Tag: satire

Please accept my preemptive apology in advance beforehand

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As the intensity of “Performance of the Year” competition at The Public Blogger increases, I’d like to apologize for some things, beginning with how infrequent my visits to other people’s blogs, websites and Facebook pages has been lately. I have a running list of posts saved to my email that keeps growing — Mollytopia, The Hook, Ross Murray, Rouged Mount, Lizzi, Rarasuar, Hasty Words, List of X, Miz Yank, She’s a Maineiac, Lipstick and Laundry, The Sisterwives, to name a few. I am looking forward to the day in a few weeks when I can sit back and spend an entire day catching up on my drinking reading all of the posts I have saved to savor later. I just wanted you to know that I’m well aware of what I’m missing, and that my absense is not an indication of disinterest or an elitist attitude.

Simply put: I’m just getting my butt kicked. Continue reading Please accept my preemptive apology in advance beforehand

That time I should’ve called for back-up when talking turkey

During this morning’s editorial meeting, I was once again given the assignment of visiting a local turkey farm to write up a special Thanksgiving piece. If it goes anything like last year’s visit, “special” isn’t really the right word. [Cue gauzy dream sequence and harp music]…

image Over the weekend, I was the victim of an unprovoked and extremely frightening turkey attack. In my defense, there were five of them (technically known as a “gang” of turkeys) involved in the assault, which started because of my proximity to a preening female turkey, which had apparently snubbed her suitors in favor of me.

Possibly because she was confused by my chicken legs.

Whatever the reason, the male turkeys didn’t take well to this and decided the best way to handle the situation was to join forces and, one by one, take turns flapping their giant wings at my [censored]. Before I knew it, I was being circled by an agitated turkey gang and wishing my editor had assigned me to something less dangerous, like covering a Blind Axe Throwers convention. Continue reading That time I should’ve called for back-up when talking turkey

Saving the world could come down to a good paint job

(I’m over at Long Awkward Pause today, just trying to save the world from annihilation…)

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Scientists and Hollywood can agree on one thing: It’s only a matter of time before the Earth is destroyed. Most likely by an asteroid. Possibly as early as this evening. That’s because scientists at the PanSTARRS observatory in Hawaii tell us astroid TB145 will have a near-miss with the Earth tonight around 5:45 p.m. (PST).

The discovery of this asteroid was made from the Panoramic Survey Telescope & Rapid Response System on Oct. 10.

That’s Oct. 10 of THIS MONTH, people!

Thanks for the heads-up, scientists! That’s plenty of time to prepare for the destruction of civilization by organizing survival kits, loading the car and then driving it off the nearest cliff. Scientists assure us that, although “relatively close” to Earth, TB145 is no real threat. Keep in mind these are the same scientists who, using the most sophisticated surveylance system on the planet, overlooked something roughly the size of the Titanic rolling through our solar system. (More at LAP)

Nowadays, the womb is no place for slackers

Unless your baby looks like this, it could be a slacker... Unless your baby looks like this, it could be a slacker…

Parents used to be satisfied with sonogram images of their child developing in the womb, even though, for all we knew, we were actually watching video footage of a school of mackerel on a depth finder.

“And if you look closely, you can see your baby … right … about … whoops! It’s gone. Something must’ve scared it.”

The doctor would then print copies of these images, which we carried in our wallets to share with family, friends, and anyone unfortunate enough to make brief eye contact. At the end of nine months, the only real expectation any of us had for our child was that they come out headfirst. Laughably, we actually felt it was enough for them to grow from a microscopic egg into a full-fledged human child within nine months.

Those babies, of course, were total slackers. Continue reading Nowadays, the womb is no place for slackers

Scariest part of Halloween? Finding costumes that don’t emotionally scar your kids

image For some of you, Halloween is an exciting time that allows you to bond with your child by making their Halloween-costume dream come true.

For the rest of us, it was a time when we crossed our fingers and prayed that our child’s “Halloween costume dream” was hanging on a rack somewhere at Walmart. Because if it wasn’t, we’d have to make something, and therefore put our child’s emotional health at risk by creating a costume that could potentially scar them for life.

After more than 30 years, I still remember my mother carefully wrapping me in layer after layer of tissue in order to turn me into a frightening replica of The Mummy — and how it took less than five minutes for a light drizzle to turn me into the considerably LESS frightening Soggy Toilet Paper Man. Things weren’t much better the following year, when I dressed-up as a pirate and missed-out on all of the good candy after spending 45 minutes with my plastic hook stuck in the car door. By the time I hit the streets all that was left were Sweet Tarts and half-opened rolls of breath mints. Continue reading Scariest part of Halloween? Finding costumes that don’t emotionally scar your kids

Where I sit in the current standings… or something like that

image With less than two hours remaining before voting closes in the third round of the Performance of the Year competition at The Public Blogger, I thought I’d share an update on where I am in the rankings — and thank you for keeping me in the top three against some stiff competition. I suppose it’s too late to add a stanza to my poem that reads:

Judges are wonderful,
judges carry our hopes,
if they score me well,
I promise to loosen their ropes.

The judges’ scoring, which accounts for 30% of our total score, hasn’t been included yet. That means, depending on how they score my poem (and judging by their initial scoring, it won’t be much), I could drop me a little further depending on how many more votes roll in before the 10 a.m. deadline.

