One of the biggest mistakes in my life? The time I quit writing

image Hello and welcome to what Modern Blogger Magazine has called “The Most Popular Weekly Feature on the Internet, at least on Fridays, for sites named Ned’s Blog, and not counting porn sites with the same name.” I’m obviously VERY excited about this distinction! Although, not being one of those sites, my excitement is a little more discreet. Not to say my excitement isn’t enormous! It’s actually huge!

Wait… this isn’t coming out right at all. I just mean that if you could see me right now, you’d know I’m very happy… DANG IT! I’m going to quit while I’m a head.

Anyway, for those who might be visiting for the first time, assuming you are still reading after that opening, my Nickel’s Worth on Writing is that day each week when I take insights gained through 15 years as a newspaper columnist and offer them up, much like a sampler platter at Applebee’s, except without one of those mysterious extra crispy French fries mixed in with your chicken strips. In fact, my NWOW has been mentioned by best-selling author John Grisham as “The first place I go when I need ideas for new lawsuit stories.”

High praise indeed! But enough with the accolades! Continue reading One of the biggest mistakes in my life? The time I quit writing

Before you buy that Christmas gift, ask Mr. Knowitall

image Since last month’s introduction of Mr. Knowitall, who is our resident historian, economist, food critic, movie reviewer, foreign affairs consultant, science correspondent, consumer products expert and vending machine repairman (not necessarily in that order), many of you have written in seeking advice about holiday gift-giving.

Due to the enormous volume of email we received, they will be answered through a lottery-style process — which means that, until he wins the lottery, Mr. Knowitall will continue to answer your questions.

So let us begin. Continue reading Before you buy that Christmas gift, ask Mr. Knowitall

Hold on to that knob! It’s time to revisit The Door in our newsroom

The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance): Sentinel of journalistic history and guardian of our commode since 1971.
The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance): Sentinel of journalistic history and guardian of our commode since 1971.
There’s no need to rub your eyes or splash cold water on your face! And you, the one banging your head with a ream of copy paper: Stop that.

What you’re seeing is REAL.

That truly is The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance), which is the most important door in our two-door newsroom. Not just because it leads to the commode, but also because it displays the best and worst examples of print journalism clipped and taped there by reporters at Siuslaw News since the 1970s. We like to think of The Door as the Smithsonian of journalistic history, except with the occasional sound of flushing. As I mentioned a couple of months ago when I closed The Door after it’s year-long run as a weekly feature here, I would re-open it under the following conditions:

1) A new example of print journalism Shame, Blame or Brilliance has been deemed worthy of inclusion

And

2) Our delivery guy, “Joe,” hasn’t used the commode in at least two days

As you’ve probably guessed by now, each of these incredibly strict criteria has been met! (And if you haven’t guessed that by now, a position in Walmart security is waiting for you.) What this means is that we will be participating in an extremely rare induction ceremony for The Door, which hasn’t occurred since running out of glue sticks and adhesives in the mid 1980s. Continue reading Hold on to that knob! It’s time to revisit The Door in our newsroom

Join me for a blog hop and watch me pull a muscle

image As some of you know, in addition to this blog, I’m also a contributor at a literary website called Gliterary Girl. It’s an excellent website focusing primarily on women authors, book reviews and the publishing industry. Let’s be honest: I’m not a woman — and I’m pretty sure they know this. Assuming, of course, they are aware I am posting on their website. If not, they’ll find out soon because, in addition to being the only male contributor, I am also participating in Gliterary Girl’s Holiday Blog Hop.

As 50 Shades character Anastasia Steele, would say: “I’ve never done this before, so I should probably stretch first.”

In my case, however, the only stretching required will be revealing my personal holiday wish list. This is technically a stretch for me because I haven’t made a Christmas wish list since I was 9, when I asked for a fully posable Six Million Dollar Man action figure and received, instead, a more financially prudent and fully bendable six dollar art mannequin. Continue reading Join me for a blog hop and watch me pull a muscle

Men are from NAPA, women are from Macy’s

(Around here, Sundays are reserved for sleeping in and breakfast cooked by our private chef. At least until the kids bang on the door at 7 a.m., waking me from this dream and demanding pancakes. It’s also a day reserved for Flashbacks, when I, figuratively speaking, serve up something from the distant past, much like a late Sunday night at Denny’s, except without the risk of food poisoning…)

Men don't like shopping If you want to observe the difference between men and women at its purest form, study their shopping habits. With the holiday buying season now officially under way, there’s no better time to witness this phenomenon for yourself.

