Category: Recently probed (and potentially sore) subjects

Ned’s most recent columns… Yep, that about sums it up.

It takes manliness to crawl under the house, even if you’re screaming

imageThere comes a time in every man’s life when he must set an example for his son by crawling under the house to fix something. This must be done with apparent fearlessness even though he knows whatever needs fixing is going to be located in the darkest corner of the home’s underbelly, probably behind a spider web the size of a commercial fishing net.

Several years ago, I used plywood to seal up the underside of our home and stop what I suspected were nightly “rave” parties hosted by our cat. These parties generally started around 11:30 p.m. and were held directly beneath our bedroom floor, where it sounded like 20 cats playing Twister. Naturally, I had no choice but to break up these parties by getting out of bed and shoving our 60-lb. Labrador headfirst through the crawl space in our closet floor.

My point is this: Sealing things up stopped the cat parties. Unfortunately, it also turned the crawl space under our home into a frightening black void where, thanks to evolution, a species of hairy, sightless, spider-like rodents with large fangs and the ability to mobilize telepathically has nested, colonizing into the hundreds.

Possibly even thousands.

I know this because I’ve shined a flashlight down there and — this is not an exaggeration — I’m pretty sure I saw something move.  Continue reading It takes manliness to crawl under the house, even if you’re screaming

I’m not exactly sure when “sexy” happened

imageI’ve seen a lot of strange things on Facebook;

Cats doing chin-ups.

A naked guy playing flaming bagpipes while riding a unicycle.

Kanye West.

But a few days ago, as I was scrolling through my Facebook notifications, I was tagged in a post with 35 others who had been listed as “The Neighborhood’s Sexiest Men.” I stared at it for a moment then, naturally, decided to restart my iPad.

Something was clearly wrong, like that time Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” started playing on my laptop and wouldn’t stop until the battery ran out.

I wasn’t about to re-live that nightmare again.

That’s when my wife came in and pointed to the same link, which she shared to her Facebook page with the comment, “Yep. That’s my HUSBAND!”  Continue reading I’m not exactly sure when “sexy” happened

But on a serious note, it’s National Hamburger Month

imageIf you’re a vegetarian or any other type of non-meat-eater, I’d like to start this column by saying I realize National Hamburger Month isn’t for everyone. Then again, May also happens to be National Salad Month — and no one here is passing any judgements on you for that. So I hope we can all approach May with tolerance and understanding in regard to each other’s lifestyle choice in eating preferences.

Although let’s be honest; mine is better because it has bacon on it.

Most people don’t know that hamburgers have actually been around since the time of Genghis Khan, whose riders would shove pieces of meat under their saddles to create minced meat patties through the combination of heat and friction while riding. In fact, historians speculate Khan’s empire may not have spread so quickly had he preferred his burgers rare instead of well done. But that’s just a theory. It’s also worth noting that one rider began adding carrots and onions to the meat under his saddle during longer distances to create the first rump roast.

Ok fine, I made that last part up.  Continue reading But on a serious note, it’s National Hamburger Month

This photo shoot has left me feeling a little shellfish

imageIn my younger days, while working through kitchens in the Deep South to become a chef, I shucked a lot of oysters. Probably thousands. Honestly, it was a crazy shucking time in my life. But while I used plenty of oysters for cooking, I also flung my share onto people during fake sneezes, or while pretending to cough up something.

Often they would ask, “What are you, a shucking comedian?”

Looking back now, I guess it’s no surprise I eventually traded my chef’s knives for a humor columnist’s keyboard.

So the irony wasn’t lost on me when, nearly 20 years after becoming a columnist, I found myself standing in front of a camera posing with a freshly shucked oyster. Anyone who reads this blog on a regular basis knows that stranger things have happened to me. In this case, however, it wasn’t on a security tape or just a really bad attempt at a sexy selfie for my wife. It was for the cover of my new book coming out in September:

Pearls of Writing Wisdom: (From 16 years as a shucking columnist).

Obviously, the title demanded an oyster be on the cover. Mostly because of the Oysters Union. In fact, the only reason I’m on the cover at all is because someone had to hold the demanding little crustacean in the proper light. I had no idea the photographer, Joshua Greene, was shooting us both. In fact, the only input I had was on deciding whether to have it open or closed. After debating the merits of both, I finally just said, “shuck it” and popped it open.  Continue reading This photo shoot has left me feeling a little shellfish

What an escaped hamster taught me about crisis management

imageWhen you find yourself force-feeding Pepto Bismol into your child’s constipated hamster, you figure you’ve faced one of your greatest challenges as a parent. In fact, over the years, it has become the measuring stick by which all family crisis is measured:

“He backed the car into a tree? Well, I suppose it’s still better than dealing with a constipated hamster…”

In fact, the only crisis that has come close — appropriately enough — involved the same hamster. It was a moment that began with a simple statement from my daughter.

“Dad, I can’t find Squiggles.”

Those words, uttered just three nights after the constipation incident, transformed a quiet Wednesday evening into a full-scale hamster hunt. Within minutes, our team was assembled around the kitchen table for a briefing.