Either way, I still feel fairly confident I’ll make it through this round somewhere IN THE TOP 7! I say that with ALL-CAPS and an EXCLAMATION point to sound CONFIDENT! Even though, as I write this, I am in a fetal position under my desk…

Just kidding! Ha!Ha! It’s really more like a cannon ball position because my desk is really small. Continue reading Where I sit in the current standings… or something like that

Roses are red, violets are blue… I’m ready to vote. How about you?

image For those of you following my pursuit of Performance of the Year, voting for round three has opened! This week, each of us has been asked to submit something out of our genre and comfort zone. I chose poetry, which is well beyond my comfort zone and borders on The Twilight Zone. Especially since I was not allowed to use any humor in writing an introstpective piece called “At The River’s Edge.”

My goal was to create something visual, relatable and rhythmic that was perfectly measured — 5-word stanzas, 5 stanzas, all adding up to an equal number (including the title and byline) which is 100. I also wanted it to be a journey, to a place and back again, finishing where it started but with a new perspective — like T.S. Elliot’s famous quote about exploring, and returning the beginning only to rediscover it.

The result of my poetic endeavor, as well as the other seven talented nominees’submmissions, are on this week’s episode of “A Star Is Born.” Last week, in addition to having the honor of becoming a finalist in this talented group of artists, I also remained in the No. 1 spot for the second straight week. Thank You ALL so much for that. This week, in addition to public voting, the competition will also include three judges whose decision also weighs in on who stays and who goes — so your votes are especially important now.

You can cast your vote between now and 10 a.m. tomorrow morning (Oct. 26). Final results — and the next nominee to be eliminated — will be revealed at noon.

Below you’ll find the link for voting. It will take you to my Facebook page first. Please “Like” the FB link (accounts for 25% of our score) and then follow it to The Public Blogger to vote (70% of our score). As I mentioned last week, even if you don’t vote for me, please DO vote. It’s a terrific group of folks who have become my friends.

And they’ll still be my friends even if I get voted out. Assuming they’ll answer my calls.

Again, my sincere and appreciative THANK YOU to all of you for helping get this far.

Now please… Vote HERE (Look for this image on my FB page)

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Tonight I’m attempting poetry for your vote; please be gentle

image For tonight’s third round of Performance of the Year competition at The Public Blogger, each of us remaining eight nominees has been asked to submit a piece in a genre outside of our comfort zone; but something we’d like to become better at. As I learned while wearing a red thong, me doing anything in a genre involving being nearly naked simply makes everyone ELSE uncomfortable. So artisticly expressive nude selfies were definitely out.

At a young age, I was inspired by the amazing imagery of T.S. Elliot. For this reason, I chose poetry. I wasn’t allowed to include humor in it, which meant I had to dig deeply. My first few attempts weren’t that great.

For examle:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Poetry is hard
See what I mean?

At any rate, I submitted my five-stanza poetry piece called “At The River’s Edge” and it will premier tonight at 7 p.m., along with the other talented nominees’ new works in areas outside of their normal genre of creativity. There will be sculpture, videos, music, paintings and song lyrics.

Incidentally, no one chose “humor writing,” by the way.

Just saying… *cough cough* Continue reading Tonight I’m attempting poetry for your vote; please be gentle

Every politician wishes they had this kind of support. And probably Dolly Parton, too.

imageThe final results for round two of voting are in for “Performance of the Year” at The Public Blogger. We aren’t told anything until the announcement shows up on each of our Facebook pages. Usually within 10 minutes after the close of voting. I was at work, drinking coffee at my desk when this showed up on my screen. Unfortunately, I was also using my coffee to wash down a rather large piece of apple fritter when it appeared.

I won’t get into the details, but take my word when I say it IS physically possible for a fritter to move through your entire nasal passage in less than seven seconds.

It’s also why I’ll be asking, “Is it just me or does everything smell like apples?” for a few days.

Once again, I am incredibly humbled and appreciative of all your support in helping me stay at the top for a second week. As most of you know, I don’t normally do awards, and I’m not really interested in competing with anyone other than myself.

And yes, armwrestling gets a little tricky. Continue reading Every politician wishes they had this kind of support. And probably Dolly Parton, too.

Hurry! Vote before Donald Trump finds out!

Don't let my offer of a grilled sirloin influence your vote at all...
Don’t let my offer of a grilled sirloin influence your vote at all…

The second round of voting for Performance of the Year has begun! You may be assuming this has something to do with my accomplishments in the bedroom…

Ok, fine. No one did.

Certainly not my wife.

Regardless, I’m joined by nine other nominees, ranging from poets to Christian hip-hop artists, who are up for the Performance of the Year award at The Public Blogger. Think of it as “The Oscars” meets “American Idol.” Except without all that confetti to clean up afterward.

Last week, in addition to having the honor of becoming a finalist in this talented group of artists, I also emerged in the No. 1 spot after the first round of public voting.

Rest assured an investigation has been launched.

The last time I was No. 1 at anything was when I finished first in the firefighter endurance competition. And by that I mean the first one to leave the event.

This week’s challenge was to submit a post on the theme of “Togetherness,” with each nominee’s submission presented tonight for public vote at The Public Blogger. You can cast your vote between 7 p.m. tonight and 10 a.m. tomorrow morning (Oct.19). Final results — and the next nominee to be eliminated — will be revealed at noon. (Please remember that I am an ugly crier.)

Below you’ll find the link for voting. It will take you to my Facebook page first. Please “Like” the FB link (accounts for 25% of our score) and then follow it to The Public Blogger to vote (70% of our score). As I mentioned last week, even if you don’t vote for me, please DO vote. It’s a terrific group of folks who have become my friends.

But if for some reason all the voting buttons become disabled except for mine, I’m sure they’d want you to vote for me…

Again, my sincere and appreciative THANK YOU to all of you for helping get this far.

Now please… Vote HERE (Look for this image on my FB page)

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