Tag: satire

Even a writer’s muse needs romance

I found this heart in my hair paste this morning; a gift from my Muse.
I found this heart in my hair paste this morning; a gift from my Muse.
Because this week’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing happens to fall on Valentine’s Day, it makes sense that we focus on tips for writing intimate love scenes. Or more specifically, how to effectively insert (see what I just did there?) descriptive phrases like:

“He grabbed her bare shoulders, caressing them with the kind of longing one only reserves for fresh-baked bread …”

And

“She de-pansed him in one quick motion, opening a floodgate of memories from freshman gym class…”

As you can see, this is a genre I am intimately familiar with because, as I’ve said before, you need to write what you know. And believe me, when it comes to intimacy no one knows it better than myself. That said, as a personal favor to 50 Shades author E.L. James, I will actually NOT be offering insights regarding the the ins-and-outs (See how I did that?) of writing descriptive lovemaking scenes. The reason is because her latest book, “14 Shades of Puce” is due out later today, and she is concerned many of you would recognize some of the techniques I would be discussing today.

In short, that “fresh bread” example wasn’t something I pulled out (are you following these?) just willy-nilly (Subtlety is important). Continue reading Even a writer’s muse needs romance

Aiken says he’s ‘Measure of a Man’ Congress needs

(Some of you may have noticed the new Long Awkward Pause badge off to the right. Go ahead and look… See? And although I would have put it there simply because it looks cool, it actually means I’ve become a regular contributor there beginning today. What follows is a snippet from my first hard-hitting assignment, which included driving to North Carolina to interview Clay Aiken. Here’s a snippet along with a link to the post at LAP. And I promise to never again say “snippet” and “link” together in the same sentence…)

image RALEIGH, N.C. —  My interview with singer and 2003 American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken began with a tour of North Carolina’s second Congressional district. As I sat on the back of his bedazzled Vespa motor scooter, Aiken seemed to take pride in his city, as well as take corners so sharply I had to squeeze his waist. Though he formally announced his bid for Congress a week ago, Aiken told me more than once that he’s no politician.

“I’m no politician!” he shouted over his shoulder, then swerved to avoid a cloud of mosquitoes. “Woooo! Shields down!”

Some speculate that his run against Republican incumbent Renee Ellmers is a publicity stunt aimed at putting him back in the spotlight for the release of his next album, Aiken for Change, which coincidentally happens to be his campaign slogan. When asked about this, the American Idol star abruptly brought the scooter to a stop in a rundown South Raleigh neighborhood known for its high crime rate and low employment. He removed his helmet and raised a finger, prepared to reply with a well-thought rebuttal, then quickly put his helmet back on.

“Oh darn,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean to stop in THIS neighborhood!” (More here at LAP)

Evidence found in our newsroom suggests ‘Rose’ looked nothing like Kate Winslet

"Skippy" the rabid, blindfolded squirrel.
“Skippy” the rabid, blindfolded squirrel.
RELEASE THE SQUIRREL!!

Wait! Before you start rifling through your official Winter Olympics program in search of an event that neither you nor the Olympic Committee knew existed because it’s on at 3 a.m., I should clarify that this battle cry has nothing to do with an Alabama-style Biathlon with live squirrels.

What it means is that it’s time once again for The Box, an exciting Tuesday feature that combines the drama of investigative journalism with the thrill of a wild, blindfolded squirrel. Think of Keith Morrison teaming up with John Quinones, except that Keith Morrison has rabies and might bite John Quinones.

Each week, I put my 15 years of journalistic experience to the test by identifying a randomly chosen photograph that has remained unclaimed in our newsroom since as far back as the 1980s. What makes this weekly feature unique is the photo selection process, which involves:

1) Me dumping The Box of photos directly onto the floor, and;

2) Yelling “RELEASE THE SQUIRREL!” before turning “Skippy” loose in our newsroom.

The photo nearest the first person who screams is selected! Continue reading Evidence found in our newsroom suggests ‘Rose’ looked nothing like Kate Winslet

Men: time is runing out if you want to avoid being a Love Dunce

As a public service to men everywhere, I am hereby issuing the following announcement:

Love Dunce Valentine’s Day is this FRIDAY!

If you are married, have a girlfriend or, for reasons of your own, feel a need to continue the charade of dating a Swedish airline stewardess who is always out of town, it’s time to start planning something romantic. For those of you in the latter category, this will be easy since the only person you have to worry about pleasing is yourself.

And, yes — I plan to clarify that last statement immediately.

What I mean is that every male currently in a relationship with an actual living female could, by Feb. 15, all be dating the same fictitious Swedish airline stewardess should they fail to impress their Valentines. As a result, men everywhere are panicking because we know that impressing the women in our lives isn’t easy. We realize that you are complicated creatures who need more than a physical connection when it comes to romance; you also need an emotional outlet in order to feel satisfied.

Men, on the other hand, just need an outlet located near the television. Continue reading Men: time is runing out if you want to avoid being a Love Dunce

Thanks to Alan King, this week’s Nickel’s Worth is on me. Literally.

