Tag: Culture

Out of sheer frustration, I made a meme

I don’t know why, but this always chaps me: Carts left within arm’s reach of the corral. Parked 100 yards away and it’s too far to walk? I get that. Or maybe you’re an old smoker and you only have so much air left in your oxygen tank? I understand. Or possibly you’re meeting your wife at home and don’t want to waste a single second because the kids are gone until tomorrow, and walking an extra 50 feet could mean the difference between another round of “naughty airport security pat-down” or the sound of teenagers whining about dinner?

I totally understand.

But this… THIS!

You’re so close! Why not go the extra mile?

So when I saw this in the parking lot yesterday, I had to work through it by taking a photo and dealing with it in my own way…

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My rant is now officially over. Thank you for listening. And if this was you, let’s give another 10 percent and actually get that cart into the corral next time, huh? Because you’ll be the first one whining when your car gets dinged by a runaway cart.

Or runaway humor columnist…

Let’s face it, scientists: Some genes are meant to be folded

image It was 14 years ago this week that the bucardo mountain goat became extinct after a tree fell on the last of its species in northern Spain, prompting scientists to ponder the age-old question:

If a tree falls on a goat in the woods, does it make a sound?

To that end, U.S. and Spanish researchers are now collaborating to utilize cells preserved in liquid nitrogen to create the very first clone of an extinct species — beginning with the bucardo, whose scientific name is goatus stupidus. While I can appreciate the enormity of this scientific milestone, it also raises a fundamental question about our genetic science capabilities:

Should we duplicate an animal that wasn’t smart enough to avoid its own doom by moving a couple of hooves to the left? Continue reading Let’s face it, scientists: Some genes are meant to be folded

My tips for Tim McGraw on how not to excite women

This is just like most of my public appearances, except without the women. Or security. Or anything, really...
This is just like most of my public appearances, except without the women. Or security. Or anything, really…
As I watched the recent footage of a female fan clawing at Tim McGraw’s pant leg, causing him to shove her hand away in an attempt to avoid being dragged into a sea of crazed women, I silently nodded my head in understanding.

Being that my job has kept me in the public eye for more than a decade, I have some advice for the country superstar when it comes to avoiding overzealous women trying to get their hands on you:

Become a humor columnist.

In the last 15 years, the closest I’ve come to having a strange woman grab at me was during a fundraiser dinner, when part of my pulled-pork sandwich went down the wrong way and a nurse in the audience gave me the Heimlich Maneuver. Continue reading My tips for Tim McGraw on how not to excite women

Being on a roll is good, unless you’re skating downhill

image It’s been more than 250 years since John Joseph Merlin invented the roller skate. Considering that there were no cement sidewalks, asphalt streets or concrete half-pipes in 1760, then one can only assume Mr. Merlin’s intention was to commit suicide.

Hmmm, running myself into a wall at full speed probably won’t do the me in. But maybe if I was rolling down a hill..?!?

I thought about this during a recent trip to Eugene, which is the closest big city to us and home to many University of Oregon students who roller skate through downtown. They do this as a way to leave a smaller carbon footprint, which is ironic considering I go through twice as much carbon in my brake pads by trying to avoid hitting them in traffic. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a roller-skate prude shaking his fist at a generation of whippersnappers with their fancy moves and ibuprofen-free flexibility. In fact, it wasn’t long ago (Okay, 10 years *cough cough*) I was lacing up my own skates in a show of dexterity rivaling any speed-skating Olympian suffering a leg cramp at 40 mph. Continue reading Being on a roll is good, unless you’re skating downhill

Please root for me at the World Soccer Cup

Just a heads up that I’m going to be a little busy today. I think I’m ready for the challenge. I’ve done my stretches and had five Red Bulls. Please root for me as I take on Costa Rica…

I think my biggest challenge will be passing the ball to myself.
I think my biggest challenge will be passing the ball to myself.

I wonder if I will get called for “off-sides?”

A few questionable observations at the mall

My favorite part about visiting a mall? Meeting new friends!
My favorite part about visiting a mall? Meeting new friends!
We live in a small town. The closest thing we have to a mall experience is one-stop shopping for a bottle of Smirnoff, a chicken sandwich and roofing tar thanks to having a True Value hardware store, Subway restaurant and liquor store all joined by a single parking lot. This is the number one complaint by visiting teenaged tourists, who are often found rocking themselves into a coma when their devices lose cell service and they raise their heads to find they are in a wirelessly foresaken land of mall-less-ness.

