Tag: funny

Weird manicures that will give you a Long Awkward Pause

It’s Saturday! That means I’m with the rest of the staff over at Long Awkward Pause for this week’s Saturday Six, which is a collection of items (…yep, six of them) that are awkward and loosely related. How awkward and loosely related? Let’s just say if the S6 were adoptable children, even Brad and Angelina wouldn’t take them in.

This week’s topic: Painted nails that will make you cuddle your cuticles for comfort…

1. Edward Scissornails

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BrainRants: I approve of this because Edward Scissorhands is creepy, and creepy shit is awesome.

Omawarisan: How do you use toilet paper if you’ve got Edward Scissornails?

Jack: It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye – because you went to brush your hair out of your face and you have 9 minature scissors on your fingertips.

Ned: Edward Scissorhands or not, it seems to me these nails would make it hard to trim your bush.

(In the mood for a One Direction manicure yet? No? See how you feel after seeing these next examples at Long Awkward Pause…)

Parenting teens is easy once you embrace being an embarrassment

My son really hates it when I call for a price check.
My son really hates it when I call for a price check.

Everyone with teenagers please raise your free hand. And by “free” hand, I mean whichever hand isn’t either guarding your wallet or refrigerator door. For parents without a free hand because you are guarding both, don’t worry; we can see it in your eyes. It’s that blank, pleading stare recognized and shared by all parents with teenagers.

It’s a look that says, If not for over-the-counter medication and America’s Got Talent, I would curl into a fetal position until my kids turn 20.

Part of what makes raising teens so challenging, aside from mood swings that would frighten both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, is the lengths parents will go to avoid doing things their teen views as “totally embarrassing,” such as breathing while in the presence of someone they might know from school. Or making eye contact with them anywhere outside of the home. Or referring to them as “Pookie” or “Scooter” while standing in line with other parents and teens during school registration. (Read more at Long Awkward Pause…)

It’s my 500th post but I swear: I don’t feel a day over 499 posts

Where the magic happens. Or so I keep telling my editor...
Where the magic happens. Or so I keep telling my editor…
In addition to the wild excitement my weekly Nickel’s Worth on Writing usually generates… (See? Did you feel that?) … this week’s NWOW has the added distinction of being [cue pocket drum machine] my 500th post!

WHOA LADIES! Keep those tops ON!

You too, sir.

Since pushing the “publish” button on my first post about two years ago, more than 62,000 people have stopped in at some point — mostly while Google searching “monkey butts” or “Cheeto Clog” — and 5,250 of you decided to stay. I am very thankful for that and a little surprised, especially considering there are no Cheeto-clogged monkey butts anywhere on this blog. I’ve looked. And so has PETA.

Also over that same period, I’ve shared more than 50 weekly acorns of NWOW writing insights gathered through 15 years as a newspaper columnist tending the tree of literary wisdom — all of which I am currently squirreling away into an eBook that Publisher’s Digest has already predicted will be “…writing tips that are nuts.” Continue reading It’s my 500th post but I swear: I don’t feel a day over 499 posts

Potty train your child using the Jedi Knight method

image As I sat reading an article about the new Star Wars Trilogy now in production, I suddenly had an epiphany: Potty training our children had been a lot like training young Jedi Knights!

This prompted me to devise a what I am calling the Jedi Potty-Training Program — something that is spiritual, aggressive and, hopefully, a lot less messy than the old-fashioned method of staring at your child until they make a face that looks like they are having a BM, then racing them to the commode.

Because of our subject matter’s explicit nature, we will be using GALACTIC terms during this discussion. Whenever you see this special GALACTIC font style, you’ll know that I’m JUST MESSING WITH YOU.

Ha Ha! No, that font means that it’s important enough to justify wielding my special GALACTIC font-making powers as a way to highlight the fact that I’m BEING SUED BY GEORGE LUCUS. Continue reading Potty train your child using the Jedi Knight method

Six attempts to catch the sun worth a Long Awkward Pause

It’s Saturday, and that means I’m over at Long Awkward Pause! Why? Because they have great coffee! Actually, that’s not entirely true. We don’t even have a coffeemaker. But there IS a Starbuck’s across the street, and Chris doesn’t know we have his wallet, so… Free Mochaccinos for everyone! While we’re there, each of us at LAP will be commenting on The Saturday Six, which are six related images that are just plain awkward — like all of my yearbook photos. This week’s subject? When you go onto the Internet asking for help Photoshopping the sun between your fingers like this guy did, be prepared for anything under the sun — as long as it’s not between your fingers…

1. Not Quite What I Had In Mind

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BrainRants: I approve – looks like some shit straight out of a Monty Python opener.

Ned: “And the Suns win it with a field goal!”

Omawarisan: I don’t think the one on the right is a finger.

Jack: Technically this is what he asked for, he has no reason to complain.

singlegirlie: Is that Jon Hamm and Tommy Lee nude sunbathing on the other side of those trees?

(Trust me, it gets much worse. How much worse? Join me for five more examples at Long Awkward Pause by pinching here!)

