Tag: satire

Six attempts to catch the sun worth a Long Awkward Pause

It’s Saturday, and that means I’m over at Long Awkward Pause! Why? Because they have great coffee! Actually, that’s not entirely true. We don’t even have a coffeemaker. But there IS a Starbuck’s across the street, and Chris doesn’t know we have his wallet, so… Free Mochaccinos for everyone! While we’re there, each of us at LAP will be commenting on The Saturday Six, which are six related images that are just plain awkward — like all of my yearbook photos. This week’s subject? When you go onto the Internet asking for help Photoshopping the sun between your fingers like this guy did, be prepared for anything under the sun — as long as it’s not between your fingers…

1. Not Quite What I Had In Mind

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BrainRants: I approve – looks like some shit straight out of a Monty Python opener.

Ned: “And the Suns win it with a field goal!”

Omawarisan: I don’t think the one on the right is a finger.

Jack: Technically this is what he asked for, he has no reason to complain.

singlegirlie: Is that Jon Hamm and Tommy Lee nude sunbathing on the other side of those trees?

(Trust me, it gets much worse. How much worse? Join me for five more examples at Long Awkward Pause by pinching here!)

Writing tips that will help you jump off the deep end

image Welcome to a special “Vacation Edition” of Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, which is just like any other edition of my NWOW, except that I’m holding a margarita in one hand. Sadly, this has no effect on my typing speed whatsoever. As I mentioned last week, I am spending part of my vacation sifting through two years of NWOW writing advice and organizing it into an eBook. And when I say “part of my vacation,” I mean the part that doesn’t include sleeping late, drinking margaritas, taking naps, having more margaritas and then falling asleep. But I promise: between 2:30 and 2:45 p.m. each day, I am diligently working on what I’m hoping will be a writer’s survival guide that offers writing insights as well as inspiration.

Then again, that could be the tequila talking.

In the meantime, I’ve hand-picked a couple of past NWOWs for the next two Fridays while I work on the book, which I plan to finish before my vacation ends next weekend. Or after I wake up from my next nap, whichever comes first… Continue reading Writing tips that will help you jump off the deep end

Another awkward moment at the mall thanks to Rihanna

As many of you know, my trips to the mall — although infrequent — often result in some type of awkward mishap. Maybe it’s because I’m a friendly person by nature who doesn’t discriminate because of race, creed, color, religious affiliation or, as with my last mall visit, even those who happen to be a mannequin. However, today’s visit to the mall was just plain embarrassing. Keep in mind that in the few months since the release of my book, I’ve had — and I’m not exaggerating — at least two people recognize me from outside a 10-mile radius of my hometown. Although I’m learning to accept this kind of celebrity, I could have never anticipated the reaction I got from Rihanna during today’s trip to the mall with my son…

Who knew Rihanna was so clingy?!?
Who knew Rihanna was so clingy?!?

Fortunately, my quick-thinking son Jake was able to snap this photo of me rebuffing Rihanna while exiting “Purfumania” after not finding any Hai-Karate aftershave.

I’m just thankful it wasn’t Oprah…

Six reasons cats deserve a Long Awkward Pause

Hello! You’ve reached Ned Hickson at Ned’s Blog. I’m not here right now because I’m with the rest of the staff at Long Awkward Pause for The Saturday Six, commenting on six items which — like a family-run truck stop in the Ozarks — are awkward and loosely related. This week’s topic? Those annoying pictures of cats copying humans! The NERVE!

For example…

1. The Nutcracker

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Omawarisan: Both the cat and the guy display considerable skill by getting their bodies into this position. I could not do it. Perhaps what I mean by that is that I could not find a good reason to do it.

Ned: I actually performed a similar move once, when I tried running through a sprinkler while carrying an actual cat. By the time I was done getting scratched, I had about the same amount of clothing left, too.

Chris: I could get into that position easily. Getting out of it is another story.

Calahan: Ah, the infamous invisible tug o’war of 2011 between Mr. Six Pack Abby and Mr. Tabby. I lost a lot of money on that game. I had fake my own death for insurance money.

(Love cats? Hate cats? Cat got your tongue? That’s ok! Fancy Feast your eyes on five more awkward copy cats by joining me over at… LAP!)

Larger-brained humans will only lead to race of fat-heads

A gift from a reader helps demonstrate how, if the journal Science is correct, one of these human head proportions may be accurate by the next generation. The question is, with today’s television programming, which size will it be?
As if we didn’t have enough problems already, according to a report in the journal Science the human brain is getting bigger. In fact, from what I understand (based on my in-depth analysis of a five-word headline in the New York Post), there’s a good chance yours may be outgrowing your skull right now. Signs this may be occurring include: vomiting, nausea, dizziness, frequent headaches and bleeding from the ears. If you suffer from any or all of these symptoms, DO NOT PANIC! They may only be the side effects of your current FDA-approved medication for acid reflux.

Then again, your brain might have actually gotten bigger since you started reading this column. And not just because of the sheer quality of writing — which is always a possibility (keeping in mind the same symptoms may apply.)

Before we go on, I should, as a responsible journalist, take a moment and actually read the article. In the meantime, I’d suggest applying equal amounts of pressure to both sides of your head, just to be safe.

