Category: Recently probed (and potentially sore) subjects

Ned’s most recent columns… Yep, that about sums it up.

How to survive having a teen driver

image As you may remember (I know State Farm does), it was a year ago this week that our son became the first of our kids to get his driver’s permit.

That leaves two more of our teens who will likely be entering the roadways over the next few years.

I’m really sorry about that.

For those of you who might be facing a similar situation, or who are now reconsidering having children at all, I’d like to offer this short video sharing a few tips with parents on how to survive having a teen driver. It’s less than two minutes but it could save your life.

Especially if you’re driving anywhere near our neighborhood…

My tips for celebrity men on how NOT to excite women

imageWe’ve all seen the images of crazed women grabbing at male celebrities like Ryan Gosling, Justin Bieber and Zac Efron.

We’ve watched the footage of a female fan clawing at Tim McGraw’s pant leg, causing him to shove her hand away in an attempt to avoid being dragged into a sea of crazed women.

As I write this, I silently nod my head in understanding.

Being that my job has kept me in the public eye for more than a decade, I have some advice for the country superstar when it comes to avoiding overzealous women trying to get their hands on you:

Become a humor columnist.

In the last 16 years, the closest I’ve come to having a strange woman grab at me was during a fundraiser dinner, when part of my pulled-pork sandwich went down the wrong way and a nurse in the audience gave me the Heimlich Maneuver.  Continue reading My tips for celebrity men on how NOT to excite women

Only embracing our common thread can keep America from unraveling

imageI generally reserve this place for humor. That’s because I believe in the power of its shared experience, and how that experience brings people together. Good humor transcends color, religion, geography, financial status or political affiliation. It’s devoid of hate and allows us to embrace a common thread woven through our humanity that we all share through laughter.

All living creatures get angry, scared, excited or worried; it’s humor that makes us human.

But there are mornings like this when being funny doesn’t feel right. The events of the past few days have spilled over from a collective cup that has been filling with a bitter brew being served during a time of unprecedented polarization within our country. We are being divided and conquered by fear — of each other, our differences, and a political landscape that inspires the worst in us instead of what defines us at our best.

And we swallow this bitter brew not because it’s what we want, but because it’s all there is.

This week’s shootings in Louisiana, Minnessota and Dallas — like Orlando — are about the kind of fear that breeds mistrust and hatred. It’s also the kind of fear that is fast becoming the oxygen within the current political atmosphere. The more of it we breathe, the more it permeates us, coursing through our life blood and into our hearts until that fear we breathe is what sustains us.  Continue reading Only embracing our common thread can keep America from unraveling

When your quiet morning turns into ‘Top Gun’

imageI’m not much of a flier.

And by “not much of a flier,” I mean whenever there’s the slightest bump on the plane, I start saying the Rosary and sobbing to my wife how much she has meant to me. Once we leave the runway it gets even worse. I’m just one of those people who doesn’t believe man was meant to leave the ground. To be honest, I’m not even sure about trampolines.

So the fact that the air show was in town this weekend completely slipped my mind.

At least until the fly-bys started around 7:45 a.m.

My wife and I are both early risers, so we had just settled in for a quiet morning on the patio. Just us, a lazy stretch of sun, our coffees… and a WWII fighter plane screaming over the house. For the next hour it sounded like we were under attack by a deranged fighter pilot. Possibly “chasing his father’s ghost” in an effort to be better than his old man. In the cockpit, he called upon another ghost — that of his wingman.

“Talk to me Goose.”

Don’t do it, Mav.

I suddenly realized my morning had turned into Top Gun…

 

 

Looking for some fireworks ideas? These won’t help

image Except for those living in Missouri, where the only fireworks restriction is a requirement that all skyrockets exceeding the length of a standard boat trailer be flagged during transport, most Americans have watched their Independence Day fireworks excitement dwindle from first-strike capability through the 1990s, to today’s wimpy sparklers and fountains with spark-spitting action equal to…

Ummm…

…lighting a pencil on fire?