“There’s no telling how long he’s been on the outside,” I said. “There’s a good chance he’s already assumed a new identity — perhaps as a mouse or gerbil. Keep you eyes open.”  Continue reading What an escaped hamster taught me about crisis management

I swear I had nothing to do with this

Does this look like the face of a guilty person?
Does this look like the face of a guilty person?

We all make mistakes:

Drying boxer briefs in the microwave

Bathing your cat.

Kanye West.

But when it happens in a newspaper, it’s like taking that same mistake and repeating it, say… 15,000 times… then handing it out to people to make sure they saw it. Such was the case in our latest newspaper issue, which included a full-paged ad promoting the biggest event our small town hosts each year — and has been for the last 109 years: The Florence Rhododendron Festival. Our small town swells (it’s a swell town) from 8,500 to 18,000 for four days each May, culminating with the West Coast’s second-largest floral parade next to the Rose Parade. It also brings about 300 bikers to town.

No one knows why.  Continue reading I swear I had nothing to do with this

Grab your streamers, we’re bringing May Day back!

imageSomewhere, lost between the risen Lord of Easter Sunday and the more laid-back Dos Equis guy of Cinco de Mayo, is the Roman flower goddess Flora, who used to reign supreme as THE party icon this time of year.

Nowadays, any May Pole dancing is purely coincidental, at strip clubs, with the only reference to Flora the flower goddess being dancers named “Daisy.” How did a celebration dating back before Jesus somehow get lost in the shuffle between Easter eggs and Mexican beer bottles?

Even when I was a kid, which I’d like to point out was well after the resurrection and as recent as the 1970s A.D., I remember dancing around the sixth-grade May Pole and savoring the opportunity to hold hands with Sara Getlost as she cried out in springtime rapture, “Ewww! Ewww! Your hands are SWEATY! Ewww!”

It’s that kind of wild, springtime ecstasy that May Day and the goddess Flora were all about.  Continue reading Grab your streamers, we’re bringing May Day back!

Can you believe it? They’re letting me publish another book

imageAfter taking a good look at this photo, I know what most of you are probably thinking:

His real name is Edward? Hahahaha!

But don’t forget, there is an entire generation of Twilight babies out there named Edward.

Or Jacob. And man, do those Jacob babies have some freakishly developed abs.

However, the real point of this post is to share with you that, this morning, I officially signed a contract with Port Hole Publishing for my second book, Pearls of Writing Wisdom from 16 Shucking Years as a Columnist. This is an important step beyond what had previously been me unofficially talking about my soon-to-be-published book with strangers, sipping directly from a vodka bottle while hunched over an empty bowl of peanuts at the bar. It also means that in order to meet my September publication date, I need to get the finished manuscript to my publisher by mid June.

So…

Gotta Go!

 

Just kidding. It’s not that bad.  Continue reading Can you believe it? They’re letting me publish another book

There’s something I’ve been meming to tell you

imageMemes.

They are the Superbowl commercials of our daily lives, offering a moment of laughter or introspection without the obligation of remembering who made them. The word “meme” became part of my vocabulary about six months ago, thanks to my teenagers, who are constantly enhancing my life with important terminology. Without them, I would be the Fred Flintstone of social media living in a world of The Jetsons, texting “Yabba Dabba Doo!” with my thick thumbs only to have it auto-corrected to “Abba Dances Too!”

I would be alone in the cyberworld. A man on a deserted social media island. Out of touch. Except for the Abba spam.

But fortunately my kids keep me plugged in and — when it comes to what’s trending — on the cutting edge. Sure, if we’re being honest it’s an edge that needs sharpening. That’s what I have my teenagers for! And yes, they sometimes (i.e., more often than not) regret keeping Dad in the loop with what’s trending. For example, when the “Damn, Daniel!” vines and memes went viral, my kids shared them with me — which got me thinking:

What if Daniel had been Danny LaRusso from “Karate Kid” instead?  Continue reading There’s something I’ve been meming to tell you

Ashes to ashes, dust to… Hey, not so fast!

imageThis summer I’ll turn 50.

There. I said it.

The truth is, I haven’t given it much thought because I don’t feel 50. Sure, there are some days I roll out of bed, walk to the bathroom and realize the creaking and popping sounds I hear aren’t coming from the floorboards. And yes, I’ve noticed when I’m cleaning out my razor it looks like someone used it to shave our neighbor’s grey Schnauzer. But most days I throw on a rocker T-shirt or slim-fit dress shirt, leave it untucked over my jeans, lace up my superhero Vans or hiking boots and am on my way.

Then I rush back in for a second trip to the rest room.

But still… I’m technically on my way.

However, over the last several months I’ve started getting reminders from society’s collective data bank that I am getting older. The first came in my email back in January, when I got one of those Singles Looking for Love In Your Area! messages. I’ve received many of these over the years, and they always include the image of an attractive 30-something woman in a sun dress laughing with an equally attractive 30-something man as they sip wine on a beach at sunset.

Not anymore.  Continue reading Ashes to ashes, dust to… Hey, not so fast!