Tag: Culture

Your investments are safe, thanks to me and other financial dunderheads

image Given the state of today’s economy, it’s hard to know who to trust when it comes to investing your money. You could trust ME of course, but that would mean giving your money to someone whose greatest return on an investment came when I accidentally got a 75-cent candy bar out of a vending machine using only two quarters.

The truth is, I know absolutely nothing about the financial marketplace. This is why I currently do not own any stocks, bonds, treasury bills, money market accounts or, for that matter, any actual money. However, it’s because of this — and what the White House calls my “unique financial perspective” — that I was asked to join the Presidential Advisory Board on Corporate Fraud, where our motto is:

For every dirty business we wipe out, there’s somebody taking a bath.

It’s our job to sift through literally thousands of highly complex financial reports sent in by America’s corporations, and then analyze each one for signs of fraudulent activity. You may be wondering how someone like myself — with the financial IQ of a Rhesus monkey — could possibly hope to find ANY sign of shenanigans somewhere in the complicated maze of bookkeeping ledgers, profit statements, and Hooters receipts. Continue reading Your investments are safe, thanks to me and other financial dunderheads

Breaking news from my booth at the book fair!

As I mentioned yesterday, I am at the Festival of Books here on the Oregon coast, stirring up a level of excitement over my book that fair organizers have called a frenzy “similar to a Peaches and Herb concert…”

Doing my best to keep a handle on the pandemonium.
Doing my best to keep a handle on the pandemonium.

Kids coloring books that will give you a Long Awkward Pause

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Not me! That’s because I’m with the rest of the staff over at Long Awkward Pause for this week’s Saturday Six — which is when each of us comments on six strange but loosely related things. Sort of like the Brady kids. This week’s subject? Corrupted coloring books…

1. Fire Ant?

cbook1

Omawarisan: Dermatologists recommend a wide brimmed hat and sunscreen that is at least SPF 35.

List of X: I still have no idea what color is Burnt Umber, but at least now I know what color Burned Ant is.

BrainRants: Perfectly illustrates the twisted relationship between ants and magnifying glasses. A+

Ned: Maybe next time he’ll have the decency to wear some clothes and hide that third antenna.

(Trust me, it gets weirder. So bring your Crayons and meet me for more at Long Awkward Pause…)

Never had food poisoning? Make sure to thank a humor columnist today

In observance of National Columnists Day, I’m running a post from a few years ago that I feel captures the essence of what it means to be a humor columnist, and why it’s a good idea to keep a current Food Handler’s Card available…

image Being a journalist, I naturally have journalist friends who, whenever we get together, want to talk about (yawn) heady issues facing the nation and the world. This is done in a discussion format similar to “Meet the Press,” except that our debates are often interrupted by someone’s beer getting knocked over.

Aside from that, it’s just like the show on TV.

As you can imagine, our exchanges get pretty heated as each of us presents an important topic of debate:

What is our stance on the Middle East?

Should we overhaul social security?

How do we deal with North Korea?

Or, as I challenged:

Why does the new Bugs Bunny look like he’s been shooting steroids with Jose Canseco?

That’s usually when our debate comes to a screeching halt and I’m forced, once again, to defend my journalistic integrity by explaining the value of what I do, then underscoring it by offering to pay for everyone’s beer. Continue reading Never had food poisoning? Make sure to thank a humor columnist today

Forget meteors and zombies — Giant rabbits are world’s biggest threat

image As a journalist, I’m trained to recognize the most subtle signs of trouble:

A misspoken word.

A reluctant glance.

A horde of slobbering rabbits.

Thanks to my training and experience, and several highlighted newspaper clippings sent in by concerned readers, I have painstakingly pieced together what I, as a member of the conservative media, believe is undeniable evidence that rabbits are planning to take over the world.

How?

By radiating themselves and producing offspring roughly the size of Volkswagen Beatles. Continue reading Forget meteors and zombies — Giant rabbits are world’s biggest threat

It’s official: Everyone wants to be cool

(What am I doing posting on a Thursday? It’s my turn over at Long Awkward Pause and the excitement is tangible! Or maybe it’s just arrhythmia…)

George Clooney supports the "Speak Up: Save the Mimes" project and SO DO I!
George Clooney supports the “Speak Up: Save the Mimes” project and SO DO I!
A recent poll conducted by the staff at Long Awkward Pause suggests that a whopping 95 percent of Americans (living within a one-block radius of LAP headquarters) either want to be — or already consider themselves to be — really cool. And not just because of their proximity to our office. I should point out that the other five percent are moving somewhere else because they are “tired of being asked stupid questions.”

