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Ned’s most recent columns… Yep, that about sums it up.
Can life be the same with less bacon in it?
The thing I hate most about doctors — not counting proctologists — is that they’re always trying to tell you HOW TO LIVE!
For example: “Ned, unless you lower your blood pressure, you’re going to die.”
The nerve!
Though I’m well within my optimum weight range (190 lbs.) for my age (48) and height (6’1″), am active and have a relatively low-stress lifestyle (when our three teens aren’t home), my blood pressure is still high.
Apparently, it’s something that runs in my family. Which is ironic considering my family isn’t known for running.
Anywhere.
Because I don’t really need to lose weight and my heart sounds fine, my doctor has started me on a very mild dose of blood pressure medicine. “Just take 10 milligrams each morning at breakfast,” he said.
“Can I wrap it in bacon first? Ha! Ha!” I joked.
Well, mostly. Continue reading Can life be the same with less bacon in it?
40 years ago this week, “Jaws” made a bed-wetter out of me
I was a few weeks short of my ninth birthday when Jaws premiered in our local theater. Even though I wasn’t old enough to see it, that didn’t keep us from sneaking into the darkened cinema to experience a movie that prolonged the bed-wetting experience by at least two years. Though I lived in Redondo Beach at the time, I was never a big fan of being on — or in — the ocean. To me, the sea was like a bees’ nest; naturally beautiful and the keeper of deliciousness, but I wasn’t going to stick my hand inside.
In the years since then, “Jaws” has become one of my favorite movies — an example of masterful storytelling by Steven Spielberg that is as engrossing today as it was 40 years ago. While I could identify most with Roy Scheider’s “Chief Brody,” it was Robert Shaw’s portrayal of “Quint” the shark hunter that I have come to appreciate the most — and whose telling of the “delivery of the bomb” still mesmerizes me every time. Continue reading 40 years ago this week, “Jaws” made a bed-wetter out of me
Father’s Day gift ideas you can swear by. And so will Dad
Just like Kanye West’s next public outburst, Father’s Day will be here before we know it. That means Dad will once again be wearing new underwear and smelling like he’s been attacked by a cologne salesman (who, in self defense, Dad likely strangled with his new paisley tie.) This year, why not break from tradition and do something special by letting Dad keep his multiple-exit underwear and, instead, give him something he really wants?
Like, say… bacon-scented body wash?
That’s right. As a service to fathers, I have assemble a short list of alternative gift ideas for Dad over at Long Awkward Pause. These are gifts that say how much you care about him even though, apparently, the Consumer Products Safety Commission does not.
Before we start, let me assure you that all of the items are:
1) Real products.
2) Created by people whose primary heat source — I’m guessing — is a bong.
Some come join me at Long Awkward Pause by clicking HERE!
Having trouble? HERE works, too!
Want to boost your daughter’s self image? Don’t go for bust
When I first read about Jenna Franklin, the British girl whose parents are giving her $8,000 breast implants for her 16th birthday, I was shocked by the notion of a father willing to be part of anything that would make his teenaged daughter more enticing to teenaged boys.
Looking ahead to my own daughter’s sweet 16, I’ve begun saving up for a special birthday ensemble that includes sheet-metal pants and a turtleneck sweater made of chain-link. And possibly a make-up kit to go with it, depending on whether she wears her metal visor up or down.
I have no doubt my daughter will thank me later for adding a degree of difficulty to the courtship process, which will eliminate those who aren’t persistent.
Or, at the very least, those without a blow torch.
While Franklin’s parents say their “gift” is meant to boost their daughter’s self esteem, I don’t think going for bust is the answer. Even though Kay and Martin Franklin are cosmetic surgeons themselves, and say they only want the breast for their daughter, they have to see how the need for self-image “improvements” won’t end there. Continue reading Want to boost your daughter’s self image? Don’t go for bust
Graduates, don’t look back… because your old room is already a hot tub
(Hi, you’ve reached Ned’s Blog. I’m not here right now because I’m over at Long Awkward Pause today, dispensing my sage advice to graduates. Or was that rosemary? Anyway, come on over if you have thyme…)
To this year’s high school graduates:
As you cross the stage to receive your diploma, remember that you’re crossing a brand new threshold in your young life. That’s because, in most cases, your parents have already arranged for the contents of your room to be hauled onto the front lawn and sold, probably during the graduation ceremony itself.