Americans age 30 and older remember having sparklers so bright they could see them through their eyelids. The bravest kids would spin them like propellers, showering crackling embers everywhere and knowing full well their eyebrows would grow back by September. Continue reading Looking for some fireworks ideas? These won’t help

Hey! It’s Canada Day today, eh?

I have a LOT of Canadian friends.

Well, several at least.

Definitely a few (You know who you are, even if you don’t want others to know.) This morning, my wife pointed out that today is Canada Day! Why she knew this remains unclear. However, the important thing is it reminded us to apply for dual citizenship before November. Last year on A Star is Born, I had the opportunity to learn a lot about Canada during a round of competition that focused on the international community. I chose Canada because of its cultural diversity, great humor, something called “poutine,” and because it’s within driving distance.

Given that today is Canada Day, I’d like to offer this tribute to the Canadian people, many of whom are already preparing for American refugees in November…

The “Nedinator” special anniversary edition no one asked for

image A year ago today, hundreds of people tragically lost their eyesight as a result seeing me in a red thong for my role in “The Nedinator,” a 6-minute movie spoof that premiered in our local theater the same night as “The Terminator: Genysis.”

The movie was heralded by critics as “Ned’s best 6-minute performance.”

And my wife agrees.

For anyone who started following this blog after June last year, and who has wondered why there are so many references in the comments section about my red thong, rest assured you haven’t stumbled into a hive a kinky people. This is where it started. And, thanks to a court order siting “codes of human decency,” also where it ended.

The story behind the mini-movie is a long one, and is just as drama-filled as any Hollywood production — except with less silicone, money, sex, tantrums, Perrier, etc.

So, to celebrate the one-year anniversary…

Actually, “celebrate” might be a bit strong. How about “commemorate?” Like when there’s a tragedy?  Continue reading The “Nedinator” special anniversary edition no one asked for

A year ago today: Officially the strangest 15 minutes of my life

imageA year ago next Wednesday, the infamous “Terminator” spoof “The Nedinator” shocked the world! Or at least those who came to the premier at our local movie theater and witnessed me in a red thong on the big screen for 17 seconds.

Fortunately for everyone, we didn’t have the budget to make it in 3D.

To mark the anniversary, I’m putting together a Special Boxed Set Edition (at least in blogging terms) for next week.

In the meantime, this post from a year ago today explains how and why it all got started, just as I explained it to James Cameron’s lawyers…  Continue reading A year ago today: Officially the strangest 15 minutes of my life

Warning to Watsonville: This week, I’ll be eating all your fruit

Spring Break Road Sign with Dramatic Clouds and Sky

Over the years, my editor has offered to send me to many places. Usually in a raised voice. And often to a destination that is physically impossible for anyone who isn’t a skilled contortionist.

However, maybe it’s because of the unusually good weather we’re having in Oregon (not raining), or that she’s going on vacation soon, or possibly because there’s been another mix-up between her blood-pressure medicine and someone else’s painkillers.

Whatever the reason, she has given me the “thumbs up” to visit Watsonville, Calif., this week. Naturally, this was exciting news! At least once I got over the creepiness of her actually giving me a “thumbs up” sign.  Continue reading Warning to Watsonville: This week, I’ll be eating all your fruit

If you’re a writer without a rejection letter, you’re doing something wrong

imageI have a file full of rejection notes and letters from editors and publishing houses. Many are for my column when I was first starting out.

Others are in response to a murder mystery I wrote back in the late 1990s.

And one is from Miss October 1978.

In spite of the negative connotation a rejection letter conjures up in the mind of most authors — fine, every author — don’t overlook the more important aspects of what it represents.

To begin with, it means you’ve completed a written work. Given a choice between writing a 500-word essay or being tased in the buttocks, the average person would rather drop their pants than pick up a pen. The fact that you aren’t rubbing a bruised rear means you are a writer (Depending on your genre, of course). No number of rejection letters changes that. Regardless of whether its a 400-page novel or an 800-word opinion piece, you have honed and polished your words to the point you are ready to send it out to the world, either in the form of sample chapters, a query or by pushing the “publish” button on your blog or website.  Continue reading If you’re a writer without a rejection letter, you’re doing something wrong