I have to say, the selection process went extremely well for this first edition of The Box.
(In an entirely unrelated matter, if anyone is interested we are seeking a new intern.)
Now, let’s get to this week’s photo… Continue reading Another random moment from “The Box” of unclaimed photos
It’s no wonder The Door has become a journalistic Mecca, capturing the attention of well-known reporters like Barbara Walters (“The Door offers a pureness to journalism I haven’t seen since Anderson Cooper’s booty”), Morley Safer (“Do people still use ditto machines?”), Keith Morrison (“No one knows what seeeeecrets hide behind The Dooooor, especially if someone has flushhhhed”), Geraldo Rivera (“My sources have confirmed Al Capone once used The Door.”), and Anderson Cooper (“Unless it’s a closet door, I’m not interested — and can someone please tell Barbara Walters to stop looking at my butt?”) Continue reading It’s time to close… The Door. So let’s open… The Box!
…TAT-tat-tat-TAT-TAT-tat-tat-TAT…
[Breaking News: from another strangely irrelevant moment in our newsroom…]
Coming back from lunch, I walked into the newsroom to find a fellow journalist and three individuals in mid-interview. As I took my seat across the room, I felt my blood run cold as I overheard their accusations about the nightmare scenario our government shutdown is leading to.
“Dear GOD!” I said, sending my chair against the wall as I stood. “How can this happen here?! In AMERICA?!? Men being sterilized in processing plants! We have to tell people!”
After an awkward silence, one of the individuals exchanged glances with the rest of the group. “Um, we’re talking about MAIL sterilizing and processing plants, not male sterilizing plants.”
Sometimes, there’s no graceful way to exit a room…
As I’m sure you can imagine, being a humor columnist, I am constantly working up a sweat. In fact, I can already feel perspiration forming. By the end of this paragraph, I will be a drippy, sweat-stained mess. Most people don’t know it can take hours to finish a column. The reason has nothing to do with procrastination, writer’s block or even the ability to Google history of Star Wars universe; many of us humor columnists simply become too sweaty to operate our keyboards without sliding off and potentially endangering ourselves and others. Newsrooms everywhere understand this, which is why we are often placed in special cubicles that are refrigerated.
Or at the very least equipped with a drain pan.
Yet somehow, beverage companies continue to overlook us as potential thirst-quenching icons when developing trendy ad campaigns. Chances are, you’ll never see a commercial featuring a humor columnist at a keyboard with green Gatorade streaming out of every pore in his body. Or witness a humor columnist emerge from a droplet of Propel fitness water and do a back flip out of an office chair (which we often do, by the way, sometimes for no reason at all.) That’s because our segment of the beverage-buying market is considered too small to worry about, even though, as analysts have shown, it is a powerful one, at least in terms of odor. Continue reading What says ‘thirsty’ better than a sweaty humor columnist?
While things are quiet here at Siuslaw News for now, it’s only a matter of time before the governmental play date between the democrats and republicans ends, and media interest in The Door resumes. First-time readers of this weekly feature are probably asking, “What IS The Door?” and “Why would there be so much interest in it?” and perhaps the most frequently asked question: “How did I even get ON this site?” Continue reading Suffering from postal identity crisis on… The Door
Because of this kind of intense pressure, I was forced to leave the newsroom and post this week’s edition of The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance) after business hours and away from the office at an undisclosed bar location.
Why the sudden resurgence in media attention? I mean in addition to the fact that The Door is home to the best and worst examples of journalism since reporters at Siuslaw News began taping clippings to The Door nearly four decades ago in an effort to preserve journalistic history while simultaneously insulating the bathroom door?
For the same reason Barbara Walters left a threatening message calling me a “Diswespectful Wittle Bwat” on my voicemail: Because word got out that today is going to be special. Continue reading Media fervor intensifies over new addition to… The Door
…TAT-tat-tat-TAT-TAT-tat-tat-TAT…
[Breaking News: from another strangely irrelevant moment in our newsroom…]
“Who is that behind you? Jesus?” my editor asked, noticing my son’s artwork from several years ago on the wall behind me.
“No, it’s George Lucas,” I replied. “You can raise and lower him with this little tab in the back.”
I demonstrated the Amazing Ascension Action! capability of my son’s art piece. Continue reading … This Just In …
Yes, things are quiet here; the calm before the storm.
I say that because today’s post will likely put me in the crosshairs of one of the most powerful men this country has ever purposely been made to forget about. In fact, his systematic disappearance after leaving the White House was so complete that I can’t even remember where I was going with this…
Wait! I remember, thanks to this newspaper clipping, which illustrates the importance of The Door, and why journalistic icon Geraldo Rivera has called it “The Al Capone’s Vault of journalistic treasures. No really, I MEAN it this time!” and why rearviewed… oops, I mean revered… journalist Anderson Cooper has referred to The Door as “A revealing look at journalism, depending on who comes out of the commode.” Continue reading After today, Dick Cheney will probably blow up… The Door
Around here, Sunday mornings are for re-living the past. Not in a Shirley Maclaine past-life kind of way, where we talk about cleaning King Henry’s chamber pots or being a samurai who hated sushi. No, we’re talking about Flashback Sunday, when we dig into the archives and pull random newspaper columns or posts from the distant past, back when the followers of this blog could all fit at our breakfast table. And did each morning before school. (Warning: This week’s Flashback includes strong graphic elements, such as the accompanying image of my actual legs in high heels…)
That’s because they were all trying on high heeled shoes, some of which were so towering that a special negotiator had to be called in to talk them down. These women apparently loved high heels so much that, once they discovered they couldn’t afford them, chose to end it all by unstrapping their Stilettos and leaping headfirst into the bargain table. Continue reading Most men will never have to butcher a cow while wearing high heels
And as it turns out, all 358 emails were from NBC Dateline’s Keith Morrison who, like countless other television correspondents, is seeking an exclusive to The Door in our newsroom. It was actually Misty who made the realization that Morrison was behind all the emails when, while checking our general voicemail box, she heard the message: Just checking to see if you got all the eeeemails I sent. This is an anonymous call by the wayyyyy.
“Hey,” said Misty, “isn’t that the creepy guy from Dateline Mysteries?”
So as it stands, The Door remains safe from Morrison, as well as Barbara Walters, Geraldo Rivera, Morley Safer and Anderson Cooper, each of whom has taken a crack at getting the exclusive to what Diane Sawyer described as “An awe-inspiring body of journalism… which reminds me, where’s Chris Cuomo?” Continue reading Keith Morrison, Barbara Walters and others continue to seek… The Door
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