Tag: comedy

Impress your kids; freak out on a carnival ride

imageI have a basic rule of thumb when it comes to carnival rides: If the person running a ride, such as the Squirrel Cages, keeps a garden hose available for spraying out the seats, I stay away. That’s because this person’s sole ambition is to make me — and others like me — vomit. I realize this person may be a trained professional who, on a daily basis, makes countless split-second decisions on whether to push the red or green button to stop the ride.

And, yes, I realize this individual has nothing but the safety of his passengers in mind when he secures a safety latch by removing his boot and whacking it until his arm gets tired, at which point, being a trained professional, he bolsters the confidence of his nervous riders by hacking up a cheekful of phlegm and shrugging his shoulders before walking off.  Continue reading Impress your kids; freak out on a carnival ride

My biggest childhood fear? Being bitten by a radioactive stink bug

imageFor most of us, there comes a time in our lives when we must face the truth, and accept the fact we will never actually possess any type of super-human powers. This includes the ability to fly, shoot laser beams out of our eyes, or look good in a skin-tight costume.

As a child, I spent countless hours thumbing through comic books and dreaming of the day I would be bitten by a radioactive insect — and knowing full well that, with my luck, it would probably be something stupid like a moth:

“Curses! It’s Moth Man, here to foil my evil plans! HOW CAN I STOP HIM! Hey… maybe I’ll try this porch light…”

In fact, I was so sure that I would end up as a lame super hero that, with the help of my friends, we came up with a plan to MAKE me into “Spider-man” before there was any chance of me being bitten by a radioactive moth, ear wig, silverfish or stink bug.

Our plan was simple.

Step one: Find a spider (preferably a small one) and expose it to high levels of radiation.

Step two: Make it bite me.  Continue reading My biggest childhood fear? Being bitten by a radioactive stink bug

Remote-controlled rats could lead to Stepford Husbands

imageAs I’ve mentioned before, because of our home’s proximity to the local wharf, from time to time we have a problem with rodents. Now, when I say “rodents,” I mean rats.

And when I say “problem,” I mean finding mysterious entries scrawled on our grocery list that read:

Git mor cheeez

However, I know that we aren’t alone in this, and that our neighbors undoubtedly have the same rodent problem. I know this because 1) They are our neighbors, and therefore live as close to the wharf as we do, and 2) Because we routinely lob assorted cheese curds into their yards before going to bed.

[Note to neighbors: We are NOT trying to entice the rats from our house into yours; we’re simply trying to entice you to eat more cheese.]

That said, some recent discoveries could change the way we go about solving our rat problem. According to a recent article in the journal Nature, researchers at the State University of New York have created the world’s first living remote-controlled rat. By implanting tiny electrodes in rats’ brains, scientists can command the rats to turn left or right, climb trees, navigate mazes, and, in some cases, stage dramatic light saber duels while dressed as tiny Star Wars characters.  Continue reading Remote-controlled rats could lead to Stepford Husbands

Don’t forget the cat when taking down your Christmas tree

imageFor our family, packing up the Christmas decorations is never easy. Not only because it means the official end of the holiday season, but also because it means it’s time to pry the cat out of the Christmas tree.

What makes this process especially difficult is sap. You see, it’s not until after spending the better part of December attached to the mid-section of our tree that our cat realizes she can no longer retract her claws.

A few years ago, this actually resulted in a front page story in the National Inquirer under the headline:

Holiday Tree sprouts CAT TUMOR!

It’s not like we haven’t tried to keep this tragedy from happening. In fact, we’ve even taken our cat to a pet psychologist, thinking that maybe she suffers from a traumatic experience that is somehow triggered by the site of Christmas trees — such as an unresolved conflict with a strand of tinsel.  Continue reading Don’t forget the cat when taking down your Christmas tree

Teaming up with my wife today (just like at night) has its perks

image As I mentioned in this morning’s post, for those of you following my pursuit of “Performer of the Year” in the the A Star is Born competition at The Public Blogger, this week’s round is a doubleheader in which I had the privilege of teaming up with my lovely wife.

For me, nothing as as good as when I can share it with her. Things are always better that way. And I’ll just leave it at that.

