Category: Recently probed (and potentially sore) subjects

Ned’s most recent columns… Yep, that about sums it up.

New Olympic events promise even fewer viewers for biathlon

image Welcome to the final installment of our four-part Winter Olympic preview, 20 Reasons to Be a Summer Olympian! Today, we’ll be introducing the six new and exciting events making their debut — or five really, since one of them is another biathlon event. Okay, four if you consider Team Figure Skating. Of course, there’s also the new Luge Team Relay, which proves there’s no “I” in Luge Team; because unless I can’t find the remote, “I” probably won’t be watching.

But hey! That doesn’t mean we aren’t going to offer the same in-depth look at these events as we are Women’s Ski Jumping, mens and women’s Ski Halfpipe, and the Sochi Commode Relay, which pits the endurance needed for Russian cuisine against a limited number of working toilets. Continue reading New Olympic events promise even fewer viewers for biathlon

Is Pluto a planet or whiner? This and four other questions I answered for The Hook

image Today I had the privilege of riding an elevator with a hotel bellman who simply goes by the name of The Hook. I can only assume it’s a nickname based on his ability to multitask with people’s luggage, and not in reference to a past crime he may or may not have committed. Regardless of the reason, he is a genuinely nice guy with an exceptional sense of humor who likes to ask a lot of questions. By the time we reached my room on the second floor, we had discussed everything from whether Pluto is getting a raw deal, to the best thing about being Justin Bieber. Believe it or not, I actually had answers to those along with three other equally penetrating questions — which I swear isn’t as painful as it sounds.

Here’s the link to our conversation on The Hook…

Let the Winter Games begin! (Before I get sued)

image Hello and welcome to the next installment of our groundbreaking (at least in terms of blatant copyright infringement) four-part Winter Olympics preview:

20 Reasons to Be a Summer Olympian

Today, we will be focusing on some of the most dangerous and exciting events at the winter games. Events like Luge, Skeleton and Ski Jumping. Events that require an extraordinary amount of physical and mental conditioning before an Olympic hopeful, such as myself, can compete without soiling his polymer body suit. While I’ve never actually trained for a spot on the U.S. Luge team per se, I experienced something very similar in the winter of 1999, when I slipped in the snow and landed on what rescuers believe was a discarded Volkswagen hubcap. Continue reading Let the Winter Games begin! (Before I get sued)

Lawn-mowing frenzy linked to distracted reader

A new law may prohibit my book from being read while driving a riding mower.
HATSOL Surveillance Team members managed to get this photo before police closed the area.
According to a court summons I just received, my book is now under scrutiny following an incident in which a woman went on a riding-mower spree that cut large swaths through nearly four acres of neighboring yards, including several flower beds and three mailboxes. The woman, who would only identify herself as “MamaMickTerry,” was clutching a copy of Humor at the Speed of Life when police traced her to an equipment shed behind her home, where she was still sitting on the industrial-sized mower in question.

“She kept repeating a passage from the book. Something about mowing over Ned Hickson’s hibachi,” said officer Bill Schlependorf, head of the local landscape crimes division. “We tracked her down by forming a grid. Then we stepped out of the grid and followed a six-foot wide path of debris through a series of hydrangea bushes to her shed. That’s where we found her, still clutching the book and mumbling that she would ‘…show Ned what a REAL mower looks like!'” Continue reading Lawn-mowing frenzy linked to distracted reader

According to this review, my book could be the next Magic 8-Ball

Robyn Lawson, aka ""Blog Woman!" consults my book for its wisdom. Keep looking, Robyn...
Robyn L., aka “Blog Woman!” consults my book for its wisdom. Keep looking, Robyn…
Before getting to the most recent review of my book, I have been instructed by my lawyer to issue the following disclaimer:

Warning: Humor at the Speed of Life should not be considered a substitute for a certified life coach, or used as guide in making major life decisions, or even deciding on what to have for dinner. Should you decide to use it for this purpose by randomly picking passages in a fashion similar to a Magic 8-Ball, results may vary, particularly if you happen to choose anything from the section Women are from Venus and Men Won’t Ask for Directions.

