Here is an example of a typical reaction by someone receiving a copy of my book. (Couch sold separately) As a public service message, and due to a court order based on injuries sustained by a postal worker who was reading my book when he drove into the ocean after deviating from his route in Omaha, I have been asked to let you know the first copies of Humor at the Speed of Life are now arriving for unsuspecting readers who ordered their copy while intoxicated by rum-saturated fruitcake.
This means that, in addition to the possibility of a class-action lawsuit, it’s time for me to begin Phase Two of my genius promotional plan:
Gathering anonymous surveillance photos of book recipients.
This will be accomplished through a network of what I’ve been told is “The best group of undercover photographers money can buy, without exceeding a budget of $45 and various Taco Bell coupons.” Because the scope of Phase Two is growing fast, new members for this elite surveillance team are needed.
As most of you know, I am a marketing and promotional genius — at least when compared to the release of Beyonce’s latest album. In fact, my avoidance of the typical hype that surrounds a book promotion has been so effective that, until three minutes ago, even I didn’t know my book had become available at Amazon and Barnes & Noble.
Naturally, this is all part of my calculated effort as a marketing genius to appear aloof and disinterested, therefore creating such an aura of mystery about myself and the book that people can’t stop asking the question:
Do you think Chris Harrison is ever going to be The Bachelor?
This is a marketing strategy designed to build momentum over a longer period, therefore sustaining interest. In fact, if my calculations are correct — and they always are regardless of what my sixth-grade teacher said — my current rate of marketing momentum should reach full speed at some point during my eulogy. I should point out this approach is contrary to the “sudden explosion of excitement” strategy which, as we all know, often leads to a sudden drop in performance. Continue reading That time (three minutes ago) when I didn’t know my book was on Amazon
No, we didn’t hit a time warp. And no, you aren’t just waking up from a rum-induced fog caused by fruitcake vapors. It really is FRIDAY! If you’re like me, and spent most of yesterday thinking it was Monday, this probably comes as a bit of a shock. Rest assured, being a journalist, I have verified this development through rigorous research and the help of my local Starbuck’s, where I was told it is Frappe’ Friday. That means in addition to saving .50 cents on a $9 coffee drink whose name sounds like a kitten getting sick, it’s also time for Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing — or my NWOW for short. Not that my NWOW has ever been called short.
At least in terms of word count.
For those who might be visiting for the first time, I should explain this is the day I draw upon my 15 years as a columnist to offer tips that Writer’s Digest recently called “… a shining example of why some writers go on to have successful careers as plumbers…” and what Tom Clancy has described as “The antithesis of precise literary implosion.”
I don’t know what that means exactly, but hey: Tom CLANCY said it! And that’s good enough for me.
Depending on how your office Christmas party went, some of you may remember last week’s Holiday Blog Hop, hosted by Gliterary Girl Media, and how fate — in the form of a random drawing involving nearly 50 names and a wild, blindfolded squirrel named “Skippy” — meant some unfortunate soul was going to win a free copy of my new book, Humor at the Speed of Life.
I’m here to report, after completing an arduous selection process with the help of “Skippy” (followed by a brief visit to the emergency room), an unsuspecting victim a lucky winner has been selected!
What is particularly exciting is that, even after being informed of what she won, Colleen at the blog Slow Writer is still willing to accept her prize! In fact, in that dizzying moment when she received the heart-pounding news, her exact words were: “Oh, great… Wait! Isn’t there a coupon for a free Bloomin’ Onion on the back?!?” Continue reading I’m sorry, Colleen — you won a copy of my book. Can we still be friends?
The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance): Sentinel of journalistic history and guardian of our commode since 1971. There’s no need to rub your eyes or splash cold water on your face! And you, the one banging your head with a ream of copy paper: Stop that.
What you’re seeing is REAL.
