Tag: musings

Your publishing contract: What language is this?

(It’s Friday, and you know what that means… That’s right! Look in your car’s ash tray, or in the laundry drum of your washer, for some extra change because it’s time for this week’s edition of Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing. Can’t find any change? No problem! We’re on the honor system here at NWOW; we trust you’ll send that nickel, and you trust that the advice you receive will be worth the gum ball you gave up. As most of you know, these are my re-posts from Gliterary Girl, a book review and writing website where I’m a weekly contributor. I am also the only male. Is my masculinity threatened by this? Ha! Ha! Of course not! Only my wife can do that…)

image So this is one of those rare posts that comes in two parts. And if you’re an astute observer, such as myself, you are beginning to realize that, yes:

This is part two.

This next sentence includes a link to Part One right here, which is my own attempt at a Hulu-like service to readers, with the added benefit of no commercials or irritating ads.

Go ahead. I’ll wait for you while eating this delicious new Chicken Wrap from a participating McDonald’s… Continue reading Your publishing contract: What language is this?

Why I’m not in advertising…

You may find it hard to believe, but I’m not a fashion icon. No, really — it’s true. Unless it includes denim and lace-up boots, I rarely wear it. So it should come as no surprise I wasn’t aware that Old Navy and The Gap joined forces in 2011. Why wasn’t I made aware of this?!

Oh, that’s right: Because I don’t care.

In fact, I didn’t care until yesterday, after my wife and daughter returned from an all-day quest for the latest fashion trend: colored jeans. While listing all the places they searched, my wife explained how going to both Old Navy and The Gap was a waste of time since they are basically the same company, offering the same things.

My next thought illustrates why I never pursued a career in advertising…

image

My greatest childhood fear? Being bitten by a radioactive moth

(It’s Sunday and a time for reflection, unless you’re so hung over it hurts to look in the mirror. It’s also the time we dig deep into the archives during another Flashback Sunday, revisiting a column or blog post from the days back when I thought “Freshly Pressed” was a site for French press coffee snobs…)

I still live in fear of being bitten by a lame radioactive insect, like the newly discovered “Poodle Moth.” (goggles are optional)
For most of us, there comes a time in our lives when we must face the truth, and accept the fact we will never actually possess any type of super-human powers. This includes the ability to fly, shoot laser beams out of our eyes, or look good in a skin-tight costume.

As a child, I spent countless hours thumbing through comic books and dreaming of the day I would be bitten by a radioactive insect — and knowing full well that, with my luck, it would probably be something stupid like a moth:

“Curses! It’s Moth Man, here to foil my evil plans! HOW CAN I STOP HIM? Hey — maybe I’ll try this porch light…”

In fact, I was so sure that I would end up as a lame super hero that, with the help of my friends, we came up with a plan to MAKE me into “Spider-man” before there was any chance of me being bitten by a radioactive moth, ear wig, silverfish or stink bug. Continue reading My greatest childhood fear? Being bitten by a radioactive moth

This week on… The Door

Our actual door It’s Tuesday, which as we all know is like the 23rd birthday of the calendar week. Not particularly significant. It doesn’t have the distinction of being the dreaded beginning of the work week, or the catchy nickname of “Hump Day” to endear it, and no one ever exclaims: “Thank God it’s Tuesday!” For this reason, I chose to perk up Tuesdays by making it the day we highlight The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance), a piece of journalistic history here at the Siuslaw News that has had greatness thrust upon it. And while it’s rumored that other things have been thrust upon it over the years, we will be focusing on the multitude of newspaper headlines and clippings posted there by journalists since as far back as the 1970s. For loyal followers of The Door, let us repeat it’s mission statement (For added effect, say it slowly in a monotone voice):

To serve as a beacon, drawing us into the jagged rocks of journalism. Continue reading This week on… The Door

At this moment, someone might be staring at my blog

For my regular readers, and by that I don’t mean those of you who regularly have a BM at this time of the morning, you know it’s Flashback Sunday! For those of you who aren’t regular, you are probably irritable. Reading this blog may help. Sundays is when we go back into the archives and pull out some of the earliest posts, back when I thought “Freshly Pressed” was some snooty wine enthusiast blog. Today’s entry was my very first post, which also ran as a newspaper column. The subtle innuendo raised a few eyebrows. It also got me a raise because circulation jumped. I’m not sure what that says about my readership, but…

Haha! Who are we kidding! We know exactly what it says! Which reminds me to say something else:

Thank You.

