Tag: satire

Today, I’m at my wife’s mercy… and that’s OK with me

image As many of you know, I’ve spent the last seven weeks competing for “Perfomer of the year” at The Public Blogger.

As many of you also know, I’m crazy in love with my wife.

Today, the two come together.

That’s because my wife, along with family members of fellow nominees Rebecca Lemke and Oscar Alejandro Plascencia, were asked to submit their own video presentations as part of Round VIII: Imitation of Life.

I have no idea what my wife will be submitting on my behalf. All I know is that she does NOT have access to any of my red thong footage. I also know that I love and trust her implicitly. And that, as far as I can remember, she’s not mad at me about anything. Continue reading Today, I’m at my wife’s mercy… and that’s OK with me

How to prepare yourself to see ‘The Force Awakens’

(I’m over at Long Awkward Pause today, still giddy with a Star Wars hangover…)

image Last night I was among those relative few who, either through luck or Jedi mind trick, got to see the premier of what is arguably the biggest release in movie history. And by “arguably” I mean we could argue about it, but you would be wrong. Should you continue to argue, I will have a Wookie pull your arms out of their sockets.

While I’m not going to give away any surprises (Chewbacca sees an electrologist on Tatooine!), let me put your fears to rest that J.J. Abrams has created a perfect blend of nostalgia and new adventure, tied together with engaging characters who, unlike the last trilogy, don’t appear to be rehearsing for an episode of “The Young and the Restless.”

In short: I will be seeing this movie again.

Soon.

Likely several times. Or at least until someone notices I’ve been in the same theater for four straight days. Probably because of the smell. (More at Long Awkward Pause…)

Sorry, but ‘The Force’ will be with me sooner than you

imageBy this time tomorrow, one of the staff members over at Long Awkward Pause will be cooler than the rest.

Except for Brainrants.

No one is cooler than ‘Rants. Mostly because you can leave off half his name and it still sounds cool. Try that with any other writers there and the result sounds like someone grunting in the bathroom stall next to you:

“Awari!”

“Geish!”

“Ogdram!”

“Ned!”

However, I don’t care. Why? Because tonight, while everyone else is lying awake wondering if Luke Skywalker is actually the new villian with the candelabra-style lightsaber in the Star Wars trailers, and if so does that mean Jewish people have more midiclorians than the rest of us, I will have the answer to that burning question and more.  Continue reading Sorry, but ‘The Force’ will be with me sooner than you

Revealing myself… WAIT, it’s not what you think!

Yes, that really is me (on the left)
Yes, that really is me (on the left)

When other people talk about me, it’s usually behind my back. Not that I’m paranoid.

I just… know it.

So naturally, our next challenge in the “Performer of the Year” competition at The Public Blogger is to put together a special two-part presentation revealing who we are through the eyes of others. As you might expect, this meant soliciting people to talk about me in front of my back — the objective being to offer a revealing look into whether we are an imitation or representation of our art.

I don’t know what all that means, but I’m repeating it here in hope of sounding highly sophisticated and artistic.

Now before I show you the clips below, I promise you that “revealing” who I am does not involve any undergarments. This time.  Continue reading Revealing myself… WAIT, it’s not what you think!

My intuition tells me our family will be drowning in tuition

imageAs parents, my wife and I have been very honest with our three teenagers about the level of financial support they can expect from us for college. To do this, I used my annual donation to our local public broadcasting station as an example.

“You know how they have different levels of supporters? And how the more money you contribute, the nicer the gift they send you as a show of their appreciation for your support — like a T-shirt or really nice backpack, or if you’re a gold-level member an entire season of your favorite PBS show in a special limited edition boxed set on Blu-Ray?”

Our kids nodded.

“As a gift, we received a refrigerator magnet for a show that was canceled three years ago.”

Blank stares from our kids.

“So yeah, the only free-ride scholarship you’re going to get from us will have already been spent on food and your unlimited texting and data plans.”  Continue reading My intuition tells me our family will be drowning in tuition

In case you missed it, I was elected President last night. Sort of…

image

If you follow me on Facebook along with 20,000 other….

Hold on a second. Sorry, the cat walked across the keyboard.

I mean, 200 other people, then you probably already know our “Dempublican Campaign” submission won this week’s round in the “Performance of the Year” competition at The Public Blogger — Ranking me back at No. 1 as we head into Round 8 this Sunday.

