Tag: life

Even major news outlets are asking for… The Door

The Door in our newsroom. No, really...
The Door in our newsroom. No, really…
Even after turning down an angry Barbara Walters (“DWOP DEAD!”) and a still-sleeping Brit Hume (“Phhhhhhhh-zzzzzzzz”), major news networks like ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX and The 700 Club are continuing to call me about The Door, hoping to get an exclusive on what Brian Williams called “The most important contribution to journalism since that new girl on ‘Wipe-Out.'” Just this morning, John Quinones called my cell phone, demanding access to our newsroom with a camera crew, saying, “What would YOU do — if I kicked your skinny white CULO!”

For those of you wondering what all the fuss is about, I should explain that The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance) is located in our newsroom and is home to a collection of the best and worst examples of newspaper journalism, clipped and pasted to it by reporters here at Siuslaw News since the 1970s — back when truth was defined in black and white, yet the line between nose hair and mustaches was a little grey. For more than 40 years, The Door has served as a sentinel, preserving journalistic history while, simultaneously, preserving breathable air serving as the door to our commode. Continue reading Even major news outlets are asking for… The Door

On vacation… at the keyboard

This is what I look like in deep thought. Or trying to get something out of my tooth. Or when there's a fly in the library.
This is what I look like in deep thought. Or trying to get something out of my tooth. Or when there’s a fly in the library.
I am on VACATION, BABY! And I will be spending the next seven days, between 10 a.m. and 6 p.m., enjoying the luxurious accommodations of…

Our local library.

If you’re looking for me, I’ll be the one hunched over my ipad in a cubical near the “Periodicals” section, working on the final draft of my book, Humor at the Speed of Life, which is due Aug. 16. I realize my deadline is a whole month away. I also realize I am easily distracted, which is why I chose to put myself in a cubical, away from television, snacks, my beautiful wife and reliable wi-fi service. However, I don’t plan to be a total slacker. I will still be posting this week’s entry for The Door tomorrow, as well as Flashback Sunday on… uh, Sunday.

If you happen to be in the neighborhood of the Siuslaw Public Library, stop in and say “Hi!” But not too loudly; the librarian carries a taser — and she has really good aim. If I’m laying facedown, it’s only because I’m concentrating really hard.

Or I’ve been tased.

Either way, I’ll be glad to see you.

Impress your friends and family! Freak out on a carnival ride

(If you know what today is, raise your right hand. Great! If you know what we do here each Sunday, raise your left hand. Fantastic! Now, with both hands in the air, walk to the medicine cabinet and take your medication — because if you believe I can actually see what you’re doing, there are more important things you need to deal with than reading today’s Flashback Sunday. For the rest of you, it’s time once again to delve into the Flashback archives, back to a time when all comments left by readers started with “I am liking your site very well!”; back when I made the empty promise of a free kitten to every new follower; back to a time when I thought “Freshly Pressed” was website offering the latest weight lifting records…)

Squirrel Cages I have a basic rule of thumb when it comes to carnival rides: If the person running a ride, such as the Squirrel Cages, keeps a garden hose available for spraying out the seats, I stay away.

That’s because this person’s sole ambition is to make me — and others like me — vomit. I realize this person may be a trained professional who, on a daily basis, makes countless split-second decisions on whether to push the red or green button to stop the ride. And, yes, I realize this individual has nothing but the safety of his passengers in mind when he secures a safety latch by removing his boot and whacking it until his arm gets tired, at which point, being a trained professional, he bolsters the confidence of his nervous riders by hacking up a cheekful of phlegm and shrugging his shoulders before walking off. Continue reading Impress your friends and family! Freak out on a carnival ride

Part two: My interview with self-proclaimed best-selling author Ima Knowitall

Fifty Shades of Time-Traveling Vampire Love, is going live on self-publishing sites everywhere tomorrow. As one agent at Random Day said, “this book has caused a buzz in the publishing world louder than a circling fly…”)

image As I mentioned in my first interview, Ima Knowitall is the author of more than 40 online novels this past year, and was recently honored by the Society of Illiterate Columnists (SIC) for her contributions to “…the advancement of people who write without the shackles of proper grammar.” So landing an interview with an author of this caliber on the eve of her latest release was — as Ima described something she found in her taco — a total surprise.

For those of you who might’ve missed the first part of my interview with Ima because, for example, you just recently gave up life as a Quaker, I should explain that our breakfast interview had been interrupted by the untimely arrival of the health department while waiting for a taco omelette at Sam N’ Ella’s restaurant. Since there was no time to get anything to-go because Sam and Ella had already left through the back window, we had decided to take our interview somewhere else. Continue reading Part two: My interview with self-proclaimed best-selling author Ima Knowitall

The verdict is in: we the jury are free to go

image So as it turns out, the closest I got to witnessing any courtroom drama today was while sitting in the jury assembly room watching the Zimmerman trial on Court TV. Apparently, the defendant in the case WE were scheduled to hear this morning never showed. As a result, at approximately 11 a.m., “Municipal Betty,” who registered me when I arrived, stood before us and thanked us for our service before sending us on our way.