Here’s a brief study guide to get you started.
Women:
a) Define an outfit as something comprised of at least three pieces of clothing, all of which are interchangeable and flattering.
b) Have researched the best buys and know where there’s a sale today.
c) Are undecided about whether or not a drop-waist makes them look fat.
d) Will try on all clothes within arm’s reach of the fitting room.

Men:
a) Define an outfit as something comprised of jeans. And maybe a fishing lure.
b) Have researched today’s game schedule on ESPN and know they can get to the store and back during halftime.
c) Are undecided about how to answer when their wives ask if a drop-waist makes them look fat.
d) Won’t get within arm’s reach of the fitting room. Continue reading Men are from NAPA, women are from Macy’s

If you can’t find time to write, then MAKE time — or I swear I’ll send you a fruitcake!

image Because this week’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing happens to fall on Friday the 13th, and because undisputed Master of Horror STEPHEN KING was kind enough to send in a special accolade, we’re totally skipping my normal introduction about offering writing tips based on my 15 years as a columnist (stop yawning) so we can get right to Mr. King’s unsolicited accolade regarding the value of my weekly NWOW and how a run-on sentence can get people to read an entire opening paragraph before they even know it!

Comment from THE Stephen King:

“Ned, I visit your Nickel’s Worth quiet often. And so does my LAWYER. We’ll be in touch.”

— Sincerely, Stephen King (Undisputed Master of Horror)

Wow!

With that kind of affirmation, I could end this post right there — and my lawyer agrees I probably should. But my weekly NWOW isn’t about me; it isn’t about flaunting the adoration I receive from literary giants; and it isn’t about receiving accolades. It’s about… uh…

Oh Yeah! Writing tips! Which brings us to this week’s topic:

Find Make time to write — or I swear I’ll send you a fruitcake! Continue reading If you can’t find time to write, then MAKE time — or I swear I’ll send you a fruitcake!

Okay, so maybe fruitcake doesn’t threaten humanity… but it’s still fruitcake

image Journalism can be a dangerous profession, even for those of us who never actually leave our desk unless a “situation” develops, such as the sudden and unprovoked arrival of free donuts. On several occasions, I have found myself in harm’s way as a dozen employees stampeded into the break room (which, according to the Fire Marshal, has a “maximum occupancy level of two, as long as no one is using the commode.”) It is at those times, while being crushed between fellow employees grappling for the last maple bar, that I am reminded of just how dangerous my job can be.

But it doesn’t end there.

No.

Not for those of us with the courage to SPEAK OUT against what is wrong with the world. Or, in my case, what is wrong with fruitcake.

As you may remember (and judging by the number of fruitcakes that have been appearing on my desk, at my home or through the window of my car, many of you do), it was last year around this time that I drew the wrath of fruitcake lovers everywhere after suggesting that untold numbers of people (source: Fox News) suffer from Fruitcake Disposal Anxiety Disorder. Continue reading Okay, so maybe fruitcake doesn’t threaten humanity… but it’s still fruitcake

… This Just In …

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…TAT-tat-tat-TAT-TAT-tat-tat-TAT…

[Breaking News: from another strangely irrelevant moment in our newsroom…]

There’s a reason the term “deadline” starts with “dead,” and not something like “fun,” “happy” or “coke.” Deadline days are stressful. Which is why some conversations with my editor end up like this… Continue reading … This Just In …

Sorry I’m running late, but I have a burning excuse (no, it’s not that kind of burning)

"Are you on your way to a fire or something?!" YES, actually...
“Are you on your way to a fire or something?!” Well — YES, actually…!
Normally, this space would be reserved for The Box. Then again, I don’t normally get tapped out for a fire first thing in the morning; usually those calls come in the middle of the night when I have to pee, forcing me to hold my full bladder while spraying 125 lbs. of water pressure through a nozzle. And although I don’t have an excuse from my mother, I do have this video captured by our station captain who, although out with a knee injury, hobbled to the scene from his house down the street.

That, my friends, is dedication. And a lot of Demerol. He’s the one doing the narration while talking to a bystander. I love the pride in his voice. Or, perhaps once again, that’s the Demerol talking… Continue reading Sorry I’m running late, but I have a burning excuse (no, it’s not that kind of burning)

… This Just In …

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…TAT-tat-tat-TAT-TAT-tat-tat-TAT…

[Breaking News: from another strangely irrelevant moment in our newsroom…]

Because we here at Siuslaw News understand the importance and value of investing in journalism’s future, we feel the need — no, the obligation — to invest in that future by vigorously supporting free labor from high school interns. We like to think of it as a crash course that puts students on the road to a career in journalism. But after this morning, I think “collision course” is a better way to put it… Continue reading … This Just In …