Tag: satire

Sounding off about romance with The Sisterwives

imageWhen The Sisterwives ask if you’d like to be a guest on their amazing blog, the answer is always:

“Oh yes… Yesss… YESSSSS!”

Not necessarily in that order.

So when the lovely Samara offered a chance to represent the male point of view regarding Valentine’s Day and romance, I saw it as an opportiunity to open a real dialogue between men and women. Something that could have a lasting impact. Something that could bring the sexes closer together through mutual understanding!

And something that wouldn’t be doomed to failure because we, as men, can’t stop staring at their boobs.

So, continuing the newly-established tradition of offering an audio preview of Monday’s upcoming post, I am including it here. Keep in mind the newspaper version is a bit tamer than what will appear on The Sisterwives, which mentions naked midgets and “Free Mustache Rides” t-shirts. Again, not necessarily in that order. Continue reading Sounding off about romance with The Sisterwives

Stepping back through our newsroom door

Our actual door Our newsroom has a door. But that’s not the point of this post. Over the years, this door has become more than just a way in or out, or something that occasionally gets “stuck” with our editor on the other side. It has also become a Mecca of sorts. A place where journalists since the 1970s have taped, glued, pasted or otherwise adhered (you don’t want to know) headlines that are either badly written, clever or misspelled.

It is a beacon, really, harkening us into the jagged rocks of journalism.

Since the final edition of this weekly feature was posted exactly two years ago today, nearly 3,000 folks — reluctantly, accidentally, regrettably or otherwise — have started following this blog with little or no knowledge of The Door and it’s historical significance to journalism.

Until now.

Through the month of February, I thought it would be fun revisit our newsroom door each Wednesday to highlight some of the best of the worst headlines that grace it’s simulated wood- paneled surface. Since I can’t afford to fly all of you here to see it, and because I have nixed the idea of detaching the door and sending it to each of you to see for yourselves, I’ll be coming to your homes or places of employment to show you my favorites. It will be just like having me standing there next to you with our newsroom door! Except not as creepy. Continue reading Stepping back through our newsroom door

It might be time to take a stand on sitting

image You may want to stand up before reading this. That’s because, according to a recent study published in the Annals of Internal Medicine, sitting increases your chances of premature death. And no, I’m not talking about accidentally sitting on a rattlesnake or Christian Bale’s car hood. I’m talking about the normal, everyday kind of sitting we all do — at work, in the car, at the end of a long day, while playing basketball — that a group of Toronto researchers says increases our chance of health “issues” that can lead to death.

I’m no doctor, but even I know death is a pretty serious health issue.

The report was based on analysis of 47 studies of sedentary behavior, particularly the act of sitting. “Our modern world is constructed to keep people sitting down — and it’s literally killing us,” said one researcher who now travels long distance only by Segway. “I used to take the metro but people kept offering me a seat. I think they were trying to kill me.” Continue reading It might be time to take a stand on sitting

Writers should develop a tough skin (but still remember to moisturize)

image Welcome to Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, that special day each week when I offer writing tips that Publishers’ Monthly has called, “The last word in writing advice. Or so we hope.” And what 50 Shades author E.L. James has refered to as “The inspiration for most of my safe words.”

But enough accolades!

This week’s NWOW was inspired by a good and talanted blogging friend who shall remain synonymous, so we shall call her Michelle, who experienced her first truly negative response to something she posted. The reader in question was somewhat offended by what was essentilly a lighthearted post about accidentally being seen naked by a stranger. I felt Michelle’s approach was tasteful and humorous. Regardless, the reader’s response caught her off guard and caused her to momentarily question her judgement as a writer — something that readers of this blog question every day. Continue reading Writers should develop a tough skin (but still remember to moisturize)

Sounding off about the dangers of sitting

image Last Friday, I offered a “sneak preview” audio snippet of Monday’s upcoming column/blog post. Everyone seemed to like this idea so, naturally, I got very excited and wasted no time in accidentally deleting my SoundCloud account. I went ahead and started a new account, which I plan to fill with full versions of my columns read by James Earl Jones. In the meantime, I’ll keep offering Friday “sneak preview” snippets because it’s fun.

And also, James Earl Jones still isn’t answering my calls.

Monday’s column, It Might be Time To Take a Stand on Sitting, is about a new study released from the Annals of Internal Medicine (Yes, I realize how that sounnds) that suggests sitting dramatically increases our chances of premature death, even if we exercise regularly.

And yes, I have now been standing for 78 hours. Continue reading Sounding off about the dangers of sitting

Just what we need: intoxicated cats

image As if we didn’t have enough to worry about with North Korea, ISIS and the very real threat of another Justin Bieber album, now we can add “drunken cats” to our terrorist watch list. That’s right. Because it’s not like cats didn’t already have enough attitude, right?

