Tag: satire

This Just In!

image Journalism is about concrete facts. For example, did you know the first all-weather shoe was actually made of cement and worn by the Glug-Glug tribe of the West Indies, which disappeared 300 years ago while crossing a frozen lake? Blogger ddupre315 at Random Thoughts of Existance called me out on this rule after realizing my previous This Just In post failed to explain what kind of air freshener “The Voice” used to freshen up the bathroom after “Joe.”

As ddupre315 expressed, “How could you leave out an important detail in such an enthralling story? Disappointed…”

Soooooo
Tat-tat-tat-Tat-tat-tat-tat-Tat-Tat-tat-tat-Tat Continue reading This Just In!

This just in!

image Today, we begin a new feature here at Ned’s Blog called “This Just In!” which offers breaking news on strangely irrelevant moments in our newsroom. Think of it as a companion piece to The Door, except instead of looking to the past for “Shame, Blame and Brilliance,” you can experience up-to-the-minute coverage as it happens right now!

Wait…

Do you hear that? It’s an outdated tele-type machine!

TAT-tat-TAT-tat-tat-TAT-tat-tat-tat-TAT-tat-tat-tat… Continue reading This just in!

Did I miss a meeting?

Today, while conducting maintenance and inventory at our fire station, we discovered that the old “sleepers” quarters above the engine bay had been left unlocked. The room is always padlocked, so it has remained something of a mystery to our crew — until now.

Along with emergency supplies, water bottles, a dozen empty 55 gallon drums, dried food and bags of vegetable seeds, we found this:

image

It’s from the Center for Disease Control (CDC) and labeled:

Oregon Emergency Management Services: Zombie Pandemic Preparedness

Um… did I miss a meeting?

Want to be a better father? Get a bigger grill

image Sunday morning I will awaken to the sizzle of bacon and eggs, the aroma of freshly brewed coffee, and the shuffle of approaching feet as I lay in bed quietly thinking to myself:

My God, my wife is leaving me.

Then I’ll remember:

Wait — It’s Father’s Day!

It’s the day when we fathers are revered for our wisdom, patience and, in a few rare instances, our neckwear. For one whole day I’ll be the perfect father since my wife will be handling everything for me. She does this to help me relax and enjoy my special day. The problem is, it’s hard to relax when, by handling everything herself, my wife makes it clear I could be replaced by a dishwasher and a few extra power cords. Continue reading Want to be a better father? Get a bigger grill

A glimpse of the zombie apocalypse on… The Door

The Door, in all its journalistic glory, as long as no one is flushing on the other side.
The Door, in all its journalistic glory, as long as no one is flushing on the other side.
Because we’re a smaller paper, many people don’t realize the Siuslaw News was the first to break the story on an impending zombie apocalypse, as this week’s edition of The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance) will prove.

For those of you who are joining us for the first time, quite possibly because you have been preparing for the zombie hoard after seeing the people who shop at Wal-Mart after 10 p.m., The Door is an actual door in our newsroom where journalists at the Siuslaw News have been taping, tacking and, in some cases, using unidentified adhesives, to glorify the best and worst newspaper items since the 1970s. The Door is a journalist’s Mecca of sorts, to which we face each Tuesday and reverently ask The Great Editor:

How could yet let this happen?!?

Before we look upon The Door, we must follow a sacred ritual passed from generation to generation, beginning with this one, in which we join hands and repeat the following phrase in a monotoned voice similar to actors in a church youth group DVD about the virtues of abstinence:

The Door is a beacon, drawing us into the jagged rocks of journalism.

Continue reading A glimpse of the zombie apocalypse on… The Door

Shooting a country music video? Avoid the black-eyed four-step

(Though I normally post this feature at 6:30 a.m., if we keep in mind what we know about the space-time continuum, and remember that Flashback Sunday is essentially a trip back in time, the question we must ask ourselves is: Am I still running behind? Or am I actually incredibly early in an alternate universe? OR, just like throughout high school, am I fabricating an elaborate excuse for being late with my assignment? Only Stephen Hawking knows. That said, we are digging so deep into the archives this week we will need rubber gloves. As always, it is a column from a time before we knew each other — 2004 to be exact — back when I thought “Freshly Pressed” was an online clearing house for fake nails…)

image Admittedly, being a humor columnist has its privileges:

Complimentary full-body waxes.
Unsolicited fruitcake.
Tickets to the World Toilet Expo.