Or maybe even at the graduation ceremony itself:
“Before we call our next graduate, I’d like to turn your attention to the roller blades I’m wearing. They, along with other items belonging to Jeffery Schlopendorf, will be available for purchase after the ceremony in the courtyard.”
That’s right; by the time you get home, you’ll be lucky if you’re room still has the same light switch. I know this may sound harsh, but it is something that parents do out of LOVE. It’s about your parents helping you make that important transition into independence, even if it means turning your bedroom into patio space between the new hot tub and gazebo. (More at Long Awkward Pause HERE)
Stressed at the office? Try my 25-second self-help DubSmash video
As I’m sure you can imagine, working in the newsroom of a small-town newspaper — where there could be as many as three people all typing simultaneously — can be extremely stressful. Especially when we all send something to the printer at once.
Over the last 16 years, I have developed a coping mechanism to help deal with this pressure-cooker environment. It’s fast, effective and doesn’t require a yoga mat, punching bag or medication. Because I know many of you deal with the same kinds of pressures at your own jobs, and because my editor has left for vacation, I took it upon myself to create a short, self-help video utilizing DubSmash to demonstrate my technique and help others.
Results may vary…
Do YOU have a special technique for dealing with work-related stress? (NOTE: Something other than getting fired…)
Have anger issues? Don’t beat yourself up over it
Hello and welcome to a special edition of our in-depth medical feature Health Yak. Today we will be discussing a study that suggests as many as 16 million Americans — or roughly the number of people who never receive their appetizers during an average season of Hell’s Kitchen — suffer from periodic outbursts of anger.
I know what you’re thinking: What makes this different from a typical outburst of anger, like when I open the air vent in my car and release a cloud of spores the size of shiitake mushrooms?
The answer, of course, is that there is no difference. At least not until someone funds a clinical study, at which point it becomes an official “disorder” treatable by a new drug with minor side effects, such as having your liver grow to the size of Shaquille O’Neal’s seat cushion. Continue reading Have anger issues? Don’t beat yourself up over it
Finding the meaning in little flags
It’s been 14 years since I introduced my oldest daughter to the meaning of Memorial Day. She was seven then, but I still remember the short gusts of warm wind on my neck, the earthy smell of the fresh-cut grass, and the hushed snap of small American flags standing like sentries next to dozens of tombstones along the hillside.
“How come some of them have little flags, and some don’t?” my daughter asked.
It was near sunset as we strolled through our local cemetery. Though we didn’t have any family members buried there, I thought it would be a good opportunity to explain the meaning of Memorial Day to her.
“Do you know what war is?” I asked.
“When people fight,” she answered, then clarified herself; “A whole bunch of
people.”
“That’s right, but do you know why they fight?”
She thought a moment, then shook her head. Continue reading Finding the meaning in little flags
Finally, my town is known for something other than exploding whales
Being that my family and I live in a coastal town, we are privy to a run of grey whales passing by on their way to and from the gulf of Mexico twice a year. Whether this migration is the result of natural instincts or male whales refusing to ask for directions is unclear. What I do know is that our small town of Florence, Ore., recieved national attention back in 1970, when a whale caracass washed up on a nearby beach. Though tourism skyrocketed during the first few days, that began to change as
nature took its course and a two-mile radius began to smell like a port-o-potty at an outdoor sushi convention.
City officials were suddenly faced with two crucial questions:
1) How to dispose of tons of rotting whale as quickly as possible?
And
2) Would the “I Had a Whale of a Time in Florence” T-shirts arrive it in time? Continue reading Finally, my town is known for something other than exploding whales
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