Larger-brained humans will only lead to race of fat-heads

A gift from a reader helps demonstrate how, if the journal Science is correct, one of these human head proportions may be accurate by the next generation. The question is, with today’s television programming, which size will it be?
As if we didn’t have enough problems already, according to a report in the journal Science the human brain is getting bigger. In fact, from what I understand (based on my in-depth analysis of a five-word headline in the New York Post), there’s a good chance yours may be outgrowing your skull right now. Signs this may be occurring include: vomiting, nausea, dizziness, frequent headaches and bleeding from the ears. If you suffer from any or all of these symptoms, DO NOT PANIC! They may only be the side effects of your current FDA-approved medication for acid reflux.

Then again, your brain might have actually gotten bigger since you started reading this column. And not just because of the sheer quality of writing — which is always a possibility (keeping in mind the same symptoms may apply.)

Before we go on, I should, as a responsible journalist, take a moment and actually read the article. In the meantime, I’d suggest applying equal amounts of pressure to both sides of your head, just to be safe.

… OK. Sorry — false alarm. Continue reading Larger-brained humans will only lead to race of fat-heads

Six pregnancy photos worth a Long Awkward Pause

Saturday mornings.

That magical time when you can finally take a deep breath, give a soul-cleansing exhale, then savor your first relaxed sip of coffee before inadvertently choking on it and spewing it on the family pet. Why is this happening? Because it’s also time for The Saturday Six, when I and the rest of the staff at Long Awkward Pause offer comments on six images which, like many families living deep in the Tennessee mountains, are loosely related and awkward. This week’s topic is awkward pregnancy photos, the first of which might’ve actually been taken from somewhere in those aforementioned mountains…

1. The Circle Of Life?

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Ned: She’s not pregnant; that’s just where the other turkey went.

Jack: This Thanksgiving, everyone will be stuffed!

Omawarisan: If he’d have just choked his turkey a few months ago…

Chris: This guy doesn’t understand the term: ‘Bun in the oven.’

(And yet… it gets even more weird. How much more? Let’s just say this photo of an expectant mother gripping a dead turkey is probably the most artful example. Don’t believe me? Then join me over to LAP…)

Your writing muse is always the last place you look

image Welcome to Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, that time each week when I rake up the scattered leaves of wisdom that have fallen from the tree of writing during my 15 years as a columnist, then offer them to you in a tightly sealed bag of literary knowledge, which happens to resemble a giant jack-o-lantern because we still haven’t used up the novelty trash bags we bought last Halloween.

It’s a weekly feature Publishers’ Digest has called “Insights every writer should know before deciding on a career in public sanitation,” and what The Master of Horror® Stephen King has heralded as “The kind of tips I would give, assuming I was still hooked on Percocet.”

But enough accolades!

When you consider that there were nine Muses in Greek mythology, you’d think finding yours would be pretty easy. In fact, I’m looking for mine right now. The Muses, as you probably know, were all extraordinarily beautiful women (remember, philosophers were all men back then), with names like Fallopia, Urethra, Tetracycline, Chlamydia, Herpes, etc., and were the daughters of mighty Zeus and the goddess of personified memory… uh, whose name escapes me. Each muse served as inspiration for different art forms, such as literature, oration, sculpture, music, Reuben sandwiches, and others. Continue reading Your writing muse is always the last place you look

Another visit from the Wienermobile leaves me feeling inadequate

Maybe it’s because I’m a man, but when I see a giant wienermobile approaching from behind in traffic, I tend to drive a little more defensively. Such was the case this morning when I noticed the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile in my rearview mirror. Though it’s been two years since the last time I was assigned to cover a big wiener (not counting election season), the sight of it immediately caused a flashback from 2012… [cue harp music and begin gauzy dream sequence…]

image After more than a decade of working in the high-pressure environment of our newsroom, where at any given moment you could find yourself surrounded by as many as two other journalists all typing at once, it takes a lot to get our adrenaline pumping. In fact, we have been at the epi-center of the national spotlight three times here in Florence. Sure, two occasions came after being singled out as having the nation’s highest rate of … (yawn) … retirees.

But the third time involved REAL explosives.

And a dead whale.

And quite possibly an unlicensed demolitions expert going through a divorce. This would explain using half a ton of dynamite to dispose of a rotting whale carcass that washed ashore, and how one onlooker literally chewed the fat after being struck by a piece if flying whale blubber. Continue reading Another visit from the Wienermobile leaves me feeling inadequate

Out of sheer frustration, I made a meme

I don’t know why, but this always chaps me: Carts left within arm’s reach of the corral. Parked 100 yards away and it’s too far to walk? I get that. Or maybe you’re an old smoker and you only have so much air left in your oxygen tank? I understand. Or possibly you’re meeting your wife at home and don’t want to waste a single second because the kids are gone until tomorrow, and walking an extra 50 feet could mean the difference between another round of “naughty airport security pat-down” or the sound of teenagers whining about dinner?

I totally understand.

But this… THIS!