That said, I’d like to thank Robyn L. from Blog Woman!!! for this insightful review that has made my lawyer more nervous than Justin Bieber getting dropped off in Compton… Continue reading According to this review, my book could be the next Magic 8-Ball

You can’t be too careful when it comes to packages from Canada

I was taking no chances; as far as I knew, Canada may have stopped being our ally during my walk home...
I was taking no chances; as far as I knew, Canada may have stopped being our ally during my walk home…

The afternoon started out like any other: leave the office, walk two blocks home, pass through our white picket gate toward the front steps, then holler “EVERYBODY STAY IN THE HOUSE” while dropping into an army crawl. Naturally, no one at home had any interest in coming outside until I yelled for them NOT to — at which point three of our children and both dogs attempted to squeeze through the doorway simultaneously, closely resembling a horde of diarrhea sufferers trying to de-board a subway car for the last working restroom.

“STOP!” I commanded, freezing them all — yes, even the dogs — on the porch, just inches away from a small white package with the word Liquid written in several places in black marker. The name on the return address wasn’t one I immediately recognized. The fact that it was from a foreign country (Canada) made it even more suspicious. Continue reading You can’t be too careful when it comes to packages from Canada

That time I was interviewed by Suz Jones while her cat ate my book

Catnip ink is cheaper, but there are drawbacks.
Catnip ink is cheaper, but there are drawbacks.
This morning I had the privilege of being interviewed by Suz Jones over at It Goes On as this week’s Fellow Blogger guest. She asked a lot of great questions and I revealed some things I normally wouldn’t, which taught me a valuable lesson about not wearing baggy shorts when being interviewed.

I also learned that my book seems to be as popular with cats as it is with dogs. Maybe it’s the section on pets (Why Is the Dog Wearing Cowboy Boots?), or maybe it’s that the quality of writing appeals to the standard reading level of most house pets. Whatever the reason, Suz’s cat really ate up my book. Starting with the corners.

I’d like to thank Suz for having me as a guest, and for going to the extra trouble of making authentic Australian “shrimp on the barbie.” I’m also glad her cat liked my book so much, which meant more shrimp for me.

Here’s an excerpt from today’s interview, along with a link to the rest at Suz’s blog… Continue reading That time I was interviewed by Suz Jones while her cat ate my book

Like speed skating, our Olympic preview continues because we can’t stop

image Hello and welcome to another exciting installment of our exclusive 2014 Winter Olympics preview:

20 Reasons to Be a Summer Olympian

It’s a preview so exclusive even the Olympic Committee doesn’t know about it. And, quite frankly, we’d like to keep it that way. That’s because while the larger media outlets routinely get bogged down with boring interviews and analysis of things like the effect of wind trajectory on Bob Costas’ hair, we are able to avoid all that. How? By going nowhere near the actual Olympic games! This allows us to provide you with valuable information that news sources in Sochi, Russia are missing because they’re too busy trying to keep their Babushkas from freezing off. Continue reading Like speed skating, our Olympic preview continues because we can’t stop

Evidence shows even “Grimm” actresses need humor between takes

image The elite HATSOL (Humor at the Speed of Life) Surveillance Team, utilizing a tiny camera cleverly hidden inside an inconspicuous fake poinsettia, has penetrated the high security that surrounds filming of NBC’s Grimm in Portland, Ore. After several hours and dozens of images of people pointing to the poinsettia with a quizzical expression, this photo of Grimm actress Jennifer Connor reading my book between takes was captured.

“I love your book, so I’m doing my best to get it out there in weird places. Or at least out of the bathroom,” Jennifer said to an anonymous HATSOL team member posing as a poinsettia wrangler on the set. “But really — a poinsettia?”

Hey, there was a clearance after the holidays…

An observation at my fridge reveals “Gender-vision”

image Yes, this is an honest, unaltered view of the current state of our refrigerator. It’s exactly how it looked when I opened it this morning. If I were a scientist, I would call this my “control subject.” I would also probably be wearing a Haz-Mat suit complete with breathing apparatus. Not that our refrigerator itself is a bio-hazard. It’s actually pretty clean. It’s the stuff inside the small containers somewhere in the back, tucked behind the Christmas dinner leftovers (Hey, from 2013!) that pose the biggest threat should their air-locked containers be accidentally breached.

“Hey, what’s in this Tupperwa… [Pffffffft!] Oh GOD, what have I DONE!”

However, the potential threat my refrigerator poses to anyone within a three-mile radius is not the point of this post. It’s actually to provide official documentation a phenomenon I am calling Gender-vision®, which is: The viewing of the same image by two individuals, but with different points of interest depending on their gender. Continue reading An observation at my fridge reveals “Gender-vision”