… OK. Sorry — false alarm. Continue reading Larger-brained humans will only lead to race of fat-heads

Six pregnancy photos worth a Long Awkward Pause

Saturday mornings.

That magical time when you can finally take a deep breath, give a soul-cleansing exhale, then savor your first relaxed sip of coffee before inadvertently choking on it and spewing it on the family pet. Why is this happening? Because it’s also time for The Saturday Six, when I and the rest of the staff at Long Awkward Pause offer comments on six images which, like many families living deep in the Tennessee mountains, are loosely related and awkward. This week’s topic is awkward pregnancy photos, the first of which might’ve actually been taken from somewhere in those aforementioned mountains…

1. The Circle Of Life?

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Ned: She’s not pregnant; that’s just where the other turkey went.

Jack: This Thanksgiving, everyone will be stuffed!

Omawarisan: If he’d have just choked his turkey a few months ago…

Chris: This guy doesn’t understand the term: ‘Bun in the oven.’

(And yet… it gets even more weird. How much more? Let’s just say this photo of an expectant mother gripping a dead turkey is probably the most artful example. Don’t believe me? Then join me over to LAP…)

Your writing muse is always the last place you look

image Welcome to Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, that time each week when I rake up the scattered leaves of wisdom that have fallen from the tree of writing during my 15 years as a columnist, then offer them to you in a tightly sealed bag of literary knowledge, which happens to resemble a giant jack-o-lantern because we still haven’t used up the novelty trash bags we bought last Halloween.

It’s a weekly feature Publishers’ Digest has called “Insights every writer should know before deciding on a career in public sanitation,” and what The Master of Horror® Stephen King has heralded as “The kind of tips I would give, assuming I was still hooked on Percocet.”

But enough accolades!

When you consider that there were nine Muses in Greek mythology, you’d think finding yours would be pretty easy. In fact, I’m looking for mine right now. The Muses, as you probably know, were all extraordinarily beautiful women (remember, philosophers were all men back then), with names like Fallopia, Urethra, Tetracycline, Chlamydia, Herpes, etc., and were the daughters of mighty Zeus and the goddess of personified memory… uh, whose name escapes me. Each muse served as inspiration for different art forms, such as literature, oration, sculpture, music, Reuben sandwiches, and others. Continue reading Your writing muse is always the last place you look

Another visit from the Wienermobile leaves me feeling inadequate

Maybe it’s because I’m a man, but when I see a giant wienermobile approaching from behind in traffic, I tend to drive a little more defensively. Such was the case this morning when I noticed the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile in my rearview mirror. Though it’s been two years since the last time I was assigned to cover a big wiener (not counting election season), the sight of it immediately caused a flashback from 2012… [cue harp music and begin gauzy dream sequence…]

image After more than a decade of working in the high-pressure environment of our newsroom, where at any given moment you could find yourself surrounded by as many as two other journalists all typing at once, it takes a lot to get our adrenaline pumping. In fact, we have been at the epi-center of the national spotlight three times here in Florence. Sure, two occasions came after being singled out as having the nation’s highest rate of … (yawn) … retirees.

But the third time involved REAL explosives.

And a dead whale.

And quite possibly an unlicensed demolitions expert going through a divorce. This would explain using half a ton of dynamite to dispose of a rotting whale carcass that washed ashore, and how one onlooker literally chewed the fat after being struck by a piece if flying whale blubber. Continue reading Another visit from the Wienermobile leaves me feeling inadequate

Out of sheer frustration, I made a meme

I don’t know why, but this always chaps me: Carts left within arm’s reach of the corral. Parked 100 yards away and it’s too far to walk? I get that. Or maybe you’re an old smoker and you only have so much air left in your oxygen tank? I understand. Or possibly you’re meeting your wife at home and don’t want to waste a single second because the kids are gone until tomorrow, and walking an extra 50 feet could mean the difference between another round of “naughty airport security pat-down” or the sound of teenagers whining about dinner?

I totally understand.

But this… THIS!

You’re so close! Why not go the extra mile?

So when I saw this in the parking lot yesterday, I had to work through it by taking a photo and dealing with it in my own way…

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My rant is now officially over. Thank you for listening. And if this was you, let’s give another 10 percent and actually get that cart into the corral next time, huh? Because you’ll be the first one whining when your car gets dinged by a runaway cart.

Or runaway humor columnist…

Let’s face it, scientists: Some genes are meant to be folded

image It was 14 years ago this week that the bucardo mountain goat became extinct after a tree fell on the last of its species in northern Spain, prompting scientists to ponder the age-old question:

If a tree falls on a goat in the woods, does it make a sound?

To that end, U.S. and Spanish researchers are now collaborating to utilize cells preserved in liquid nitrogen to create the very first clone of an extinct species — beginning with the bucardo, whose scientific name is goatus stupidus. While I can appreciate the enormity of this scientific milestone, it also raises a fundamental question about our genetic science capabilities:

Should we duplicate an animal that wasn’t smart enough to avoid its own doom by moving a couple of hooves to the left? Continue reading Let’s face it, scientists: Some genes are meant to be folded