You’re so close! Why not go the extra mile?

So when I saw this in the parking lot yesterday, I had to work through it by taking a photo and dealing with it in my own way…

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My rant is now officially over. Thank you for listening. And if this was you, let’s give another 10 percent and actually get that cart into the corral next time, huh? Because you’ll be the first one whining when your car gets dinged by a runaway cart.

Or runaway humor columnist…

Let’s face it, scientists: Some genes are meant to be folded

image It was 14 years ago this week that the bucardo mountain goat became extinct after a tree fell on the last of its species in northern Spain, prompting scientists to ponder the age-old question:

If a tree falls on a goat in the woods, does it make a sound?

To that end, U.S. and Spanish researchers are now collaborating to utilize cells preserved in liquid nitrogen to create the very first clone of an extinct species — beginning with the bucardo, whose scientific name is goatus stupidus. While I can appreciate the enormity of this scientific milestone, it also raises a fundamental question about our genetic science capabilities:

Should we duplicate an animal that wasn’t smart enough to avoid its own doom by moving a couple of hooves to the left? Continue reading Let’s face it, scientists: Some genes are meant to be folded

Six provocative doodles worth a Long Awkward Pause

It’s Saturday morning and time for The Saturday Six! No, that doesn’t mean a six-pack of PBR. It’s when I and the rest of the staff at Long Awkward Pause offer our thoughts on six unique items which — much like the Kardashians — are loosely related. This week’s subject? When provocative doodle-pad doodles go way wrong.

For example…

1. Doodle Provocative Ninja!

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Omawarisan: “Everything was going well. None of them looked up. Not a one. And then, I fell.”

Ned: “And night after night, as the Seven Dwarves slept, Snow White continued her double life as a blood thirsty killer within the Enchanted Forest…” — From “Snow White, The Lost Years”

Chris: One thing I have noticed is that you can’t be an out of shape ninja. Their clothes are too tight.

Jack: That reminds me, I have to take Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon back to the Redbox.

(Because “doodling” only sounds inappropriate, it’s OK to see more at LAP…)

Active descriptions are key to believable characters; Activia descriptions are not

image Around here, Fridays are reserved for my Nickel’s Worth on Writing, when I take the literary landfill of experience I’ve gained from 15 years as a newspaper columnist and break it down into handfuls of writing compost that Publisher’s Digest has called “…writing tips that are completely full of [fertilizer]…”

Or what The Master of Horror® Stephen King heralded as, “…literary soil that could bring back a dead cat…”

But enough accolades!

This two-part NWOW is about earning a reader’s trust through effective character dialogue and active description — and how earning that trust means the difference between a reader taking a leap of faith or a flying leap. Here’s a brief re-cap from the first part of this post, which focused on three forms of dialogue: Narrative dialogue, fictional dialogue based on a real person, and “real” dialogue from a fictional character… Continue reading Active descriptions are key to believable characters; Activia descriptions are not

As you might expect, I’m celebrating this milestone with a face-plant

image I know it’s Thursday, a day I don’t normally post. But WAIT! I can explain! Yes, I know I probably should’ve called first. But sometimes things happen that are out of our control. Like three pregnant Kardashians. Or when the dog rubs his butt on the carpet when we’re not home. In this case, however, what has happened is actually a happy thing. An exciting thing. And something that, for the most part, won’t leave a stain on the carpet or the next generation.

Back on June 7, this blog celebrated a milestone of picking up its 4,500th follower. After the party (My thanks to all of you for staying to help clean up, by the way), I set a goal of seeing if this blog could reach 5,000 by Aug. 16, when I turn 38 40 45

FINE Then: 48!

I felt it was a bit of a stretch, but stretching is something I’m trying to do a lot more of lately, especially since it’s getting easier to throw my back out or pull a groin muscle. Over the last several weeks, I’ve watched in amazement realizing there was a good chance I might actually make that goal. When I woke this morning and saw this blog had actually surpassed 5,000, I sprang up out of my chair and hollered “OWWWWWW!” because I had pulled a groin muscle. Continue reading As you might expect, I’m celebrating this milestone with a face-plant

In the event of a Sharknado, find the nearest catfish noodler

(This morning I’m over at Long Awkward Pause, where my assignment was to offer an informative piece on Sharknado survival. It’s a Public Service Announcement of sorts, minus the “service” part…)

Yes, Minnesota, even you have reason to fear a Sharknado.
Yes, Minnesota, even you have reason to fear a Sharknado.
We all know it’s only a matter of time before “The Big One” hits the West Coast, probably somewhere in California first because, let’s face it, they get everything first. The aftershocks will then spread north along Oregon’s coastline, which is exactly where I happen to live. I’ve prepared myself for The Big One as best I can but the truth is: How much can you really prepare for a Sharknado?

Earthquake.
Tsunami.
Volcano.

No problemo.

But you’re going to need more than a survival kit of granola bars and toilet paper when faced with a giant tornado full of hungry Great White sharks. Although the toilet paper will probably come in handy. (Read more at LAP!)