Thanks to Japanese manufacturer B&H Lifes, cats can now get drunk and REALLY disagreeable while drinking a new wine developed specifically for the feline palette.

According to B&H Lifes, the wine is made from a combination of Cabernet grapes and catnip, two flavors cats find irresistible — and the second of which manufacturers explain “helps cats release their inhibitions.”

Apparently cat inhibition is a big problem in Japan. Continue reading Just what we need: intoxicated cats

Ratings decline may require Oscars to get jiggy before things go wack

image As you’ve probably noticed, we have entered the annual “awards show” season, which officially began with the Golden Globe Awards, and is due to wrap up some time in April, when David Hasselhoff hosts the coveted Intoxicated Karaoke Performance Awards live from Tijuana, Mexico.

Every year, I watch at least some of these awards shows because, as a columnist, it’s important for me to keep up with cultural trends. I also watch because seeing Nicki Minaj always makes me feel better about the way I dress. However, according to a recent poll, ratings for awards shows have actually dropped. So much so that programming executives are calling it “an alarming trend.”

Personally, I think the word “alarming” is a little strong.

Coolant levels steadily leaking from a nuclear reactor — THAT’S alarming; a decline in the number of people tuning in to see how long it takes for a fight to break out at the Rapp Awards is actually pretty encouraging. The obvious reason ratings are down is because the number of awards shows is up. The entertainment industry must ask itself if it really needs The Golden Globes, The Oscars and The Peoples’ Choice Awards in order to single out Hollywood’s finest when they could just as easily save time and money by combining all three into, say…

The Peoples’ Globes Awards.

Okay, bad example (Although, it does sound like something that’s probably available on cable.) Continue reading Ratings decline may require Oscars to get jiggy before things go wack

The sound and the furry (or why my cat may kill me)

imageThose of you who have a cat, please raise your hand…

WOW! Look at those scratch marks! But we’ll get to that in a minute.

Sadly, many of you probably noticed yesterday that I didn’t post this week’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, which is when I share pearls of writing wisdom gained from 16 years as shucking a columnist.

*crickets*

Anyway, the reason was because our office server was down the entire day. That left me with some idle time, which I spent learning how to use a new sound recording app. For me, this is like calculating a trajectory to Mars. I’m not a technological thinker. In fact, even with those little symbols in our TV remote, I still get the batteries in backwards half the time and end up turning off our neighbor’s pacemaker.

So, what does any of this have to do with CATS, you ask? First, if you still have your hand raised, feel free to put it down now. Continue reading The sound and the furry (or why my cat may kill me)

Don’t worry: It’s just your toilet paper getting smaller

Evolution of toilet paper I have a friend in Atlanta who I consider an astute observer. The kind of person who is aware of even the most subtle changes in routine or appearance. Which is why it came as no surprise when I received the following e-mail from him:

I think they shrunk my toilet paper.

According to “Derf” (Note: Out of respect for his privacy I have created a fictitious name that should not be held up to a mirror), his recent purchase of Scott toilet paper seemed “more narrow than normal.”

Because many of you are probably reading this over breakfast, I will not explain how he reached this conclusion, nor will I ever be caught without two-ply toilet paper should he come to visit. What I will tell you is that, after reading about his deductive process, I felt a need to go clean my hands, which I did, by dipping them in kerosene and lighting them on fire. Continue reading Don’t worry: It’s just your toilet paper getting smaller

A catchy NASA acronym could lead to restrooms on Mars

(It’s my turn over at Long Awkward Pause today, where I was asked to give an update on NASA’s space program for 2015. What I discovered may shock you. Particularly if you’re reading this while wearing a wool sweater and corduroy pants…)

image When NASA director Dr. Charles F. Bolden Jr. said that this year’s mission selection process was the most difficult session in more than two decades, it got me thinking:

I wonder how Barbara Eden is doing?

After a quick Google search found her alive and well, a second thought crossed my mind:

What is the criteria for giving a space mission the green light nowadays, especially in this era of cutbacks? And, perhaps more importantly, how do they manage to come up with such cool acronyms for each one?

After calling the NASA hotline and engaging its new automated information system known as Orbital News History and Official Lunar Development (ONHOLD), I eventually spoke with an actual Programs Education and Research Specialist Operator for Newspapers (PERSON).

It was during this conversation that I discovered the frightening truth. For many years NASA utilized a two-step process in determining its mission programs. This process involved having someone from the automobile industry submit the name of a new sport utility vehicle — Voyager, Odyssey, Explorer, Pathfinder, Contour — then force NASA scientists and astrophysicists to design a mission to go along with it. (Continue reading…)