Six reasons cats deserve a Long Awkward Pause

Hello! You’ve reached Ned Hickson at Ned’s Blog. I’m not here right now because I’m with the rest of the staff at Long Awkward Pause for The Saturday Six, commenting on six items which — like a family-run truck stop in the Ozarks — are awkward and loosely related. This week’s topic? Those annoying pictures of cats copying humans! The NERVE!

For example…

1. The Nutcracker

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Omawarisan: Both the cat and the guy display considerable skill by getting their bodies into this position. I could not do it. Perhaps what I mean by that is that I could not find a good reason to do it.

Ned: I actually performed a similar move once, when I tried running through a sprinkler while carrying an actual cat. By the time I was done getting scratched, I had about the same amount of clothing left, too.

Chris: I could get into that position easily. Getting out of it is another story.

Calahan: Ah, the infamous invisible tug o’war of 2011 between Mr. Six Pack Abby and Mr. Tabby. I lost a lot of money on that game. I had fake my own death for insurance money.

(Love cats? Hate cats? Cat got your tongue? That’s ok! Fancy Feast your eyes on five more awkward copy cats by joining me over at… LAP!)

Six provocative doodles worth a Long Awkward Pause

It’s Saturday morning and time for The Saturday Six! No, that doesn’t mean a six-pack of PBR. It’s when I and the rest of the staff at Long Awkward Pause offer our thoughts on six unique items which — much like the Kardashians — are loosely related. This week’s subject? When provocative doodle-pad doodles go way wrong.

For example…

1. Doodle Provocative Ninja!

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Omawarisan: “Everything was going well. None of them looked up. Not a one. And then, I fell.”

Ned: “And night after night, as the Seven Dwarves slept, Snow White continued her double life as a blood thirsty killer within the Enchanted Forest…” — From “Snow White, The Lost Years”

Chris: One thing I have noticed is that you can’t be an out of shape ninja. Their clothes are too tight.

Jack: That reminds me, I have to take Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon back to the Redbox.

(Because “doodling” only sounds inappropriate, it’s OK to see more at LAP…)

In the event of a Sharknado, find the nearest catfish noodler

(This morning I’m over at Long Awkward Pause, where my assignment was to offer an informative piece on Sharknado survival. It’s a Public Service Announcement of sorts, minus the “service” part…)

Yes, Minnesota, even you have reason to fear a Sharknado.
Yes, Minnesota, even you have reason to fear a Sharknado.
We all know it’s only a matter of time before “The Big One” hits the West Coast, probably somewhere in California first because, let’s face it, they get everything first. The aftershocks will then spread north along Oregon’s coastline, which is exactly where I happen to live. I’ve prepared myself for The Big One as best I can but the truth is: How much can you really prepare for a Sharknado?

Earthquake.
Tsunami.
Volcano.

No problemo.

But you’re going to need more than a survival kit of granola bars and toilet paper when faced with a giant tornado full of hungry Great White sharks. Although the toilet paper will probably come in handy. (Read more at LAP!)

Six headlines worth a Long Awkward Pause

As some of you know, I spend Saturday mornings chiming in on the Saturday Six with the rest of the staff at Long Awkward Pause. You can think of it as Hollywood Squares, except with everyone crammed into the middle square. And speaking of awkward, I’m getting a little uncomfortable with where Adam and Chris’s hands keep ending up. Anyway, the subject of this week’s Saturday Six is “WTF Headlines”, which is something I’m familiar with as a newspaper journalist. For example:

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Calahan – She then donated the reward money she received for finding herself to someone chosen randomly out of the phonebook. That was her, too!

Chris – Woman 1: Who are we looking for? Woman 2: You. Woman 1: Oh, have you tried my cell phone? Woman 2: Yes, it says your lost. Woman 1: That’s weird, I don’t feel lost.

Katie – Crashing your own search party? Even I have better manners than that.

Ned: One month later, she is abducted by a serial killer but is able to sneak a call to the police from the back of his windowless van. “Officer O’Reilly speaking. Who is this? Oh, JENNIFER WELLS! What is it THIS time? Psychopath got you tied up in his van?” *makes jerking off motion* “Oh sure, Jen. We’ll get right on that!” — click…

Omawarisan – Everyone loves a good party.

BREAKING NEWS! Join me and the rest of the LAP staff for five more WTF Headlines here…

Six state laws that will give you a Long Awkward Pause

It’s Saturday! That means I’m with the rest of the staff at Long Awkward Pause for the Saturday Six, which is a collection of strangeness made even more strange by our comments. Think of it as a six-pack of Yoo-Hoo with several Red Bull chasers. This week’s topic? Bizarre state laws that make you wonder if any of us are really safe from our local congressmen — even if you aren’t an intern. Our first weird state law comes from New Jersey, where apparently it is a misdemeanor to: Frown at a police officer…

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Omawarisan: …or the governor.

Chris: Or the couch you will be sleeping on after frowning at your wife for getting a speeding ticket.

Ned: Please send bail money, Chris and Adam. I should’ve read this before I left for Hoboken.

(Want to know which state lets you shoot whales, but only from your car? [Hint: It’s not Kansas]. Then follow me over to LAP!…)