Tag: journalism

Reasons why I’m horrible at promoting my book

image Welcome to this week’s edition of Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, when I draw upon my 15 years as a columnist to offer pearls of wisdom which, much like pearls from an actual oyster, started off as a small irritation before natural mucus secretions created something rare and highly coveted. But don’t just take my word for it! Many of today’s most prolific authors have referred to my weekly NWOW as:

“Something … actual”
“Highly … written,” and
“A rare … secretion.”

Awww shucks! Enough with the accolades!

This week’s NWOW is going to be a bit of a departure because, as you can see, the shameless self promotion of my book has begun and, to be quite honest, I am discovering I have a natural God-given gift for discouraging people from buying it.

Maybe I’m too honest.

Maybe I’m not polished enough at schmoozing.

Maybe I have a subconscious desire to leap naked into a pool of lukewarm Carmel Nog coffee.

(Yes, I realize that has nothing to do with promoting my book, but I think it clearly illustrates just how truly BAD I am at this.) Continue reading Reasons why I’m horrible at promoting my book

This week’s edition of The Box is special… Because it’s two days late

"Skippy" the rabid, blindfolded squirrel is more than a mascot; he's a weapon.
“Skippy” the rabid, blindfolded squirrel is more than a mascot; he’s a weapon.
Welcome to a special Thursday edition of The Box! As I explained in a warning post yesterday morning, a flu outbreak reared it’s ugly head in my nostrils Tuesday. There’s more to this lame excuse highly justified reason for not having posted The Box on it’s regular day, but the fact that my situation was referred to by someone as “The Perfect Storm” is probably reason enough, even if that “someone” was me.

Suffice it to say, there were throngs of people who were all heart.

Wait, sorry. I’m still a little feverish.

I meant to say there were people wearing thongs at Walmart, where I posted an update yesterday morning while waiting for my medication. I blame those people for setting back my recovery process by at least a day.

Give or take a year. Continue reading This week’s edition of The Box is special… Because it’s two days late

I know The Box was absent yesterday, but I have a note from my mother

After my deadline, fighting the flu, preparing for my firefighter skills test and the likelihood of vomiting..
After my deadline, fighting the flu, preparing for my firefighter skills test and the likelihood of vomiting.
Much like when I was in middle school, and told Mrs. Taskmaster I didn’t have my homework assignment or a written excuse because “my dog ate my mom,” I have an equally ridiculous excuse as to why this week’s edition of The Box wasn’t posted yesterday.

For those who follow me on Twitter (and if you don’t, who can blame you), they know I was dealt a “Perfect Storm” of events yesterday, much like the movie with George Clooney, except as a really bad sequel that Clooney turned down in favor of the lead in Gigli 2.

My “Perfect Storm” scenario included the following plot twists:

1) A feverish, sneeze-inducing form of Influenza
2) An early newspaper deadline because of,
3) A mandatory hands-on firefighter skills test to take

My objectives were to arrive at work by 5 a.m. and meet a 1 p.m. deadline, then hurry to the fire station, where I would take a five-evolution skills test in full gear and breathing apparatus, all while trying not to sneeze uncontrollably into my face mask, thus obscuring my view while simultaneously resembling something from the movie Alien, thereby setting off a chain reaction of vomiting by my fellow firefighters inside their face masks. Continue reading I know The Box was absent yesterday, but I have a note from my mother

Coming out to the ones you love about your alternative (writing) lifestyle

image (Today at Siuslaw News, we are short-staffed and on early deadlines, with many of us suffering the lingering effects of tryptophan and alcohol. The result is an extremely small staff of tired, hungover reporters trying to put out today’s edition. Being that I am the tallest and least hungover, I am suddenly an integral part of assuring today’s success — which is a stark contrast to the role I normally play in the newsroom. What does this all mean? For those who recognized the title of this week’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, you already know it’s a repeat from a year ago regarding what it means to be a writer. For those who never read this post or, for reasons of their own, blocked the experience from their minds, this will be new to you. In either case, whether reading this for the first time, a second time or angrily throwing your coffee at the monitor and sending me the bill, always be proud to be a writer…) Continue reading Coming out to the ones you love about your alternative (writing) lifestyle

Accompaniments for deep-fried turkey should include a fire extinguisher

Deep frying a turkey. Watching football. Both are great, but not together.
(Welcome to Flashback… Thursday? Sorry, I know this is a feature reserved for Sundays, but it must be the tripptof tryptoagh triptoe sleepy stuff in my turkey talking. Either way, just think of it as a special holiday post no one really asked for… And a chance for me to say: Thank You to each of you for all the laughs we share each week…)

The human brain.

