Tag: life

Who knew navigating heavy traffic meant being in the right hemisphere?

image Welcome to this week’s edition of Post Traumatic Sunday, which are all posts involving my ex-wife. None of them have appeared on this blog before, and only a couple were included in my book. Though none of these posts will be mean-spirited or vindictive, it’s easy to recognize I was someone coping with an unhappy marriage through humor. Eight years later, I am happily re-married (ridiculously so) and inspired to write — and laugh — for the right reasons.

Finally, we can all laugh together…

* * * * * *

It’s a well-known fact that men and women think differently. This is because of the right and left hemispheres of the brain. While women tend to rely on the more creative, right hemisphere of the brain, which is responsible for verbal skills and abstract thoughts, men favor the more technical left side of the brain, which is mainly reserved for thoughts of sports and beer. Continue reading Who knew navigating heavy traffic meant being in the right hemisphere?

Don’t do as I drink (and other lessons my father unintentionally taught me)

Yep, that's me, learning about the dangers of smoking .
Yep, that’s me, learning about the dangers of smoking .

I come from a long line of alcoholics. Truth be told, the roots of my family tree are probably located in a beer garden.

For this reason, I was determined to break the cycle and be the first member of my family to remember most of his 20s and 30s, not develop a beer gut and actually know who all of my kids are.

I was genuinely frightened of carrying a gene I assumed had its own alcohol content — which is why I didn’t crack open my first beer until I was 20; in a moment of weakness; working under the blistering Texas sun; because there was no water or soda; and I had just read about spontaneous human combustion. Continue reading Don’t do as I drink (and other lessons my father unintentionally taught me)

The night my rump was roasted — a hindsight retrospective

Ellen and her friends Tweeting at my book signing.
Ellen and her friends Tweeting at my book signing.
Welcome to Ned’s Nickel’s Worth On Writing, a weekly feature that Publisher’s Weekly has called:

“A complete…time.”
And
“(Not a)…waste…”

Or as The Master of Horror® Stephen King calls it, “My lawyer’s first stop every morning.”

But enough with the accolades! For those who might be visiting for the first time, I’d like to welcome you! I’d also like a note from your mother explaining where you’ve been. Please have it by next Friday. Or like my kids, just wait, knowing I’ll probably have forgotten by then. Although I do eventually remember who they are. Continue reading The night my rump was roasted — a hindsight retrospective

I can explain…

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Many of those who followed my live coverage of the Oscars on Sunday night have been asking how I managed to post insider reports as they happened while remaining at home in my pajamas, and nowhere near Hollywood. And until this photo was leaked on Twitter, I had no intention of revealing my secret. However, in light of this recent development, I feel the need to explain. Continue reading I can explain…

Photo from The Box reveals link to Harry Potter, Hunger Games

"Skippy" the rabid, blindfolded squirrel.
“Skippy” the rabid, blindfolded squirrel.

Every office has its odd ball. You know, that member who’s just a little different from the rest of the staff? Our editorial room at Siuslaw News is no exception. It’s just that our odd ball happens to be a rabid, blindfolded squirrel named “Skippy.” But like every odd ball, he is uniquely qualified to perform a certain function that no one can do quite as well. Which is why, in spite of the risk of being attacked and bitten, I continue working with our editor; because she has the final say on keeping Skippy.

What is Skippy’s function? To assist me each Tuesday in choosing a random photo from The Box, which is a collection of unclaimed and unidentified photos in our newsroom dating back to the 1980s. The selection process begins with me dumping the contents of The Box onto the floor of our newsroom after my fellow reporters are deep in thought (drooling on their keyboards). To assure that the selection process is completely random, I then yell “RELEASE THE SQUIRREL!” and let Skippy loose in the newsroom. The photo closest to the first reporter to scream — whether it be a man or woman — is chosen. Continue reading Photo from The Box reveals link to Harry Potter, Hunger Games

