Tag: satire

Knock knock. Who’s there? The Door

image When opportunity comes knocking on your door, you want to answer it. However, if that knocking happens on The Door of our newsroom, it usually means the person on the other side has run out of toilet paper.

I know what you’re asking yourself:

Isn’t there another door to the newsroom?

Of course! Otherwise, we’d have to enter through the window. Which isn’t to say we haven’t left that way sometimes, especially when Misty, our front desk girl, pages the newsroom to let us know the editor is on her way with a new assignment.

But being that this is Tuesday, we all know The Door I’m talking about is the one journalists here at the Siuslaw News have been attaching the best, worst and most curious newspaper headlines, stories and submissions to since the early 1970s, back when long hair and hot typesetting wax was abundant, and so were incidents of spontaneous hair removal. Continue reading Knock knock. Who’s there? The Door

If a tent falls on a man in the forest, should he make a sound?

(Given that we are only halfway through a three-day weekend, I have no idea where you are reading this from. And depending on how well your holiday weekend is going, chances are, neither do you. And for those of you who, instead of calling a friend or family member in the U.S., have opted to use the spotty Internet service from your Tijuana jail cell to read this week’s Flashback Sunday, I appreciate your commitment. As you know, this is the day we dust off a column from my blogging past, back when I though “Freshly Pressed” was a dating website for recently divorced journalists. So sit back and relax wherever you are — lawn chair, commode, alley way, Reno honeymoon suite next to a naked person you don’t know — and take a trip with me to the past. Who knows? You might even remember how you got here…)

imageOur family loves to go camping. In fact, we make sure to get out and pitch our tent — without fail — once a year.

Traditionally, this takes place during the busy Memorial Day Weekend so that as many people as possible can witness a 46-year-old man being attacked by his own tent. In my defense, I have to say our tent is very large; especially when it is laying flat on the ground.

If I hadn’t lost the step-by-step instructions that came with it, I’m sure the assembly process would be a lot easier because, as a man, I could use them to, step-by-step, blame everything on having lousy instructions. What this means is that over the Memorial Day Weekend my handiwork will again be mistaken for a hot air balloon that has crash-landed into our family’s camp site. Continue reading If a tent falls on a man in the forest, should he make a sound?

Don’t worry! I won’t be shirtless on my book cover

(It’s hard to believe 60 cents worth of writing advice has been dispensed since Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing first began appearing every Friday 12 weeks ago. One reader described the impact of NWOW on his writing this way:

“Can you break a nickel?”

And the accolades go on. Suffice it to say, with those kids of testimonials, it’s no wonder the IRS has targeted my Nickel’s Worth for a full audit…)

image We’ve all heard the adage about not judging a book by it’s cover. And while that’s a terrific sentiment when it comes to people, let’s be honest in admitting the cover of a book is the first thing we judge. There’s a reason the heroine on a romance novel looks like a hair products model and not someone from an anti-drug campaign. Taking it a step further, from a woman’s perspective, would you want to thumb through the latest issue of Playgirl if Pee Wee Herman was on the cover?

OK, fine. Two of you would. Obviously, choosing a book is the least of your problems.

However, after conducting a random poll of 10 women in our office, they unanimously agreed, given a choice, they would rather see me than Pee Wee Herman — which doesn’t really say as much about my masculinity as it does about our need for better vision coverage. Regardless, I will claim that as a victory. Continue reading Don’t worry! I won’t be shirtless on my book cover

Naked News broadcasts viewed by some as too cheeky

image (Warning: At all costs, the following information must NOT fall into the hands of Geraldo Rivera.)

According to an ad in the Toronto Star newspaper, the producers of “Naked News” are seeking anchors for their daily internet news program. For those of you who’ve never heard of this program, let me take just a moment to explain it:

They report the news, and they’re naked.

That’s pretty much it.

And for most men, that’s explanation enough, which is why the website now averages 6 million viewers per month. Continue reading Naked News broadcasts viewed by some as too cheeky

Come gather at the feet of The Door (if doors had feet)

image As we all know, a door has two sides. Every Tuesday, we explore the newsroom side of The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance) here at the Siuslaw News. Not only because the other side has a commode, but also because, on the newsroom side, journalists since the 1970s have been attaching the best and worst headlines, photos, news stories and cutlines with glue, paste, tape and, in one case, a glob of a hardened substance with a wiry hair in it.

As always, we begin our visit to The Door by repeating those very words uttered by the first person to pass beyond The Door to the other side. However, since those words were drowned out by a flushing sound, we have done our best to re-create them here. So join hands and, while speaking in a monotone voice similar to someone beginning to realize their explanation in traffic court is super lame, repeat after me:

The Door is a beacon, drawing us into the jagged rocks of journalism.

Again, no one has actually ever said those words. But as any journalist will tell you, adding quote marks changes all that.

