Tag: satire

I’ve never, ever had too much coffee. Until now.

I hope to blink soon.
I hope to blink soon.
Not until settling into my spot here at the library, for what I hope is the last day of manuscript revisions, did I begin to suspect I may have had too much coffee this morning. My first clue was a remark from someone I was chatting with who, in mid-sentance, suddenly remarked: “Did you know you never blink?”

I laughed. “Of course I do. I’m blinking right now.”

“Um, no. You’re not. Seriously — can you blink?”

The problem began last night, when I stayed up until midnight working on the final draft, then was up again this morning at 5 a.m. for a walk with my wife. We drank coffee together at a small diner along the way, then came home to more coffee. Then another cup during my Thursday morning visit with my Mom — followed by a trip to the drive-thru at Dutch Bros for a large Carmelizer before arriving at the library. Continue reading I’ve never, ever had too much coffee. Until now.

From across the table…

Just to prove that I am actually at the library working on the final draft of my manuscript, and not sitting at the Beachcomber with a bottle of Dos Eques and a basket of hot wings, this is my current view from across the small table I am now sharing.

image

For some reason, I’m really craving some chicken fingers right now…

Even major news outlets are asking for… The Door

The Door in our newsroom. No, really...
The Door in our newsroom. No, really…
Even after turning down an angry Barbara Walters (“DWOP DEAD!”) and a still-sleeping Brit Hume (“Phhhhhhhh-zzzzzzzz”), major news networks like ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX and The 700 Club are continuing to call me about The Door, hoping to get an exclusive on what Brian Williams called “The most important contribution to journalism since that new girl on ‘Wipe-Out.'” Just this morning, John Quinones called my cell phone, demanding access to our newsroom with a camera crew, saying, “What would YOU do — if I kicked your skinny white CULO!”

For those of you wondering what all the fuss is about, I should explain that The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance) is located in our newsroom and is home to a collection of the best and worst examples of newspaper journalism, clipped and pasted to it by reporters here at Siuslaw News since the 1970s — back when truth was defined in black and white, yet the line between nose hair and mustaches was a little grey. For more than 40 years, The Door has served as a sentinel, preserving journalistic history while, simultaneously, preserving breathable air serving as the door to our commode. Continue reading Even major news outlets are asking for… The Door

On vacation… at the keyboard

This is what I look like in deep thought. Or trying to get something out of my tooth. Or when there's a fly in the library.
This is what I look like in deep thought. Or trying to get something out of my tooth. Or when there’s a fly in the library.
I am on VACATION, BABY! And I will be spending the next seven days, between 10 a.m. and 6 p.m., enjoying the luxurious accommodations of…

Our local library.

If you’re looking for me, I’ll be the one hunched over my ipad in a cubical near the “Periodicals” section, working on the final draft of my book, Humor at the Speed of Life, which is due Aug. 16. I realize my deadline is a whole month away. I also realize I am easily distracted, which is why I chose to put myself in a cubical, away from television, snacks, my beautiful wife and reliable wi-fi service. However, I don’t plan to be a total slacker. I will still be posting this week’s entry for The Door tomorrow, as well as Flashback Sunday on… uh, Sunday.

If you happen to be in the neighborhood of the Siuslaw Public Library, stop in and say “Hi!” But not too loudly; the librarian carries a taser — and she has really good aim. If I’m laying facedown, it’s only because I’m concentrating really hard.

Or I’ve been tased.

Either way, I’ll be glad to see you.

Impress your friends and family! Freak out on a carnival ride

(If you know what today is, raise your right hand. Great! If you know what we do here each Sunday, raise your left hand. Fantastic! Now, with both hands in the air, walk to the medicine cabinet and take your medication — because if you believe I can actually see what you’re doing, there are more important things you need to deal with than reading today’s Flashback Sunday. For the rest of you, it’s time once again to delve into the Flashback archives, back to a time when all comments left by readers started with “I am liking your site very well!”; back when I made the empty promise of a free kitten to every new follower; back to a time when I thought “Freshly Pressed” was website offering the latest weight lifting records…)

Squirrel Cages I have a basic rule of thumb when it comes to carnival rides: If the person running a ride, such as the Squirrel Cages, keeps a garden hose available for spraying out the seats, I stay away.

That’s because this person’s sole ambition is to make me — and others like me — vomit. I realize this person may be a trained professional who, on a daily basis, makes countless split-second decisions on whether to push the red or green button to stop the ride. And, yes, I realize this individual has nothing but the safety of his passengers in mind when he secures a safety latch by removing his boot and whacking it until his arm gets tired, at which point, being a trained professional, he bolsters the confidence of his nervous riders by hacking up a cheekful of phlegm and shrugging his shoulders before walking off. Continue reading Impress your friends and family! Freak out on a carnival ride

Part two: My interview with self-proclaimed best-selling author Ima Knowitall

Fifty Shades of Time-Traveling Vampire Love, is going live on self-publishing sites everywhere tomorrow. As one agent at Random Day said, “this book has caused a buzz in the publishing world louder than a circling fly…”)

image As I mentioned in my first interview, Ima Knowitall is the author of more than 40 online novels this past year, and was recently honored by the Society of Illiterate Columnists (SIC) for her contributions to “…the advancement of people who write without the shackles of proper grammar.” So landing an interview with an author of this caliber on the eve of her latest release was — as Ima described something she found in her taco — a total surprise.

