[Breaking News: from another strangely irrelevant moment in our newsroom…]
Because we here at Siuslaw News understand the importance and value of investing in journalism’s future, we feel the need — no, the obligation — to invest in that future by vigorously supporting free labor from high school interns. We like to think of it as a crash course that puts students on the road to a career in journalism. But after this morning, I think “collision course” is a better way to put it… Continue reading … This Just In …
The kindness of fellow bloggers never ceases to amaze me, especially when it comes to anything viral. In this case, I’m talking about something I got from Tom Nardone, who, in addition to being a hilarious and insightful writer, is a giving person. In fact, he gave me this highly infectious book promo video. Being a decent person, he called me all the way from South Carolina to let me know the infection is spreading. After finding this out, and because I’m not sure if this will be covered under America’s new health care, I felt an obligation to let all of you know.
That said, you can have yourself checked out by clicking here.
For those wanting to receive immediate treatment, you can purchase Humor at the Speed of Lifehere, without a prescription, and get things cleared up by Christmas…
(You made it! Welcome to Flashback Sunday! It’s that special day when we break the space-time continuum together, with the understanding, of course, that we’ll fix it again once we’re done. As long as we’re careful and put everything back like we found it, then — just like these early posts — no one will even notice…)
The world of fruitcake lovers is a dangerous one for those without a spare. Every once in a while a column strikes a nerve with readers. These readers then write me to express their displeasure; they are angry, hurt, offended, or breaking in new stationery. Whatever the reason, I appreciate this feedback regardless of the fact that, in many cases, the column they’re talking about wasn’t mine. So you can imagine my shock at getting unhappy letters from people who (a) read my column and (b) actually like fruitcake.
The letters came in response to the column I wrote about Fruitcake Disposal Anxiety Disorder, which was named in a New York Post special investigation as “The fastest-growing mental disorder in the entire world.”
After my deadline, fighting the flu, preparing for my firefighter skills test and the likelihood of vomiting. Much like when I was in middle school, and told Mrs. Taskmaster I didn’t have my homework assignment or a written excuse because “my dog ate my mom,” I have an equally ridiculous excuse as to why this week’s edition of The Box wasn’t posted yesterday.
For those who follow me on Twitter (and if you don’t, who can blame you), they know I was dealt a “Perfect Storm” of events yesterday, much like the movie with George Clooney, except as a really bad sequel that Clooney turned down in favor of the lead in Gigli 2.
My “Perfect Storm” scenario included the following plot twists:
1) A feverish, sneeze-inducing form of Influenza
2) An early newspaper deadline because of,
3) A mandatory hands-on firefighter skills test to take
My objectives were to arrive at work by 5 a.m. and meet a 1 p.m. deadline, then hurry to the fire station, where I would take a five-evolution skills test in full gear and breathing apparatus, all while trying not to sneeze uncontrollably into my face mask, thus obscuring my view while simultaneously resembling something from the movie Alien, thereby setting off a chain reaction of vomiting by my fellow firefighters inside their face masks. Continue reading I know The Box was absent yesterday, but I have a note from my mother
(Nope, it’s not deja vu or a break in the space-time continuum. It’s not even the beginning signs of a stroke. It’sFlashback Sunday! That special day each week when I reach so far back into the archives that occasionally, when I forget to stretch first, I’ve been known to pull a groin muscle. But it’s worth it! Not just because it means bringing you a post from a time when all my followers were on the same cell phone plan, but also because it’s as close as I’ll ever get to performing yoga…)
New clothing-generated electricity could help Steven Seagal provide his own power for gigs, with surplus for parts of Chicago. Hello, and welcome to another edition of High-Tech Watch, a consumer information guide to the latest technology, and the exciting items you can expect to see following the eventual collapse of the Consumer Products Safety Commission.