However, if you don’t follow me on Facebook along with 200,000,000 others (no cat this time), then you probably haven’t slept all night because you’ve been writhing with anticipation! If there’s any other kind of writhing involved from last night, please keep it to yourself.  Continue reading In case you missed it, I was elected President last night. Sort of…

Men are from NAPA, women are from Macy’s

image There are thousands of books offering insights into the male/female dynamic. Coincidentally, these books are generally located next to the section labeled “divorced/end-of-relationship” section. If you want to observe the true difference between men and women at its purest form, without a divorce attorney present, simply study their shopping habits.

With the holiday buying season now officially underway, there’s no better time to witness this phenomenon for yourself.

Here’s a brief study guide to get you started.

Women:
a) Define an outfit as something comprised of at least three pieces of clothing, all of which are interchangeable and flattering.
b) Have researched the best buys and know where there’s a sale today.
c) Are undecided about whether or not a drop-waist makes them look fat.
d) Will try on all clothes within arm’s reach of the fitting room.

Men:
a) Define an outfit as something comprised of jeans. And maybe a fishing lure.
b) Have researched today’s game schedule on ESPN and know they can get to the store and back during halftime.
c) Are undecided about how to answer when their wives ask if a drop-waist makes them look fat.
d) Won’t get within arm’s reach of the fitting room. Continue reading Men are from NAPA, women are from Macy’s

Ned’s Low-cal holiday treats that won’t cause vomiting

imageUnless you’re a hyperactive nine-year-old fueled by Pixie Sticks and Hostess Cupcakes without an ounce of concern for weight-gain because concern is the ONLY ounce you’re going to gain this holiday season, then you’re like the rest of us trying to get through the next six weeks without looking like Jabba the Hutt’s stunt double.

What this means is finding a healthy balance between satisfying your God-given right to partake in all of those delicious holiday treats while, at the same time, adhering to the God-given Commandment to avoid gluttony.

Yes, the Lord does indeed work in mysterious ways. Take fruitcake for example…

No, seriously. Please take mine.

That’s because over the next few weeks I’ll be sharing quick and easy holiday recipe tips that are both low-calorie and delicious! And not just because “quick and easy” is my pet name.

Today, I am going to show you how to make a cup of hot chocolate that you can drink as an alternative to buttered rum or egg nog, which are not only high in calories but also lead to drunken fights about that time you — again, after too many buttered rums — made a snow angel in the front yard wearing nothing but a Santa hat.

In August.  Continue reading Ned’s Low-cal holiday treats that won’t cause vomiting

Voting has opened; time to get “RAW”

imageHey everyone! Voting in this week’s round in the “Performer of the Year” competition at The Public Blogger has begun!

After six weeks of voting — and an unfortunate outbreak of salmonella — the field has been reduced from 12 nominees to five heading into tonight’s round.

This week’s challenge, titled “RAW,” was possibly the toughest yet, with each of us given just 24 hours to complete our presentation — which was to answer the following two questions:

1) What is your contribution as an artist?
2) Have you ever had sex while dressed as a Star Wars character?

OK, not really. Ha! Ha! I made the first question up. Continue reading Voting has opened; time to get “RAW”

Your Thanksgiving questions answered by Mr. Knowitall

(Today I’m over at Long Awkward Pause, where Mr. Knowitall is talking turkey about Thanksgiving myths. Just don’t stand in front of him when he actually says “myths” because he tends to spit a little…)

Mr. Knowitall is happy to answer your questions
Mr. Knowitall is happy to answer your questions

It’s been 395 years since that first Thanksgiving, when the Pilgrims and Wampanoag Indians sat down together in celebration and, much like the Americans of today, made a solemn vow not to eat more than your standard bull elk. We know this because of a passage recently discovered in the diary of Pilgrim Edward Winslow, who described the first Thanksgiving like this:

“Our harvest be large so that we might rejoice! Our plates and bellies be full to swelling! We have feasted on meats and gathered crops, and pies of sweet fruit!
Aye, I say! I think it be time to vomit!”

— Edward Winslow, Nov. 26, 1621

In spite of this kind of irrefutable historic documentation, many myths still exist about one of our most celebrated holidays.

For example: Did anyone actually eat the Indian corn, or was it just used as a decoration?

As a special tribute to Thanksgiving, we asked our resident historian, Mr. Knowitall, to help separate fact from fiction about this important holiday. We encouraged readers to send us their own Thanksgiving questions and, as a result, were inundated with hundreds of emails! Mostly male enhancement offers… but still enough questions that choosing a handful (of questions) required a highly complex selection process utilizing dozens of volunteers, an empty office and one wild squirrel… (MORE at Long Awkward Pause)