused her to momentarily question her judgement as a writer — something that readers of this blog question every day. Continue reading Writers should develop a tough skin (but still remember to moisturize)

Sounding off about the dangers of sitting

image Last Friday, I offered a “sneak preview” audio snippet of Monday’s upcoming column/blog post. Everyone seemed to like this idea so, naturally, I got very excited and wasted no time in accidentally deleting my SoundCloud account. I went ahead and started a new account, which I plan to fill with full versions of my columns read by James Earl Jones. In the meantime, I’ll keep offering Friday “sneak preview” snippets because it’s fun.

And also, James Earl Jones still isn’t answering my calls.

Monday’s column, It Might be Time To Take a Stand on Sitting, is about a new study released from the Annals of Internal Medicine (Yes, I realize how that sounnds) that suggests sitting dramatically increases our chances of premature death, even if we exercise regularly.

And yes, I have now been standing for 78 hours. Continue reading Sounding off about the dangers of sitting

Just what we need: intoxicated cats

image As if we didn’t have enough to worry about with North Korea, ISIS and the very real threat of another Justin Bieber album, now we can add “drunken cats” to our terrorist watch list. That’s right. Because it’s not like cats didn’t already have enough attitude, right?

Thanks to Japanese manufacturer B&H Lifes, cats can now get drunk and REALLY disagreeable while drinking a new wine developed specifically for the feline palette.

According to B&H Lifes, the wine is made from a combination of Cabernet grapes and catnip, two flavors cats find irresistible — and the second of which manufacturers explain “helps cats release their inhibitions.”

Apparently cat inhibition is a big problem in Japan. Continue reading Just what we need: intoxicated cats

There’s nothing funny about being a firefighter… well, mostly

Here in Oregon, it’s Firefighter Appreciation Day. Appropriately, this week also marked my return to full active duty as a volunteer firefighter with Siuslaw Valley Fire and Rescue following my surgery in November. To celebrate being back, and the deep appreciation I have for my fellow firefighters, I’m reposting a tribute I wrote in 2013 to the incredible men and women of my department…

image Anyone who has read my “About” page knows that, in addition to being a humor columnist, I’m also a volunteer firefighter — a subject I have purposely avoided in my columns because, let’s face it:

Entering a burning structure with someone who writes about glow-in-the-dark mice isn’t exactly reassuring.

For this reason, I have tried hard to separate my two pursuits. As I’ve discovered, this is a little like trying to separate marshmallows using a blow torch; the longer you keep at it, the more they blend together. The truth is, once the emergency is over, firefighters are funny — which is why, after three years, many are still asking, “Why haven’t you written about being a firefighter yet?”

So to all of you, I say:

You asked for it. Continue reading There’s nothing funny about being a firefighter… well, mostly

Ratings decline may require Oscars to get jiggy before things go wack

image As you’ve probably noticed, we have entered the annual “awards show” season, which officially began with the Golden Globe Awards, and is due to wrap up some time in April, when David Hasselhoff hosts the coveted Intoxicated Karaoke Performance Awards live from Tijuana, Mexico.

Every year, I watch at least some of these awards shows because, as a columnist, it’s important for me to keep up with cultural trends. I also watch because seeing Nicki Minaj always makes me feel better about the way I dress. However, according to a recent poll, ratings for awards shows have actually dropped. So much so that programming executives are calling it “an alarming trend.”

Personally, I think the word “alarming” is a little strong.

Coolant levels steadily leaking from a nuclear reactor — THAT’S alarming; a decline in the number of people tuning in to see how long it takes for a fight to break out at the Rapp Awards is actually pretty encouraging. The obvious reason ratings are down is because the number of awards shows is up. The entertainment industry must ask itself if it really needs The Golden Globes, The Oscars and The Peoples’ Choice Awards in order to single out Hollywood’s finest when they could just as easily save time and money by combining all three into, say…

The Peoples’ Globes Awards.

Okay, bad example (Although, it does sound like something that’s probably available on cable.) Continue reading Ratings decline may require Oscars to get jiggy before things go wack