I’d like to thank Erica at Thoughts of a Lunatic for the chance to be a guest on her blog, and for the opportunity to share my thoughts on the value of regret…
Do you feel a draft? It’s time to revise your manuscript
Hey, it’s Friday! What? Still not good enough? What if I also told you it’s time for Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing! Okay fine. But it’s still Friday and you should be happy. I know I am. Especially after Publisher’s Weekly recently called my Nickel’s Worth “…writing tips that are worth every penny, unless you factor in the cost of inflation.” So we obviously both have a lot to be thankful for today. However, before we get to this week’s NWOW, I’d like to point out how the image accompanying this post is…
Uhhh ladies? Eyes over here please.
Thank you. As I was saying, the image is one I’m sure many of you remember — some in amazing detail. Although my wife still isn’t completely convinced, I’d like to clarify those are not my actual cheeks. Sorry. But as a journalist, I felt the need to explain that in the interest of full disclosure. And the image for THAT post will remain somewhere on my wife’s iPod. Just like the image above, this post — which is about the importance of manuscript revision — is probably one you remember.
Okay, just the cheeks then.
I still feel a need to explain why I’m re-running a post from last year instead of something new, the reasons for which are a mixed blessing. And by that I don’t mean there is a priest standing behind me with his hand raised saying, “Um, I’m still not sure about this, Ned. Let’s talk about your mid-20s again…” Continue reading Do you feel a draft? It’s time to revise your manuscript
Unidentified Canadian man, dog (also Canadian) caught with copy of my book
Another compelling photo contributed by members of the elite HATSOL (Humor at the Speed of Life) surveillance team has arrived, providing evidence that 1) Canadians love sharing a laugh with their pets, and 2) Canadian pets aren’t as easily amused.
As always, we’ve gone to great lengths to protect the identity of the individuals in the photograph, utilizing the latest technology to ensure their privacy isn’t jeopardized. So don’t even bother asking me who it is because I won’t tell you. And definitely think twice before trying to trick me into revealing their identities with some clever device, such as pretending to ask an innocent question like, “Hey, isn’t that Whats-his-name and his dog So-and-so?”
Due to my years of training as an investigative journalist, my conditioned response will be a swift, “No, that isn’t Whats-his-name and his dog So-and-so, and I wouldn’t tell you it was Ross Murray and his dog Bella even if it was — so don’t even try.” Continue reading Unidentified Canadian man, dog (also Canadian) caught with copy of my book
That time I found Stephen King hiding in our newsroom
HE’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU! AAAAAH!
Haha! Just kidding! That’s just “Skippy” the rabid, blindfolded squirrel. WAIT! Not behind you — I mean to the left! Oh man! As you can see, even just talking about the The Master of Horror© Stephen King can put people on edge. So you can imagine my shock finding him among the hundreds of unclaimed and unidentified photos that have been piled into The Box in our newsroom since the 1980s. Regular readers of this weekly feature know I normally dump the contents of The Box onto the floor of our newsroom and randomly choose a photo. This is achieved through a technical four-step selection process:
Step 1) Wait until my fellow reporters are deep in thought (asleep) thinking about important news stories
Step 2) Suddenly and without warning yell “RELEASE THE SQUIRREL!” and let “Skippy” loose in the newsroom.
Step 3) Select the photo closest to the first person who screams.
Step 4) Get yelled at by my editor Continue reading That time I found Stephen King hiding in our newsroom
Were you mesmerized (fell asleep) watching the Golden Globes too?
As you probably know, we have now entered the annual “awards show” season, which officially began with the Golden Globe Awards, and is due to wrap up some time in April, when David Hasselhoff hosts the coveted Intoxicated Karaoke Performance Awards live from Tijuana, Mexico.
Every year, I watch at least some of these awards shows because, as a columnist, it’s important for me to keep up with cultural trends. I also watch because seeing Nicki Minaj always makes me feel better about the way I dress. However, according to a recent poll, ratings for awards shows have actually dropped. So much so that programming executives are calling it “an alarming trend.”
Personally, I think the word “alarming” is a little strong. Continue reading Were you mesmerized (fell asleep) watching the Golden Globes too?
Setting things straight with the American Chiropractic Association
(Welcome to Flashback Sunday! If you’re here, that means you’ve either (1) stumbled onto this blog completely by accident (so relax, you have an excuse), 2) You’re here for the first time because someone recommended it (a good excuse to find new friends), or 3) You’re a regular reader of this blog (for which there is no excuse). Whatever the reason, thanks for joining us for this week’s flashback, which is my excuse to pull something out of the archives you probably missed (But I’m sure you had a good excuse…)
We all make mistakes. The difference is, when you make one, you probably don’t get contacted by someone from the American Chiropractic Association in Arlington, Virginia.