Alan W. King (photo by Marlene Hawthorne Thomas)
Alan W. King (photo by Marlene Hawthorne Thomas)

For regular readers of this blog, I know what you’re thinking:
“I’ve seen pictures of Ned before, and I remember him being… older. And slightly more Caucasian.”

That’s because it’s a photo of Alan W. King, whose work as a journalist and blogger is best described as continued excellence. I’ve been a follower of his for a while, so when he recently began an interview series called “Writers and Their Process,” I was thrilled when he asked me to be a part of it.

Okay, fine — I screamed like a 13-year-old girl who finds herself on an elevator with Harry Styles. Continue reading Thanks to Alan King, this week’s Nickel’s Worth is on me. Literally.

New Olympic events promise even fewer viewers for biathlon

image Welcome to the final installment of our four-part Winter Olympic preview, 20 Reasons to Be a Summer Olympian! Today, we’ll be introducing the six new and exciting events making their debut — or five really, since one of them is another biathlon event. Okay, four if you consider Team Figure Skating. Of course, there’s also the new Luge Team Relay, which proves there’s no “I” in Luge Team; because unless I can’t find the remote, “I” probably won’t be watching.

But hey! That doesn’t mean we aren’t going to offer the same in-depth look at these events as we are Women’s Ski Jumping, mens and women’s Ski Halfpipe, and the Sochi Commode Relay, which pits the endurance needed for Russian cuisine against a limited number of working toilets. Continue reading New Olympic events promise even fewer viewers for biathlon

Is Pluto a planet or whiner? This and four other questions I answered for The Hook

image Today I had the privilege of riding an elevator with a hotel bellman who simply goes by the name of The Hook. I can only assume it’s a nickname based on his ability to multitask with people’s luggage, and not in reference to a past crime he may or may not have committed. Regardless of the reason, he is a genuinely nice guy with an exceptional sense of humor who likes to ask a lot of questions. By the time we reached my room on the second floor, we had discussed everything from whether Pluto is getting a raw deal, to the best thing about being Justin Bieber. Believe it or not, I actually had answers to those along with three other equally penetrating questions — which I swear isn’t as painful as it sounds.

Here’s the link to our conversation on The Hook…

Let the Winter Games begin! (Before I get sued)

image Hello and welcome to the next installment of our groundbreaking (at least in terms of blatant copyright infringement) four-part Winter Olympics preview:

20 Reasons to Be a Summer Olympian

Today, we will be focusing on some of the most dangerous and exciting events at the winter games. Events like Luge, Skeleton and Ski Jumping. Events that require an extraordinary amount of physical and mental conditioning before an Olympic hopeful, such as myself, can compete without soiling his polymer body suit. While I’ve never actually trained for a spot on the U.S. Luge team per se, I experienced something very similar in the winter of 1999, when I slipped in the snow and landed on what rescuers believe was a discarded Volkswagen hubcap. Continue reading Let the Winter Games begin! (Before I get sued)

Lawn-mowing frenzy linked to distracted reader

A new law may prohibit my book from being read while driving a riding mower.
HATSOL Surveillance Team members managed to get this photo before police closed the area.
According to a court summons I just received, my book is now under scrutiny following an incident in which a woman went on a riding-mower spree that cut large swaths through nearly four acres of neighboring yards, including several flower beds and three mailboxes. The woman, who would only identify herself as “MamaMickTerry,” was clutching a copy of Humor at the Speed of Life when police traced her to an equipment shed behind her home, where she was still sitting on the industrial-sized mower in question.

“She kept repeating a passage from the book. Something about mowing over Ned Hickson’s hibachi,” said officer Bill Schlependorf, head of the local landscape crimes division. “We tracked her down by forming a grid. Then we stepped out of the grid and followed a six-foot wide path of debris through a series of hydrangea bushes to her shed. That’s where we found her, still clutching the book and mumbling that she would ‘…show Ned what a REAL mower looks like!'” Continue reading Lawn-mowing frenzy linked to distracted reader

According to this review, my book could be the next Magic 8-Ball

Robyn Lawson, aka ""Blog Woman!" consults my book for its wisdom. Keep looking, Robyn...
Robyn L., aka “Blog Woman!” consults my book for its wisdom. Keep looking, Robyn…
Before getting to the most recent review of my book, I have been instructed by my lawyer to issue the following disclaimer:

Warning: Humor at the Speed of Life should not be considered a substitute for a certified life coach, or used as guide in making major life decisions, or even deciding on what to have for dinner. Should you decide to use it for this purpose by randomly picking passages in a fashion similar to a Magic 8-Ball, results may vary, particularly if you happen to choose anything from the section Women are from Venus and Men Won’t Ask for Directions.

That said, I’d like to thank Robyn L. from Blog Woman!!! for this insightful review that has made my lawyer more nervous than Justin Bieber getting dropped off in Compton… Continue reading According to this review, my book could be the next Magic 8-Ball