We begin in Scotland, where textile researchers are currently working to perfect material that can generate and store static electricity through the natural rubbing of material. This would allow wearers of clothing made with “Smart Yarn” to generate their own power for things like cell phones, iPods, laptops or, in the case of a full-length kimono worn by Steven Seagal, a small Chicago suburb. The technology is relatively simple, and dates back to the early 1970s, when a combination of corduroy pants, wool socks and shag carpeting was blamed on the electrocution deaths of several people in the U.S. and Canada. Continue reading Before flushing remote-controlled toilet, duck behind Steven Seagal
(Today at Siuslaw News, we are short-staffed and on early deadlines, with many of us suffering the lingering effects of tryptophan and alcohol. The result is an extremely small staff of tired, hungover reporters trying to put out today’s edition. Being that I am the tallest and least hungover, I am suddenly an integral part of assuring today’s success — which is a stark contrast to the role I normally play in the newsroom. What does this all mean? For those who recognized the title of this week’sNickel’s Worth on Writing, you already know it’s a repeat from a year ago regarding what it means to be a writer. For those who never read this post or, for reasons of their own, blocked the experience from their minds, this will be new to you. In either case, whether reading this for the first time, a second time or angrily throwing your coffee at the monitor and sending me the bill, always be proud to be a writer…) Continue reading Coming out to the ones you love about your alternative (writing) lifestyle
(With retailers now moving traditional day-after-Thanksgiving “Black Friday” shopping to a week ago last Wednesday, thereby breaking the holiday space-time continuum, this week’s edition ofFlashback Sundayis desperate attempt by me to counteract that breach by offering a post from a time when even Bigfoot knew when he could find the best sale on an Epilady…)
There are many advantages to shopping with Bigfoot. Keeping a low profile is not one of them.There are times when, as a columnist, I am faced with the difficult decision of choosing between two equally important topics in order to meet my deadline.
Then there are times like this when, thanks to years of experience and accidentally consuming a quadruple espresso meant for the person next to me at Starbuck’s, I realize both topics can be combined into a single, well-structured piece of journalism.
Which is why, today, we will be talking about how to prepare for holiday shopping with the help of Bigfoot.
As some of you may have heard, a hiker in Utah posted video of what appeared to be Bigfoot rummaging through the brush.
In addition, some of you may have heard about Thanksgiving.
Though I’m a parent who is many years beyond his children’s diaper phase (Ya Baby! WOOO-HOOO, You Know it! YOWZA!)
…Sorry
Anyway, I have several friends who are now embarking on this journey and who have asked my advice regarding the choice between cloth or disposable diapers. I told them, without hesitation, that I was somewhat offended by their insinuation, and that unless it was All-You-Can-Eat-Frijole-Night at the Enfermo Taco, I was still quite in control of my bodily functions, thank you very much.
(If you’re reading this and still haven’t begun defrosting your Thanksgiving turkey, stop RIGHT NOW and place your bird in the shower, where it can be defrosted and monitored properly, as well as cleansed regularly, between now and Nov. 28. This is just one exciting example of the kind of tips you can expect from this week’s edition ofFlashback Sunday! Now, please wash your hands…)
Don’t let your first Thanksgiving turkey become memorable for the wrong reasons. The countdown has begun. Soon, thousands of newlyweds will be in the kitchen preparing their very first Thanksgiving turkey. As a service to readers, I felt a responsibility to help educate people about foodborne illness by offering a special holiday feature that I’d like to call:
Don’t lose your giblets this Thanksgiving.
Being a writer, I’ve naturally spent a good portion of my career working in the food service industry. And like most writers, it was there that I was able practice my craft and eventually acquire something that ALL good writers must have: A Food Handler’s Card.
Because of this, I can stand before you as someone highly qualified to talk turkey.
[Breaking News: from another strangely irrelevant moment in our newsroom…]
There’s nothing like deadline days at a newspaper. Except maybe closing an oven door on your head repeatedly for 8 to 10 hours. It is a day filled with split-second decisions, each of which can lead to rippling ramifications in terms of overall ink usage. Today was a true test of our abilities as a news room: A key story had fallen through; we were down one reporter; and we were completely out of Cheetos in our vending machine. It was in essence, the “perfect storm” scenario when my editor called me into her office… Continue reading … This Just In …
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