Or maybe you do.
In which case you may want to consider leaving this blog right now and going in for an adjustment.
But unless you mistakenly informed readers that last month was National Correct Posture Month when, in fact, we’re all free to slouch until May, I’m guessing you’ve never gotten an email from Angela Kargus, Communications and Public Relations Manager for the ACA.
There are two things I know about Angela:
1) She is very nice.
2) She probably has excellent posture.
I also know she read my column a couple of weeks ago. As Angela pointed out, it proclaimed “National Correct Posture Month” in the wrong month and also provided recommendations on how to avoid slouching that Angela informed me were “outdated.” Continue reading Setting things straight with the American Chiropractic Association
Me, myself and why: Learn to avoid yourself when writing in first-person
It’s time for Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, a weekly feature that Publishers Digest has called “Tips from a writer worth his salt. And we all know how expensive salt is…” For those who might be visiting for the first time, perhaps at gun point (thanks Mom!), this is when I draw upon my 15 years as a newspaper columnist to offer writing tips some people have mistaken as insightful. Occasionally even inflammatory. Depending on what they ate the night before. I’d like to point out that today’s topic actually came from blogger Michelle at MamaMickTerry, who asked:
What are the compositional and elemental changes in astral rock once it passes through a solar flare?
Since she is the first person to ever ask me that question, we will be talking about first-person perspective in writing, and why it’s important to avoid overuse of “I” “Me” “My” and “Astral Rock.” Continue reading Me, myself and why: Learn to avoid yourself when writing in first-person
Phase two of my book promo plan: Anonymous surveillance photos of recipients
This means that, in addition to the possibility of a class-action lawsuit, it’s time for me to begin Phase Two of my genius promotional plan:
Gathering anonymous surveillance photos of book recipients.
This will be accomplished through a network of what I’ve been told is “The best group of undercover photographers money can buy, without exceeding a budget of $45 and various Taco Bell coupons.” Because the scope of Phase Two is growing fast, new members for this elite surveillance team are needed.
Desired even.
And for many of you, that’s probably enough enticement. Continue reading Phase two of my book promo plan: Anonymous surveillance photos of recipients
That time (three minutes ago) when I didn’t know my book was on Amazon
As most of you know, I am a marketing and promotional genius — at least when compared to the release of Beyonce’s latest album. In fact, my avoidance of the typical hype that surrounds a book promotion has been so effective that, until three minutes ago, even I didn’t know my book had become available at Amazon and Barnes & Noble.
Naturally, this is all part of my calculated effort as a marketing genius to appear aloof and disinterested, therefore creating such an aura of mystery about myself and the book that people can’t stop asking the question:
Do you think Chris Harrison is ever going to be The Bachelor?
This is a marketing strategy designed to build momentum over a longer period, therefore sustaining interest. In fact, if my calculations are correct — and they always are regardless of what my sixth-grade teacher said — my current rate of marketing momentum should reach full speed at some point during my eulogy. I should point out this approach is contrary to the “sudden explosion of excitement” strategy which, as we all know, often leads to a sudden drop in performance. Continue reading That time (three minutes ago) when I didn’t know my book was on Amazon
Remote-controlled rats, husbands could mark beginning of Brave New World (and yes, I’m scared)
As I’ve mentioned before, because of our home’s proximity to the local wharf, from time to time we have a problem with rodents. Now, when I say “rodents,” I mean rats, and when I say “problem,” I mean finding mysterious entries scrawled on our grocery list that read:
Git mor cheeez.
However, I know that we aren’t alone in this, and that our neighbors undoubtedly have the same rodent problem. I know this because 1) They are our neighbors, and therefore live as close to the wharf as we do, and 2) Because we routinely lob assorted cheese curds into their yards before going to bed.
[Note to neighbors: We are NOT trying to entice the rats from our house into yours; we’re simply trying to entice you to eat more cheese.]
That said, some recent discoveries could change the way we go about solving our rat problem. According to a recent article in the journal Nature, researchers at the State University of New York have created the world’s first living remote-controlled rat. By implanting tiny electrodes in rats’ brains, scientists can command the rats to turn left or right, climb trees, navigate mazes, and, in some cases, stage dramatic light saber duels while dressed as tiny Star Wars characters. Continue reading Remote-controlled rats, husbands could mark beginning of Brave New World (and yes, I’m scared)
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