And Happy Flashback Sunday… Continue reading At this moment, someone might be staring at my blog

The Matrix just reloaded itself in my email

Matrix... reloaded? As many of you know, last week I went to the printer at work, which I often do, and expected to find a copy of my potential Pulitzer-winning column on the dangers of battery-operated toilet plungers. Instead, I found a nearly blank piece of paper with the following three words:

trust and obey.

Yeah, pretty creepy.

Being a person grounded in hard journalistic reality and not prone to wild speculation, I quickly deduced it was a message from Lawrence Fishburn, trying to reach me from somewhere within the Matrix. And because many of you are also realists, the consensus was that I should prepare for my surroundings to dissolve into a series of green number codes at any moment. Continue reading The Matrix just reloaded itself in my email

Emails from readers — and why I probably need more disclaimers

Ned's Mailbox copy It’s been almost three months since I began guest posting weekly writing advice at Gliterary Girl and, as I’m sure you can imagine, my email account has been flooded with questions and feedback.

In fact, we’re going to imagine some right now…

[Insert gauzy dream sequence of Ned, sitting at his computer, thoughtfully scanning through the hundreds of emails he receives each day for male enhancement products…] Continue reading Emails from readers — and why I probably need more disclaimers

Inflatable church could have couples bouncing off the walls

100_0347 The creation of the inflatable church is without question, from a man’s perspective, the most exciting matrimonial advancement since the bachelor party because it means the fun no longer has to end the night before the wedding, somewhere in the general vicinity of a commode. That’s right, the excitement can continue the next day as the groom, flanked by his best man, bounces to the alter in his tube socks to await his blushing bride.

Because a fellow journalist friend and her sister are very close, and because I know how important it is that everything be perfect, I enthusiastically suggested the idea of an inflatable church for her sister’s wedding.

And because she knew I was really trying to help, she smiled and told me I had an inflatable head. Continue reading Inflatable church could have couples bouncing off the walls

Only REAL men can iron clothes at 3,000 feet

Today’s entry for Flashback Sunday was originally inspired by my need to reclaim my masculinity from somewhere beneath the growing pile of ironing in our home. Being that this falls under my umbrella of responsibilities, it was necessary to make it as dangerous — and therefore manly — as possible. You can be the judge as to whether it was Mission Accomplished or Mission Impossible…

To prepare for the 2013 Extreme Ironing Championships, I have begun training at the Eugene Airport. My cardio and resting heart rate have improved dramatically thanks to my running partners at airport security!
I have reached the conclusion that most of the world’s ironing is now being done by men. I say this because it’s the only explanation I have for a sport called “extreme” ironing, which is actually being lobbied as an Olympic event by “ironing enthusiasts” — a phrase referred to in the Bible as a sign of the coming apocalypse.

“And four horsemen will come from the sky. And they will lay waste to the land, but not before having their robes pressed by ironing enthusiasts.”

It’s easy to understand how extreme ironing evolved if you keep in mind this simple truth about the male species:

Given enough time, any man performing a mundane task will find a way to hurt himself.

And if you can hurt yourself doing it, then it’s practically a sport already. Sure, bowling and golf may appear to be exceptions to this rule. But ask anyone who has ever jammed their finger in the ball return, or inadvertently left a tee in their back pocket, and they’ll tell you there is plenty of danger involved. Continue reading Only REAL men can iron clothes at 3,000 feet

It’s time once again for… The Door

Our actual door copy Welcome to this week’s posting of The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance), which is brought to you live from our own newsroom door here at the Siuslaw News each Tuesday morning. We’d bring it to you Mondays except that Joe, or delivery guy, stinks up the bathroom, which is located on the other side of The Door, making the newsroom uninhabitable for most of Monday mornings. So we’ll stick with Tuesdays until Joe either retires or changes his diet.

For those of you just tuning in, it’s about TIME you got here! This is when we highlight some of the most shameful or brilliant newspaper headlines journalists here have been clipping and taping to the newsroom door since the early 1970s, back when laptops were solely for the purpose of giving wives or girlfriends a place to sit. Before we begin, we will repeat the mission statement of The Door:

“To serve as a beacon, drawing us into the jagged rocks of journalism”

Again, no one has actually ever said this, but we journalists know that adding quote marks makes it truth. Continue reading It’s time once again for… The Door