Tag: musings

Join hundreds of journalists who use… The Door

The Door is Oregon's equivalent to a journalistic Smithsonian. Pretty much.
The Door is Oregon’s equivalent to a journalistic Smithsonian. Pretty much.
While it’s true The Door is a weekly feature written by a journalist, about journalism, and inspired by clippings taped to a 50-year-old door that shields real journalists from dangerous emissions from a mostly-working commode located in an actual newsroom, it is — like the commode itself — available for anyone to enjoy! That’s because The Door does not judge. It does not discriminate. It does not prejudge.

It also does not seal properly, but that’s beside the point.

As regular followers of this feature know, The Door celebrates the best and worst in journalism since the 1970s, when reporters here at the Siuslaw News taped the first erroneous clipping to The Door in an effort to highlight the “shame, blame and brilliance” of journalism, as well as cover a fist-sized hole in The Door that, while a handy pass-through for toilet paper, made decorum nearly impossible.

Think of The Door as the Oregon Coast equivalent of a journalistic Smithsonian, except without all the pompous credibility and historic distinction. Journalist or not, join us now as we travel back to 1999, when Eugene’s Register-Guard printed a report from the Associated Press that falls under the rare “brilliance” category of The Door. Continue reading Join hundreds of journalists who use… The Door

Tips to jump-start your writing (unless you’re in Arkansas)

They say change is good, especially if there’s a nickel involved. Why a nickel? Because that’s all you need each Friday for Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing! For newcomers, this is the day I share my collective wisdom from 15 years as a columnist and share it with you, at half the price of my hourly wage! Here are a just a couple of testimonials from regular readers of Ned’s NWOW…

“I discovered this website totally by accident — I haven’t slept since”
“Thanks to what I’ve learned from Ned’s NWOW, I’m now pursuing a rewarding career cleaning hazard cones!”

Enough accolades! Let’s get to it…

image There’s nothing quite like staring at a blank page, knowing that with a few strokes of the keyboard you will transform a landscape devoid of life into a living, breathing thing of your own creation. There’s also nothing quite like finishing that fourth cup of coffee only to find that same blank page staring back at you. Sure, you may have typed several sentences — or maybe even the same sentence several times — in hopes of gaining some kind of momentum to carry you over that first hump, but the cursor repeatedly stalls out in the same spot, leaving you with the same blank page after riding the “delete” button back to the beginning.

That’s why it’s called a “cursor.” Continue reading Tips to jump-start your writing (unless you’re in Arkansas)

Science links obesity to fat, lazy microbes

image Scientists at Cornell University have created a device capable of measuring the weight of a single cell. This is big news because it moves us beyond the limits of sub-gram measurements “nano,” “pico” and “femto,” and into an exciting new realm of measurements known as “zeppo,” “harpo” and “groucho.” This could eventually lead to the smallest and least-known unit of measure, “shempo.”

Many of you are probably wondering how useful this information really is when it seems most things — cars, houses, Americans in general — are actually getting bigger. Personally, I see no benefit in being able to describe my weight as “a little over 70 trillion harpo-grams.” And I can tell you no husband wants to be around when his wife discovers, after eating that extra helping of potato salad this July Fourth, that she not only gained back the 17 trillion zeppo-grams she’d lost, but also put on an extra two million grouchos. It doesn’t matter that all of this adds up to less than a single uncooked lima bean.

What matters is that if he made the potato salad, he will be held responsible. Continue reading Science links obesity to fat, lazy microbes

I swear I’m not an ungrateful jerk…

image I’d like to preface this post by saying, on the surface at least, I would appear to be an awards-receiving schmuck in the eyes of my fellow bloggers — so many of whom I admire and am inspired by on a daily basis. Yet in spite of this, I have successfully been unresponsive to six awards since March, which began when newly-christened grandmother Marcia at Bookin’ It presented me with the lovely “Shine On” award. A week later, National Harold-Gazette included me on its list of “15 Very Inspiring Bloggers” which, I suspect, came as a result of my repeated failed attempts to add a Facebook link to my account without crashing the entire WordPress platform.

As I sat at my desk the next day feeling both appreciative and humbled by the nods from fellow bloggers, Reflections of a Single Girl, who has educated me about modern single life with a mix of whimsy, wit and WTF, graciously awarded me my second Liebster. At that point, I was already teetering on the brink of feeling overwhelmed by the need to respond with something brilliant to no fewer than three bloggers and 35 personal questions. At most, there are four interesting things about myself, three of which took place before I was conceived. Continue reading I swear I’m not an ungrateful jerk…

Before leaving the newsroom, four out of five journalists recommend using… The Door

The Door in all it's glory.
The Door in all it’s glory.
The above statement is more than just a flashy headline meant to hook you into reading this post. It’s a proven fact, based on a highly coordinated, in-depth poll taken over the course of three minutes here at the Siuslaw News.

I know what you’re asking yourself: Why not five out of five?