So, as much fun as it has been participating in this competition, having the chance to share the experience with her this week has been the best so far. The challenge for this round, which will determine the Final Two as we head into the last round next week, is called “Imitation of Life.” The objective being to demonstrate through words and a video, whether your art is an imitation of your life or a representation of it. For the first part of today’s challenge, my wife’s task was to offer an inside look to reveal “the truth” about who I am.

And without using any of that footage of me in a red thong.  Continue reading Teaming up with my wife today (just like at night) has its perks

Revealing myself… WAIT, it’s not what you think!

Yes, that really is me (on the left)
Yes, that really is me (on the left)

When other people talk about me, it’s usually behind my back. Not that I’m paranoid.

I just… know it.

So naturally, our next challenge in the “Performer of the Year” competition at The Public Blogger is to put together a special two-part presentation revealing who we are through the eyes of others. As you might expect, this meant soliciting people to talk about me in front of my back — the objective being to offer a revealing look into whether we are an imitation or representation of our art.

I don’t know what all that means, but I’m repeating it here in hope of sounding highly sophisticated and artistic.

Now before I show you the clips below, I promise you that “revealing” who I am does not involve any undergarments. This time.  Continue reading Revealing myself… WAIT, it’s not what you think!

My intuition tells me our family will be drowning in tuition

imageAs parents, my wife and I have been very honest with our three teenagers about the level of financial support they can expect from us for college. To do this, I used my annual donation to our local public broadcasting station as an example.

“You know how they have different levels of supporters? And how the more money you contribute, the nicer the gift they send you as a show of their appreciation for your support — like a T-shirt or really nice backpack, or if you’re a gold-level member an entire season of your favorite PBS show in a special limited edition boxed set on Blu-Ray?”

Our kids nodded.

“As a gift, we received a refrigerator magnet for a show that was canceled three years ago.”

Blank stares from our kids.

“So yeah, the only free-ride scholarship you’re going to get from us will have already been spent on food and your unlimited texting and data plans.”  Continue reading My intuition tells me our family will be drowning in tuition

Mr. Knowitall is happy to answer your gift-buying questions

imageSince the introduction of Mr. Knowitall, who is our resident historian, economist, food critic, movie reviewer, foreign affairs consultant, science correspondent, consumer products expert and vending machine repairman (not necessarily in that order), many of you have written in seeking advice about holiday gift-buying.

Due to the enormous volume of email we received, they will be answered through a lottery-style process — which means that, until he wins the lottery, Mr. Knowitall will continue to answer your questions.

So let us begin!  Continue reading Mr. Knowitall is happy to answer your gift-buying questions

In case you missed it, I was elected President last night. Sort of…

image

If you follow me on Facebook along with 20,000 other….

Hold on a second. Sorry, the cat walked across the keyboard.

I mean, 200 other people, then you probably already know our “Dempublican Campaign” submission won this week’s round in the “Performance of the Year” competition at The Public Blogger — Ranking me back at No. 1 as we head into Round 8 this Sunday.

However, if you don’t follow me on Facebook along with 200,000,000 others (no cat this time), then you probably haven’t slept all night because you’ve been writhing with anticipation! If there’s any other kind of writhing involved from last night, please keep it to yourself.  Continue reading In case you missed it, I was elected President last night. Sort of…

It’s time for change in politics (unless you’re wearing a diaper)

image As I mentioned Friday, as a candidate representing the new Dempublican Party, I am running for President of the United States.

Tonight.

No, you didn’t pull a VanWinkle and sleep through the last year while watching reruns of The Kardashians. My campaign is part of this week’s challenge to win “Performer of the Year” in The Public Blogger’s A Star is Born competition. Think of it as The Oscars of the blogging world meets The Apprentice, then gets dropped into Hell’s Kitchen — except hosted by Ryan Seacrest.

Unbeknownst (I can mark that word off my bucket list now) to us, the competition actually began months ago with 700 bloggers from around the world, all of whom were judged by an “Inner Circle” of panelists based on our individual artistic merits.

Yes, I see your mouth has dropped open much like mine, but I assure you my inclusion as the only humorist to reach the final 12 wasn’t a mistake. And if it was, it’s too late now. I already bought stationary and I’m not taking it back.  Continue reading It’s time for change in politics (unless you’re wearing a diaper)