Still, unless you’re a government contractor, the numbers don’t lie. And based on the results of this small but accurate representation of America, it’s clear everyone wants to be cool. In today’s social-media driven world, that means keeping up with and joining the latest causes trending on Facebook, Twitter, Tumbler Pinterest, MySpace, posted in laundromats, etc.

Hey, anything that raises awareness on important issues is a good thing! Everyone agrees on that! (At least everyone within a one-block radius). The problem is that the coolness-by-association factor that comes with supporting an issue is becoming more important than the issue itself. Especially when there’s a celebrity involved… (Read more by joining me at LAP!)

Once the food in your refrigerator becomes self aware, no one is safe

People often get us confused because we look so much alike, but Sean is on the right.
People often get us confused because we look so much alike, but Sean is on the right.
As a tribute to my friend and fellow firefighter who is officially retiring today after 25 years, I’d like to offer this story from a few years ago as a testament to his bravery, dedication and complete lack of refrigerator cleanliness skills. Though I’ll miss having him on the nozzle when the flames are showing, I find comfort knowing he can turn his attention to serving the community in other ways, such as cleaning out his fridge more often to prevent another attack from self-aware gravy.

Thank you for your service, your mentorship and for being my friend.

But seriously, Sean — you really need to watch it with the food spores…

_____________________________________________________________

Admittedly, the closest I have been to an actual military “hot zone” was when, on a grey August day in 1977, my Cub Scout troop was deployed to sell candy on the same block as the Girl Scouts. Our prime objective was Hilltop Road, which was a critical strategic vector. At least in terms of foot traffic. Because our troop transport had overheated in the Carl’s Jr. drive-thru, the Girl Scouts had already claimed the high ground next to a busy movie theater. Outnumbered and without tactical advantage, we implemented our most effective defensive strategy, which was to form a tight perimeter directly behind 220-pound Billy Schlependorf. Continue reading Once the food in your refrigerator becomes self aware, no one is safe

As tans fade for Oregonians, risk of being mistaken for corpse increases

image Before long, those of us who live here in the great Northwest are going to change. And when I say “change,” I don’t mean for the betterment of mankind. I mean from a healthy tan to having a skin tone similar to tofu. That’s because, in a matter of weeks, the only sunshine we’ll see for the next six months is going to be on Bachelor in Paradise. For Oregonians, this is the time of year when we cover our firewood, weatherproof the house, and promise to stay in touch with new friends made during the summer who, by late October, have decided to move back to El Ranchito, Calif.

But for those who stick it out (or those without four-wheel drive who are simply stuck), it means finding an alternative to the sun so that we can retain at least some semblance of a tan. And let me just say that it has absolutely nothing to do with vanity. It does, however, have everything to do with a collective fear shared by all Oregonians — which is of drinking too many cocktails on a flight to Portland, passing out, missing the connection, then getting buried alive after being mistaken for a corpse by a Miami Customs official.

Hey, it could happen. Continue reading As tans fade for Oregonians, risk of being mistaken for corpse increases

Six pizza-inspired inventions worth a Long Awkward Pause

Like every Saturday, I’m over at Long Awkward Pause with the rest of the gang making comments about The Saturday Six, which is a collection of six weird images that are related by theme. Sometimes even by blood. Although to keep our PG-rating, we stopped accepting family portraits sent from Alabama. This week’s theme is pizza-inspired inventions, such as in this first example…

1. Pizza Cup Keyboard!

 

image

 BrainRants: Not pictured with beer… disapproved.

Omawarisan: Is there an option for Sicilian pizza?

Ned: I wonder how many times I’d stick my thumbs into the pizza trying to hit the space bar?

(Would you like more examples of deep-dish crazy? We’ll even throw in free breadsticks! Then join me for another slice over at Long Awkward Pause…)

Consequences you can expect from horrible pick-up lines

image I’ve been ridiculously happily married for almost 10 years now, so the singles bar scene is a long-forgotten memory. Or maybe just a deeply repressed one. At least it was until yesterday, when a friend came to town and invited me out for a quick beer. As we began catching up over Dos Equis, we couldn’t help but overhear a series of pick-up lines being exchanged by a group of 20-somethings who — at least in their minds, and thanks to several happy-hour pilsners each — had assembled a list of clever lines no woman could resist. Assuming, of course, the women in question were all desperate to gain U.S. Citizenship.

As a service to single men everywhere, and in particular to that group of 20-somethings once they’ve sobered up, I felt obligated to jot down some of those horrible pick-up lines and explain — through a “trial” and “error” format — what they can expect should the words actually leave their mouths in the general direction of an actual living female, intoxicated or otherwise. Continue reading Consequences you can expect from horrible pick-up lines