That’s because we actually only have four reporters in our newsroom. The fifth person in this poll isn’t “technically” a reporter because, technically speaking, he was already on the other side of The Door, jamming a plumbing snake down the commode. So, as a show of my journalistic integrity — and also because someone at the corporate office may read this and add more projects because of our “new five-person staff” — I couldn’t in good conscience claim 5-out-of-5 in my headline. Continue reading Before leaving the newsroom, four out of five journalists recommend using… The Door

I repeat: Your children have not been invaded by aliens — it’s just Father’s Day

(For the second week in a row, I am utilizing the power of Flashback Sunday to stay ahead of the space-time continuum and avoid actually being late on my post by convincing you, the reader, that Stephen Hawking says my columns are like a black hole, devoid of the confines of time, space and, as he put it, “Any actual content.” So journey with me now back to 2004, back when I thought Freshly Pressed was prison jargon for a white collar criminal who is added to the general population…

And in all sincerity to you Dads out there: Happy Father’s Day.)

image As any father will tell you, today is a very special day. That’s because it allows you to see what it would be like if your children came from another planet. On Father’s Day, children are required (And I’m pretty sure this is an actual law) to do things they would otherwise only do if there was some serious chocolate involved.

It is essentially a day similar to how you envisioned each day would be, back before you actually HAD children; back before reality set in, and you came to realize that, although insanity didn’t previously run in your family, there was a good chance it would be starting with you.

For example, on Fathers’ Day, there’s always enough hot water for my shower. That means plenty of time to wash-up, shave, and even get the mirror foggy so that, by squinting really hard, I sort of look like George Clooney in the shower, squinting really hard.

That’s on Fathers’ Day.

On normal days, the hot water lasts just long enough for me to realize that, in the time it takes for me to squint, I’m ALREADY OUT OF HOT WATER. Continue reading I repeat: Your children have not been invaded by aliens — it’s just Father’s Day

Best gumbo west of the south was almost good enough for first place

image So when the chef’s aprons finally hit the floor at the end of yesterday’s firefighter cook-off, and I realized why I’d been feeling a draft all day, our team finished second with our chicken and sausage gumbo. The host team from Newport, with it’s briquet chili, took the top prize. I didn’t get a chance taste it, but it must’ve been amazing in order to beat out the Best Gumbo West of the South.

Our chicken and sausage gumbo, with dirty rice. How dirty? It wouldn't get a "G" rating, let's put it that way.
Our chicken and sausage gumbo, with dirty rice. How dirty? It wouldn’t get a “G” rating, let’s put it that way.
Rumor has it the reason the judging ran late was because they were trying to decide between our gumbo and Newport’s chili.

I think it’s also possible that, after eating both dishes, they went out for beers to counteract the spiciness.

Our team, Greg and Arda Stober, along with my wife and I. Our clear display boxes had small strobe lights covered in red and yellow tissue paper to look like flames. That's just how cool we are.
Our team, Greg and Arda Stober, along with my wife and I. Our clear display boxes had small strobe lights covered in red and yellow tissue paper to look like flames. That’s just how cool we are.
Either way, I couldn’t be more proud of our team, which included my lovely wife, and fellow firefighters Greg and Arda Stober. We also had support from Janet and Annette, who made the trip from our Florence fire station to show their support by attempting to sabotage Newport’s chili with pieces of chopped up fire boot insoles.

Nice try, girls. Continue reading Best gumbo west of the south was almost good enough for first place

This Just In!

image Journalism is about concrete facts. For example, did you know the first all-weather shoe was actually made of cement and worn by the Glug-Glug tribe of the West Indies, which disappeared 300 years ago while crossing a frozen lake? Blogger ddupre315 at Random Thoughts of Existance called me out on this rule after realizing my previous This Just In post failed to explain what kind of air freshener “The Voice” used to freshen up the bathroom after “Joe.”

As ddupre315 expressed, “How could you leave out an important detail in such an enthralling story? Disappointed…”

Soooooo
Tat-tat-tat-Tat-tat-tat-tat-Tat-Tat-tat-tat-Tat Continue reading This Just In!

This just in!

image Today, we begin a new feature here at Ned’s Blog called “This Just In!” which offers breaking news on strangely irrelevant moments in our newsroom. Think of it as a companion piece to The Door, except instead of looking to the past for “Shame, Blame and Brilliance,” you can experience up-to-the-minute coverage as it happens right now!

Wait…

Do you hear that? It’s an outdated tele-type machine!

TAT-tat-TAT-tat-tat-TAT-tat-tat-tat-TAT-tat-tat-tat… Continue reading This just in!

Did I miss a meeting?

Today, while conducting maintenance and inventory at our fire station, we discovered that the old “sleepers” quarters above the engine bay had been left unlocked. The room is always padlocked, so it has remained something of a mystery to our crew — until now.

Along with emergency supplies, water bottles, a dozen empty 55 gallon drums, dried food and bags of vegetable seeds, we found this:

image

It’s from the Center for Disease Control (CDC) and labeled:

Oregon Emergency Management Services: Zombie Pandemic Preparedness

Um… did I miss a meeting?