Let us begin. Continue reading Come gather at the feet of The Door (if doors had feet)

Higher standards for being a carnie

imageWhile walking through the carnival today, I saw this “help wanted” sign posted in the elephant ear booth. The sign makes it clear that the standards for this position are high. But don’t worry. For those with a blood alcohol above .30, there’s always The Scrambler or Squirrel Cages operator position.

Apparently, G.I. Joe is no match for Barbie’s mojo

(Do you suffer from unsightly vision? Continual breathing? An itchy bladder? Reptile disfunction? You’re not alone! Join millions others who suffer these afflictions each week during Flashback Sunday, when we dig deep into the archives — back when I thought “Freshly Pressed” was a kinky website for people with a Pillsbury Dough Boy fetish. And while this week’s Flashback won’t cure any of your symptoms, it might help with regularity…)

Apparently, G.I. Joe and Steve Austin use their acute eyesight for more than just scoping out the bad guys.
The act of “playing” is a crucial part of how a child establishes self image and a basic understanding of the world. I know this because, as a progressive father of today, I have read extensively about this very topic — which is why I progressively freaked out when I found my son playing in the shower with a Barbie doll.

It wasn’t the fact that he was playing with a doll that bothered me, it was the fact that it was still completely intact — something I don’t expect from a child who routinely disassembles my office chair and a good portion of my desk in less than four minutes using nothing but a three-piece “Bob the Builder” tool kit.

I decided something needed to be done. It was time to enlist the help of an old friend; it was time for G.I. Joe to break Barbie’s mojo. Continue reading Apparently, G.I. Joe is no match for Barbie’s mojo

My interview with best-selling author Ima Knowitall

(Fridays are always a good reason to get excited! And not just if you’re a cross-dresser who tells his wife he “works late at the office” on Friday nights while secretly going by the name “Bobbi.” No! The other reason to get excited — and this includes you, too, Bobbi — is that it’s also time for “Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing.” Or as some people have suggested, “Ned’s NWOW,” which is definitely the kind of thing that could stick, unless I use a disinfectant. As always, today’s Nickel’s Worth is brought to you by Gliterary Girl, a literary website where I’m a regular contributor each week, or at least until they change the pass code…)

imageIt’s rare when an author of this caliber agrees to acknowledge your presence, let alone be interviewed and, during the course of that interview, actually speak. So you can imagine my excitement at having gotten award-winning and self-proclaimed best-selling author Ima Knowitall to discuss her career and upcoming book release, Time-traveling Vampire of Love. She has been heralded by the New York Times as “…our generation’s J.K. Rowling, mixed with E.L. James, if they weren’t already from our generation, and if she added initials to her name.”

High praise indeed.

In addition, Knowitall has been recognized by prestiges writers’ groups across the globe, such as London’s famous Nouns of the Baskerville, Seattle’s Puget Sound Pronouns and the Dangling Participles of Dublin. The author of more than 40 online novels this past year, Knowitall has received the coveted Prolific Speller Award, the Hemmingway Award for “longest run-on sentence of 2013 and 2014” (same sentence) and, most recently, she was honored by the Society of Illiterate Columnists (SIC) for her contributions to “…the advancement of people who write without the shackles of proper grammar.” Continue reading My interview with best-selling author Ima Knowitall

What’s even MORE wrong with this picture..?

image They say idle hands are the Devil’s play things, especially if he has access to Photoshop. My funny and slightly twisted (like a length of hemp rope woven by weed-smoking hippies) blogger friend, Tom Nardone, took the photo from last night’s blog post (“What’s wrong with this picture”) and made it even more wrong, as only Tom can do… which is a real talent.

Some of his earlier work was released several years ago, in the JFK assassination files, when he put Lee Harvey Oswald’s head on the body of someone holding a rifle.

Thanks, Tom!

(…At least, I think that’s the correct response….)

Already tired of Tuesday? Show it… The Door

image No, that’s not a photo taken inside an empty office at Chernobyl. It’s what I look at every time I glance up from my desk in the newsroom here at the Siuslaw News. It is The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance). As any reader of this weekly feature will tell you, it is a shrine, a journalistic Mecca, a print media Wailing Wall to which we make a pilgrimage each Tuesday and, with deep introspection, ask ourselves that eternal question:

How did THAT make it into print without someone noticing?!?

The Door has been a work in progress since the early 1970s, when journalists began taping examples of the best and worst headlines, typos, cutlines and correspondence to it as a way to 1) keep a healthy perspective on what we do, and 2) keep The Door from falling apart since the budget won’t allow for a new one. In addition to its significance as a sentinel of journalistic history, it also contains enough tape, paste and glue to withstand the blast radius of a backfiring 1967 Volkswagen Beatle. Continue reading Already tired of Tuesday? Show it… The Door