…TAT-tat-tat-TAT-TAT-tat-tat-TAT…
[Breaking News: from another strangely irrelevant moment in our newsroom…]
Being a journalist at a small newspaper means, in addition to writing stories and taking photos, you also layout and build the pages. And clean the toilets. But for purposes of this post, we’ll stick to this afternoon’s page-building incident, which began when I made a “filler ad” to take up a tiny space on the page too small for anything else… Continue reading … This Just In …
You should be aware that the idea of promoting an important issue through a week of “National Awareness” has gotten… How can I put this tactfully..?
Really stupid.
There was a time when, in order to command the attention of our entire country for a whole week, you actually needed to have an issue that was important. It needed to be something that could save lives, improve society or, at the very least, boost the sale of Hallmark cards.
But not anymore.
I say this because, as you may or may not know, we’re in the middle of “National Psychic Week.” What? You didn’t know? Don’t worry! There’s actually another one in August. That’s the good news. The bad news is that there’s a good chance you are not psychic. According to one website, the purpose of each week-long focus is to: “dispel skepticism [of psychics] through factual awareness.”
Thanks to an article that appeared in the Eugene Register-Guard, I have a better understanding of how it might take an entire week to dispel all that skepticism — especially after reading about Ulf Buck, a blind psychic from Meldorf, Germany, who claims he can read people’s futures by feeling their naked buttocks. Continue reading When it comes to looking ahead, look no further than your behind
Welcome to this week’s edition of Post Traumatic Sunday, which are all posts involving my ex-wife. None of them have appeared on this blog before, and only a couple were included in my book. Though none of these posts will be mean-spirited or vindictive, it’s easy to recognize I was someone coping with an unhappy marriage through humor. Eight years later, I am happily re-married (ridiculously so) and inspired to write — and laugh — for the right reasons.
Finally, we can all laugh together…
* * * * * *
It’s a well-known fact that men and women think differently. This is because of the right and left hemispheres of the brain. While women tend to rely on the more creative, right hemisphere of the brain, which is responsible for verbal skills and abstract thoughts, men favor the more technical left side of the brain, which is mainly reserved for thoughts of sports and beer. Continue reading Who knew navigating heavy traffic meant being in the right hemisphere?
I come from a long line of alcoholics. Truth be told, the roots of my family tree are probably located in a beer garden.
For this reason, I was determined to break the cycle and be the first member of my family to remember most of his 20s and 30s, not develop a beer gut and actually know who all of my kids are.
I was genuinely frightened of carrying a gene I assumed had its own alcohol content — which is why I didn’t crack open my first beer until I was 20; in a moment of weakness; working under the blistering Texas sun; because there was no water or soda; and I had just read about spontaneous human combustion. Continue reading Don’t do as I drink (and other lessons my father unintentionally taught me)
“A complete…time.”
And
“(Not a)…waste…”
Or as The Master of Horror® Stephen King calls it, “My lawyer’s first stop every morning.”
But enough with the accolades! For those who might be visiting for the first time, I’d like to welcome you! I’d also like a note from your mother explaining where you’ve been. Please have it by next Friday. Or like my kids, just wait, knowing I’ll probably have forgotten by then. Although I do eventually remember who they are. Continue reading The night my rump was roasted — a hindsight retrospective
Many of those who followed my live coverage of the Oscars on Sunday night have been asking how I managed to post insider reports as they happened while remaining at home in my pajamas, and nowhere near Hollywood. And until this photo was leaked on Twitter, I had no intention of revealing my secret. However, in light of this recent development, I feel the need to explain. Continue reading I can explain…
Every office has its odd ball. You know, that member who’s just a little different from the rest of the staff? Our editorial room at Siuslaw News is no exception. It’s just that our odd ball happens to be a rabid, blindfolded squirrel named “Skippy.” But like every odd ball, he is uniquely qualified to perform a certain function that no one can do quite as well. Which is why, in spite of the risk of being attacked and bitten, I continue working with our editor; because she has the final say on keeping Skippy.
What is Skippy’s function? To assist me each Tuesday in choosing a random photo from The Box, which is a collection of unclaimed and unidentified photos in our newsroom dating back to the 1980s. The selection process begins with me dumping the contents of The Box onto the floor of our newsroom after my fellow reporters are deep in thought (drooling on their keyboards). To assure that the selection process is completely random, I then yell “RELEASE THE SQUIRREL!” and let Skippy loose in the newsroom. The photo closest to the first reporter to scream — whether it be a man or woman — is chosen. Continue reading Photo from The Box reveals link to Harry Potter, Hunger Games
Being a journalist, I am bringing you Academy Awards updates and observations throughout the evening LIVE! As they happen!
On my television…
In a surprise win, the Oscar for Best Picture went to “12 Years a Slave.” In his acceptance speech, Brad Pitt thanked the Academy and pointed out that “The best film of the year doesn’t have to be a big-budget, big star-driven movie like Gravity.” Moments later he was tragically struck by a falling chandelier.
Being a journalist, I am bringing you Academy Awards updates and observations throughout the evening LIVE! As they happen!
On my television…
Cate Blanchett won for Best Actress, becoming the first major award winner of the evening that wasn’t associated with “Gravity.” In an ironic twist, she tripped on her way out and landed on her face. Proving that everything actually IS associated with gravity.
Being a journalist, I am bringing you Academy Awards updates and observations throughout the evening LIVE! As they happen!
On my television…
Okay, for those who have been unable to watch the Oscars this year due to unavoidable circumstances (The Walking Dead), here are the winners so far:
Anyone who had anything to do with the movie “Gravity.”
The Academy even created a new award recognizing the planet Earth for having gravity…
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