Choosing room colors with your spouse? Start with neutral corners

image For those who were expecting to find my weekly Flashback Sunday this morning, I apologize if, by not being here, it has upset you. Or possibly the space-time continuum — in which case we’ll all be upset soon enough. But just like my missing assignment in Mrs. Flunkem’s fifth-grade class, I have a good excuse. Although this one doesn’t include a vortex swallowing my homework and several of my socks (which I figured my Mom could attest to as a way to bolster my story [And no, it didn’t work]). The reason for this morning’s absence of Flashback Sunday isn’t really an excuse as much as a decision to take this feature in a new direction I’m calling:

Post Traumatic Sunday. Continue reading Choosing room colors with your spouse? Start with neutral corners

Some Oscars have already been awarded — not that anyone cares

(As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I was recently convicted of asked to be an accessory to a staff contributor at Long Awkward Pause. Here’s this week’s incriminating evidence post…)

image HOLLYWOOD (sort of) — As excitement over the much-anticipated glitz and glamour of this Sunday’s Academy Awards builds throughout Hollywood, Oscar winners for Technical Achievement were the first to bask in the spotlight during an equally prestigious awards ceremony held last night at a lavishly decorated Blockbuster Video warehouse in Culver City. The evening began with nominees arriving in style aboard rented school bus shuttles adorned with banners reading “On To State The Oscars!” Like a major Hollywood premier, beams of light criss-crossed the night sky as unemployed SAG members waved flashlights to keep shuttles out of the KFC parking lot across the street.

“These members of the Academy deserve to be recognized for their achievements,” Academy president Cheryl Boone Isaacs said during a phone interview. “And just because we don’t know what they do exactly, or who they are, doesn’t mean their night should be any less special. Or held during the actual Oscars ceremony.”

Upon arrival, nominees stepped from their shuttles and onto the red carpet, where camera flashes erupted amid a frenzy of selfies. One overzealous autograph seeker had to be led away as he frantically waved a piece of paper, screaming, “Whose paying for these busses!” (Continue Reading…)

Aggressive NBA fan behavior diffused by sock puppets

image Like many of you, I’ve watched in utter disbelief as NBA fans have begun attacking players more frequently, often by throwing beverages. Whenever I see this, I can’t help but ask:

How can any self-respecting sports fan allow himself to be seen on national television, in front of millions of viewers, wasting a seven-dollar beer?

Somewhere along the way we’ve forgotten that sporting events are supposed to inspire the best in us — an ideal that professional athletes remind us can only be achieved through hard work, sacrifice and the purchase of sneakers so expensive they require short-term financing. It’s hard to know exactly why angry sports fans have gotten out of control, but in the words of Italian soccer star Fabio Perfecto, “I hope it never happens in my country.” Continue reading Aggressive NBA fan behavior diffused by sock puppets

I admit it: I’m not sure why I dressed up for a radio interview

image As I mentioned last Friday, I spent most of the morning preparing for a radio interview with NPR (National Public Radio) affiliate KLCC 89.7 FM. Because this was my first radio interview that didn’t include screaming with thousands of other people in a basketball stadium, I wanted it to go well. And because of my inexperience, I spent too much of that time deciding what to wear. Fortunately for me, Music, Arts and Culture host Eric Alan realized this and, as only a true professional can do, calmed my nerves by telling me I wasn’t Suzy Bogguss.

Or more specifically, that he had just finished interviewing the famed country/blue grass singer, and she was already sounding a lot funnier than me.

Okay fine, he didn’t say that exactly, but he did interview Suzy Bogguss, who he described as “delightful,” “engaging” and “unwilling to give me her phone number.” Continue reading I admit it: I’m not sure why I dressed up for a radio interview

Sorry everyone, I owe you all a Nickel’s Worth

image Much like the “perfect storm” that led to my pole-dancing fail earlier this week, I’m about to perform another face-plant — in literary terms at least (which is kind of good because, to be honest, I don’t think my nose could take another actual face-plant.) The good news is that an NPR affiliate in Eugene, Ore., radio station KLCC, wants to interview me about the book. A radio spot is a perfect venue for me because, well… C’mon, you’ve seen what I look like! This means doing some preparation before Monday morning.

And by “preparation,” I mean for the interview. Not my face; that would take more than a weekend. Continue reading Sorry everyone, I owe you all a Nickel’s Worth