“None of you will have to worry about seeing this building again for two years,” she said. But as I walked by, she whispered, “Except for you, depending on what you do with that stolen car.”

“That really depends on you, ” I said, “and whether you want it back.”

Next stop: Circuit court!

For all of you who kept me company in the jury assembly room via my blog, many thanks 😉 Especially you, Lisa and Jen

And to Is Everyone an Idiot But Me, it was nice to meet you.

I was picked first! …for jury duty

image I just reported for jury duty a few minutes ago. My third time in two years. When I handed in my juror sheet to the registration desk, the women looked it over.

“Where did you park? We have free parking across the street.”

“I stole a car,” I replied.

“You know,” she said after giving me a long look, “if I had the power, I would totally excuse you.”

Answering your painful questions about my softball season

(If you’re someone who doesn’t normally have flashbacks on a regular basis, but wants to start having them, this blog can help! And without expensive prescription medication or those annoying side effects, such as abdominal bleeding, thoughts of suicide or liver failure! That’s right! Welcome to Flashback Sunday, when we dig into the archives to a time before I had any readers who weren’t in the coma ward at Hackensaw Hospital; back when talking openly to a woman about your blog led to slap in the face; back when “Freshly Pressed” was a dry cleaners on Crenshaw Blvd. Today’s flashback is from 2004, when readers of my newspaper column wanted to know how my first season of men’s softball was going. You’ll be sorry they asked. I know I was…)

imageA few weeks ago I mentioned joining a men’s softball team after not participating in anything athletic since (conservative estimate) the golden era of dodgeball in the early ‘70s. In response, I have received letters and emails offering encouragement, support and, in an isolated incident, a lucky athletic cup from someone named “Derek.”

Admittedly, I was curious as to what qualified this particular cup as “lucky.” His response should be a lesson to us all regarding the dangers of continuous baseball usage.

“I used to get hit — there — almost every game,” Derek explained. “Sometimes two or three times. But my [censored] never got hurt.”

Though he didn’t mention it, I suspect Derek also has a “lucky” batting helmet. Continue reading Answering your painful questions about my softball season

… This Just In …

image

…TAT-tat-tat-TAT-TAT-tat-tat-TAT…

[Breaking News: from another strangely irrelevant moment in our news room…]

Walking into my editor’s office, I stare at the newly-refurbished computer monitor on her desk, complete with “Good working condition certification” sticker.

Me: Wow, It looks like something from Star Trek.

Editor: Have you seen “Into Darkness?”

Me: I’m talking about the TV show. I think this was part of Sulu’s console. Wait, is that a tribble?

Editor: Get out before I set this stapler for “stun.”

Why this week’s ‘Nickel’s Worth on Writing’ isn’t worth a dime

My Engine 2 crew, in position for July Fourth; all dressed up and no where to go — which wasn't a bad thing...
My Engine 2 crew, in position for July Fourth; all dressed up and no where to go — which wasn’t a bad thing…
As everyone knows — and by “everyone,” I mean anyone who thinks today should really be Saturday — this is normally the day I post Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, my weekly feature on writing tips authors and publishers have heralded as “Insightful reading that should be a part of every bathroom library,” and “Tips that have helped countless aspiring authors establish themselves as parking attendants.”

This week, however, I’m asking you to hold on to your nickels. Not just because the postmaster here is getting annoyed sorting postcards with a nickel’s worth of change taped to them; and not just because the second part of my follow-up interview with self-proclaimed best-selling author Ima Knowitall was delayed by food poisoning while eating at The Enfermo Taco; and not just because the holiday put me so far behind here in the newsroom that I may need to call a proctologist to get me out. Continue reading Why this week’s ‘Nickel’s Worth on Writing’ isn’t worth a dime

Wimpy fireworks take excitement out of having facial hair

image First, the good news.

According to the National Council on Fireworks Safety, fireworks-related injuries have dropped by 75 percent in the last decade.

The bad news, as anyone over the age of 30 can tell you, is that today’s fireworks are about as exciting to watch as a pile of smoldering pencil shavings.

For example: It used to be that “sparklers” actually sparkled. They showered the air with tiny crackling embers so bright you could see them through your eyelids. The bravest kids would spin them like propellers, knowing full well their eyebrows would grow back by mid summer. Continue reading Wimpy fireworks take excitement out of having facial hair