For those of you who might’ve missed the first part of my interview with Ima because, for example, you just recently gave up life as a Quaker, I should explain that our breakfast interview had been interrupted by the untimely arrival of the health department while waiting for a taco omelette at Sam N’ Ella’s restaurant. Since there was no time to get anything to-go because Sam and Ella had already left through the back window, we had decided to take our interview somewhere else. Continue reading Part two: My interview with self-proclaimed best-selling author Ima Knowitall

The verdict is in: we the jury are free to go

image So as it turns out, the closest I got to witnessing any courtroom drama today was while sitting in the jury assembly room watching the Zimmerman trial on Court TV. Apparently, the defendant in the case WE were scheduled to hear this morning never showed. As a result, at approximately 11 a.m., “Municipal Betty,” who registered me when I arrived, stood before us and thanked us for our service before sending us on our way.

“None of you will have to worry about seeing this building again for two years,” she said. But as I walked by, she whispered, “Except for you, depending on what you do with that stolen car.”

“That really depends on you, ” I said, “and whether you want it back.”

Next stop: Circuit court!

For all of you who kept me company in the jury assembly room via my blog, many thanks 😉 Especially you, Lisa and Jen

And to Is Everyone an Idiot But Me, it was nice to meet you.

I was picked first! …for jury duty

image I just reported for jury duty a few minutes ago. My third time in two years. When I handed in my juror sheet to the registration desk, the women looked it over.

“Where did you park? We have free parking across the street.”

“I stole a car,” I replied.

“You know,” she said after giving me a long look, “if I had the power, I would totally excuse you.”

This post proves even God likes to use… The Door

The Door, which spellcheck instinctively keeps suggesting I call The Odor.
The Door which spellcheck appropriately enough keeps suggesting I call The Odor.
Some of you may remember the request from Barbara Walters last week for an interview about what she described as The Door’s “Journa-wistic and histowical impowtance,” and how, after denying her request for an interview, she told me to “DWOP DEAD!” Then you can imagine my surprise when, early this morning, the sleepy-eyed Brit Hume called just long enough to introduce himself before promptly falling asleep on the other end of the line. For any of you who have tried calling me this morning only to get a busy signal for the last two hours, it’s because the line is still open, with Hume snoring on the other end. Hopefully, someone will wake him for hair and make-up soon.

In the meantime, for those of you who may be new to The Door because, for example, you stumbled onto this post looking for home improvement tips, I’ll tell you it is a weekly feature that spotlights the best and worst in journalism that reporters here at Siuslaw News have been clipping and gluing to our newsroom door since the 1970s, back when journalists were looking for any excuse to open a tube of glue. Each Tuesday, we spotlight an entry from our newsroom door which, in addition to being the equivalent to a journalistic Smithsonian here on the Oregon coast, is also a time capsule of sorts, sealing up a different kind of journalistic history once the commode is flushed on the other side. Continue reading This post proves even God likes to use… The Door

Answering your painful questions about my softball season

(If you’re someone who doesn’t normally have flashbacks on a regular basis, but wants to start having them, this blog can help! And without expensive prescription medication or those annoying side effects, such as abdominal bleeding, thoughts of suicide or liver failure! That’s right! Welcome to Flashback Sunday, when we dig into the archives to a time before I had any readers who weren’t in the coma ward at Hackensaw Hospital; back when talking openly to a woman about your blog led to slap in the face; back when “Freshly Pressed” was a dry cleaners on Crenshaw Blvd. Today’s flashback is from 2004, when readers of my newspaper column wanted to know how my first season of men’s softball was going. You’ll be sorry they asked. I know I was…)

imageA few weeks ago I mentioned joining a men’s softball team after not participating in anything athletic since (conservative estimate) the golden era of dodgeball in the early ‘70s. In response, I have received letters and emails offering encouragement, support and, in an isolated incident, a lucky athletic cup from someone named “Derek.”

Admittedly, I was curious as to what qualified this particular cup as “lucky.” His response should be a lesson to us all regarding the dangers of continuous baseball usage.

“I used to get hit — there — almost every game,” Derek explained. “Sometimes two or three times. But my [censored] never got hurt.”

Though he didn’t mention it, I suspect Derek also has a “lucky” batting helmet. Continue reading Answering your painful questions about my softball season