“WE ARE IN A WIRELESSLY FORESAKEN LAND OF MALL-LESS-NESS!” I hear them scream.

But today I am laughing at them! Ha-Ha-HA! What makes today different? Because I am doing so from a really big mall. How big, you ask? I don’t mean to brag, but let’s just say it has an escalator. In fact, I can go ice skating, ride bumper cars and buy over-priced merchandise without even breaking a sweat. At least not until I get my credit card statement. Continue reading A few questionable observations at the mall

Today’s fireworks: About as exciting as burning my old socks

(Today, I’m up to bat with a new post at Long Awkward Pause, where I’m swinging for the fences and trying not to break the office furniture. Maybe now they’ll get me that Nerf bat…)

image Except for those living in Missouri, where the only fireworks restriction is a requirement that all skyrockets exceeding the length of a standard boat trailer be flagged during transport, most Americans have watched their Independence Day fireworks excitement dwindle from first-strike capability through the 1990s, to today’s wimpy sparklers and fountains with spark-spitting action equal to…

well…

…two sparklers tied together?

Americans age 30 and older remember having sparklers so bright they could see them through their eyelids. The bravest kids would spin them like propellers, showering crackling embers everywhere and knowing full well their eyebrows would grow back by September. The trend in fireworks wimpiness came as the result of restrictions by the National Council on Fireworks Safety in an effort to reduce fireworks-related injuries and deaths throughout the United States. Not counting Missouri, which apparently no one cares about. (For more, join me over at LAP!)

Science proves ‘dark gravity’ makes push-starting your car even harder

image I certainly feel a deeper kinship with the surrounding universe. Particularly after reading how, like my own waistline, it is continuing to expand as it gets older. According to an article in TIME magazine last week, astrophysicists at the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics are close to answering one of the fundamental mysteries of space: how members of the Kardashian family can take up so much of it in tabloids.

To fully understand this phenomena, researchers at the center have turned to a property of space called “dark matter,” which I promise only sounds like another Vin Diesel “Chronicles of Riddick” sequel. In fact, dark matter is something parents have suspected for eons, but astrophysicists have only now proven the existence of: An invisible matter with a gravitational force stronger than normal gravity that pulls in the opposite direction. It is this property that 1) keeps the universe expanding in spite of the pull of planets, and 2) naturally occurs in children, which explains their ability to pull parents in two directions at once. Continue reading Science proves ‘dark gravity’ makes push-starting your car even harder

Six reasons this morning needs a Long Awkward Pause

It’s Saturday morning, and that means I’m over at Long Awkward Pause chiming in with the rest of the staff for this week’s Saturday Six, which is a collection of six observations we probably should’ve kept to ourselves. This week’s topic? That “Sexy Mug Shot Guy” who made millions of women wish there was a Cell-Match.com…

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Katie: This is the first time I’ve thought sexy mugshot guy was actually sexy, and that’s only because he’s next to Ben Stiller.

BrainRants: I’m too hetero to comment on the sexiness of either guy, real or imagined, but if I had to, I’d pick Stiller because he’d get his junk zipped up and I’d be off the hook.

Ned: This is actually a “Before/After” photo: Before he knew he was sharing a cell; after meeting his cellmate, “Three-legged Jack.”

(Okay, I’m no mathematician, but I believe that leaves, uh… *removes one Dos Eques bottle from six-pack*… five more over at LAP)

One person’s mold is another person’s meat substitute

Am I the only one uncomfortable with the term "Naked Chik'n?"
Am I the only one uncomfortable with the term “Naked Chik’n?”
In today’s society, the relationship between carnivores and vegetarians is often tentative at best. Meat eaters look upon vegetarians with suspicion because, hey:
If we weren’t meant to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

Vegetarians, on the other hand, point out what separates us from animals is our ability to override our natural instinct, as human beings, to gag on tofu.

This uneasy co-existance is nothing new, and actually dates back to the very first vegetarian caveman who, after swearing-off meat in front of his clan and a panel of cave elders, was promptly eaten. Because of this, mistrust between carnivores and herbivores exists to this day. One example can be seen in the design of supermarkets, which strategically puts meat at the back of the store and fruits and vegetables near the front; should carnivores suddenly riot in the event of a rump roast shortage, herbivores will at least have a head start in getting to the exits. Continue reading One person’s mold is another person’s meat substitute