That truly is The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance), which is the most important door in our two-door newsroom. Not just because it leads to the commode, but also because it displays the best and worst examples of print journalism clipped and taped there by reporters at Siuslaw News since the 1970s. We like to think of The Door as the Smithsonian of journalistic history, except with the occasional sound of flushing. As I mentioned a couple of months ago when I closed The Door after it’s year-long run as a weekly feature here, I would re-open it under the following conditions:
1) A new example of print journalism Shame, Blame or Brilliance has been deemed worthy of inclusion
And
2) Our delivery guy, “Joe,” hasn’t used the commode in at least two days
As you’ve probably guessed by now, each of these incredibly strict criteria has been met! (And if you haven’t guessed that by now, a position in Walmart security is waiting for you.) What this means is that we will be participating in an extremely rare induction ceremony for The Door, which hasn’t occurred since running out of glue sticks and adhesives in the mid 1980s. Continue reading Hold on to that knob! It’s time to revisit The Door in our newsroom
As some of you know, in addition to this blog, I’m also a contributor at a literary website called Gliterary Girl. It’s an excellent website focusing primarily on women authors, book reviews and the publishing industry. Let’s be honest: I’m not a woman — and I’m pretty sure they know this. Assuming, of course, they are aware I am posting on their website. If not, they’ll find out soon because, in addition to being the only male contributor, I am also participating in Gliterary Girl’s Holiday Blog Hop.
As 50 Shades character Anastasia Steele, would say: “I’ve never done this before, so I should probably stretch first.”
In my case, however, the only stretching required will be revealing my personal holiday wish list. This is technically a stretch for me because I haven’t made a Christmas wish list since I was 9, when I asked for a fully posable Six Million Dollar Man action figure and received, instead, a more financially prudent and fully bendable six dollar art mannequin. Continue reading Join me for a blog hop and watch me pull a muscle
Because this week’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing happens to fall on Friday the 13th, and because undisputed Master of Horror STEPHEN KING was kind enough to send in a special accolade, we’re totally skipping my normal introduction about offering writing tips based on my 15 years as a columnist (stop yawning) so we can get right to Mr. King’s unsolicited accolade regarding the value of my weekly NWOW and how a run-on sentence can get people to read an entire opening paragraph before they even know it!
Comment from THE Stephen King:
“Ned, I visit your Nickel’s Worth quiet often. And so does my LAWYER. We’ll be in touch.”
— Sincerely, Stephen King (Undisputed Master of Horror)
Wow!
With that kind of affirmation, I could end this post right there — and my lawyer agrees I probably should. But my weekly NWOW isn’t about me; it isn’t about flaunting the adoration I receive from literary giants; and it isn’t about receiving accolades. It’s about… uh…
Oh Yeah! Writing tips! Which brings us to this week’s topic:
Welcome to this week’s edition of Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, when I draw upon my 15 years as a columnist to offer pearls of wisdom which, much like pearls from an actual oyster, started off as a small irritation before natural mucus secretions created something rare and highly coveted. But don’t just take my word for it! Many of today’s most prolific authors have referred to my weekly NWOW as:
This week’s NWOW is going to be a bit of a departure because, as you can see, the shameless self promotion of my book has begun and, to be quite honest, I am discovering I have a natural God-given gift for discouraging people from buying it.
Maybe I’m too honest.
Maybe I’m not polished enough at schmoozing.
Maybe I have a subconscious desire to leap naked into a pool of lukewarm Carmel Nog coffee.
I’d like to thank the American Dental Association for sponsoring this week’s writing tip, which brings me to a startling statistic: 4-out-of-5 dentists have never recommended or even heard of this blog. The fifth dentist only heard about it when, moments after my lips went numb, I was trying to say “Ben Roethlisberger’s lob” and he thought I said “Ned’s worthless blog.” Regardless, there are many similarities between keeping a fresh feeling to your writing and avoiding gingivitis. So think of me as your “literary orthodontist” as I take you through a quick writer’s check-up. Please remember I don’t have a saliva vacuum…
Flossing:
A good dentist will tell you it’s important to floss between meals, and will demonstrate its importance by flossing for you during your visit. That’s unless he also happens to be your proctologist, in which case I’d like to welcome you to the new National Health Care Plan. Continue reading Want to keep your writing fresh? Start with regular flossing
Welcome to Ned’s Nickels Worth on Writing, a weekly feature in which I utilize my 15 years as a columnist to impart writing wisdom that 50 Shades author E.L. James has called “The inspiration for my ‘safe’ word.” Keeping that in mind (…ok, that’s enough), this week’s NWOW is special because, like a good “safe” word, it could keep you from getting spanked too hard when it comes to formulating a strong ending to your story, column, novel, latest post or current relationship.
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