The list goes on.

However, occasionally I’m invited to be part of something really cool that doesn’t require shaving my entire body or sitting on a giant, revolving commode that burps. In this case, I’m talking about being on the set during the making of a music video for country singer Adam Marshall. According to Adam and his producer, after reading some of my columns, they thought it would be fun to have me write about the making of their music video, “Cowboy Hat.” As an added bonus, they created a part just for me, in which I play the pivotal role of “Crowd Member” who, according to the script: Can be replaced by a coat rack if necessary. Continue reading Shooting a country music video? Avoid the black-eyed four-step

Today’s pet care needs require cheddar cheese and a dog wrangler

image Most of us expect to begin taking medication at some point in our lives, particularly those of us with small children. What many of us don’t expect, however, is for the family dog to begin taking medication. I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure this is the first generation to actually provide dogs with things like health insurance, plastic surgery, organ transplants and dentures.

When I was a kid, our dog seemed content eating table scraps, chewing on car tires and barking at the hot water heater. Those things were referred to as character.

Now, of course, these things are referred to as a schizoid embolism requiring psychological treatment, a diet plan and regular nightly flossing. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that we shouldn’t provide our pets with the kind of health care they deserve. I’m just saying that I should have the option of being covered under my dog’s health plan, which — with its dental coverage — is far superior to my own. Continue reading Today’s pet care needs require cheddar cheese and a dog wrangler

Loosen up with the help of bio-engineered yogurt

(We’re all familiar with “Deja vu,” and maybe even “Vu daje,” which is a distinct feeling that nothing like this has ever happened before. But today, I’d like to introduce you to “Deja Where-Were-You,” which is a feeling that today’s blog post happened before, but almost no one noticed. That’s what Flashback Sunday is all about! It’s when we go back into the early archives; back when all four of my followers were related; back when my Total Views added up to less than the average weight of a female Olympic gymnast; back when I thought “Freshly Pressed” was an online newsletter for counterfeiters. The blog has come a long way since then, thanks to all of you, and including the tag “Channing Tatum” with all of my posts…)

image It’s that time again when I am faced with the difficult task of sorting through news tips sent in by readers and, after careful consideration, deciding whether to change my mailing address. Based on what I’ve received over the last several weeks, it’s clear that in the wake of events like the economic rollercoaster, the growing momentum of the presidential elections and North Korea’s recurring threat to become a nuclear power “Capable of rivaling the U.S., or at least parts of New Jersey,” there has been one subject on the minds of readers from California to Alberta, Canada. And that subject, as you’ve probably guessed, is “irregularity.”

Thanks to the many sharp-minded readers who send me the kinds of articles that the “bigger,” more “professional” news sources with “computers from this decade” and “ a staff of two or more people,” won’t cover, I have received multiple tips about an important nationwide study sponsored by the Dannon Company, which concluded residents of Orlando, Fla., are — and we’re not pointing fingers here — the most constipated Americans in the country. Continue reading Loosen up with the help of bio-engineered yogurt

I know I’m not psychic, but…

imageIn my email this morning were 15 messages from “Psychic Source” offering me 50% off their online psychic readings. If they were REALLY psychic, wouldn’t they already know I don’t want their crap?

Dear graduates: Your bedroom may already be a patio

image To this year’s graduates:
As you cross the stage to receive your diploma, remember that you’re crossing a brand new threshold in your young life. That’s because, in most cases, your parents have already arranged for the contents of your room to be hauled onto the front lawn and sold, probably during the graduation ceremony itself.

Or maybe even AT the graduation ceremony itself:

“Before we call our next graduate, I’d like to turn your attention to the roller blades I’m wearing. They, along with other items belonging to Billy Schlependorf, will be available for purchase after the ceremony in the courtyard…”

That’s right. By the time you get home, you’ll be lucky if you’re room still has the same light switch. I know this may sound harsh, but it is something that parents do out of LOVE. It’s about your parents helping you make that important transition into independence, even if it means turning your bedroom into patio space between the new hot tub and gazebo. Continue reading Dear graduates: Your bedroom may already be a patio