Most of us have one.

For those who don’t, there are warning labels.

Unfortunately, these warnings don’t appear on actual humans. Instead, they are issued by the Consumer Product Safety Commission, which has the monumental task of thinking up ways stupid people might injure themselves using standard household items.

While the commission generally stays ahead of the curve with the help of researchers, lab studies, and a select group of retired circus chimps, from time to time a hot new product is embraced so quickly by the general public that there’s simply no time to warn them that actually embracing it could result in serious injury. This past holiday season, according to the safety commission, reports of house fires involving large men submerging whole turkeys into deep fryers has risen dramatically. This prompted the commission to issue a special, multi-paged consumer alert called:

Fryer, Fryer Pants on Fire. Continue reading Accompaniments for deep-fried turkey should include a fire extinguisher

The Walking Dead may trip over this week’s edition of The Box

image Welcome to The Box, an exciting Tuesday feature that combines the drama of investigative journalism with the thrill of a wild, blindfolded squirrel. Think of it as “BJ and the Bear,” but with the potential of “Bear” biting “BJ” and giving him rabies.

Each week, I put my 15 years of journalistic experience to the test by identifying a randomly chosen photograph that has remained unclaimed in our newsroom since as far back as the 1980s. What makes this feature especially riveting, aside from its well-timed use of exclamation points! (see?!), is the selection process, which involves:

1) Me dumping The Box of photos directly onto the floor, and
2) Yelling “RELEASE THE SQUIRREL!” before turning “Skippy” loose in the newsroom.

The photo nearest the first person who screams is selected!

Make sense? Of course not! But that’s just the rabies talking. Continue reading The Walking Dead may trip over this week’s edition of The Box

Want to keep your writing fresh? Start with regular flossing

image I’d like to thank the American Dental Association for sponsoring this week’s writing tip, which brings me to a startling statistic: 4-out-of-5 dentists have never recommended or even heard of this blog. The fifth dentist only heard about it when, moments after my lips went numb, I was trying to say “Ben Roethlisberger’s lob” and he thought I said “Ned’s worthless blog.” Regardless, there are many similarities between keeping a fresh feeling to your writing and avoiding gingivitis. So think of me as your “literary orthodontist” as I take you through a quick writer’s check-up. Please remember I don’t have a saliva vacuum…

Flossing:
A good dentist will tell you it’s important to floss between meals, and will demonstrate its importance by flossing for you during your visit. That’s unless he also happens to be your proctologist, in which case I’d like to welcome you to the new National Health Care Plan. Continue reading Want to keep your writing fresh? Start with regular flossing

The Box offers more proof the elderly can’t be trusted

Each week, "Skippy" helps us select a photo from The Box. At least, as long as we have health coverage.
Each week, “Skippy” helps us select a photo from The Box. At least, as long as we have health coverage.
It’s Tuesday! That means I have dumped the contents of The Box onto the floor of our newsroom and, in a few moments, I will RELEASE THE SQUIRREL!

However, as I mentioned last week, I have begun to lose the element of surprise now that my fellow reporters are familiar with this weekly ritual. So, to switch things up, I am going to cut the lights seconds before announcing the release of “Skippy,” our wild, blindfolded and slightly rabid squirrel.

Given that our newsroom has no windows, it will be pitch black once I flip the switch.

Here it goes…. Continue reading The Box offers more proof the elderly can’t be trusted

Coming soon to a group meeting near you: My shameless self promotional tour

As you can see, I'm positioning myself for potential sponsorship from Swanson's.
As you can see, I’m positioning myself for potential sponsorship from Swanson’s.
This morning officially kicked off my book promotion junket — or in my case, dinghy — by speaking at the Unitarian Universalist Church.

My topic?

Biblical Prophecy and Its Warnings About Miley Cyrus.

At least, that was going to be my topic. But following the advice of my publisher, Ellen, I made a last-minute topic change:

Life Without Humor is No Laughing Matter (Get it?) Continue reading Coming soon to a group meeting near you: My shameless self promotional tour

… This Just In …

image

…TAT-tat-tat-TAT-TAT-tat-tat-TAT…

[Breaking News: from another strangely irrelevant moment in our newsroom…]

There’s nothing like deadline days at a newspaper. Except maybe closing an oven door on your head repeatedly for 8 to 10 hours. It is a day filled with split-second decisions, each of which can lead to rippling ramifications in terms of overall ink usage. Today was a true test of our abilities as a news room: A key story had fallen through; we were down one reporter; and we were completely out of Cheetos in our vending machine. It was in essence, the “perfect storm” scenario when my editor called me into her office… Continue reading … This Just In …