Tag: funny

My tips for celebrity men on how NOT to excite women

imageWe’ve all seen the images of crazed women grabbing at male celebrities like Ryan Gosling, Justin Bieber and Zac Efron.

We’ve watched the footage of a female fan clawing at Tim McGraw’s pant leg, causing him to shove her hand away in an attempt to avoid being dragged into a sea of crazed women.

As I write this, I silently nod my head in understanding.

Being that my job has kept me in the public eye for more than a decade, I have some advice for the country superstar when it comes to avoiding overzealous women trying to get their hands on you:

Become a humor columnist.

In the last 16 years, the closest I’ve come to having a strange woman grab at me was during a fundraiser dinner, when part of my pulled-pork sandwich went down the wrong way and a nurse in the audience gave me the Heimlich Maneuver.  Continue reading My tips for celebrity men on how NOT to excite women

Looking for some fireworks ideas? These won’t help

image Except for those living in Missouri, where the only fireworks restriction is a requirement that all skyrockets exceeding the length of a standard boat trailer be flagged during transport, most Americans have watched their Independence Day fireworks excitement dwindle from first-strike capability through the 1990s, to today’s wimpy sparklers and fountains with spark-spitting action equal to…

Ummm…

…lighting a pencil on fire?

Americans age 30 and older remember having sparklers so bright they could see them through their eyelids. The bravest kids would spin them like propellers, showering crackling embers everywhere and knowing full well their eyebrows would grow back by September. Continue reading Looking for some fireworks ideas? These won’t help

Hey! It’s Canada Day today, eh?

I have a LOT of Canadian friends.

Well, several at least.

Definitely a few (You know who you are, even if you don’t want others to know.) This morning, my wife pointed out that today is Canada Day! Why she knew this remains unclear. However, the important thing is it reminded us to apply for dual citizenship before November. Last year on A Star is Born, I had the opportunity to learn a lot about Canada during a round of competition that focused on the international community. I chose Canada because of its cultural diversity, great humor, something called “poutine,” and because it’s within driving distance.

Given that today is Canada Day, I’d like to offer this tribute to the Canadian people, many of whom are already preparing for American refugees in November…

The “Nedinator” special anniversary edition no one asked for

image A year ago today, hundreds of people tragically lost their eyesight as a result seeing me in a red thong for my role in “The Nedinator,” a 6-minute movie spoof that premiered in our local theater the same night as “The Terminator: Genysis.”

The movie was heralded by critics as “Ned’s best 6-minute performance.”

And my wife agrees.

For anyone who started following this blog after June last year, and who has wondered why there are so many references in the comments section about my red thong, rest assured you haven’t stumbled into a hive a kinky people. This is where it started. And, thanks to a court order siting “codes of human decency,” also where it ended.

The story behind the mini-movie is a long one, and is just as drama-filled as any Hollywood production — except with less silicone, money, sex, tantrums, Perrier, etc.

So, to celebrate the one-year anniversary…

Actually, “celebrate” might be a bit strong. How about “commemorate?” Like when there’s a tragedy?  Continue reading The “Nedinator” special anniversary edition no one asked for

A year ago today: Officially the strangest 15 minutes of my life

imageA year ago next Wednesday, the infamous “Terminator” spoof “The Nedinator” shocked the world! Or at least those who came to the premier at our local movie theater and witnessed me in a red thong on the big screen for 17 seconds.

Fortunately for everyone, we didn’t have the budget to make it in 3D.

To mark the anniversary, I’m putting together a Special Boxed Set Edition (at least in blogging terms) for next week.

In the meantime, this post from a year ago today explains how and why it all got started, just as I explained it to James Cameron’s lawyers…  Continue reading A year ago today: Officially the strangest 15 minutes of my life

Warning to Watsonville: This week, I’ll be eating all your fruit

Spring Break Road Sign with Dramatic Clouds and Sky

Over the years, my editor has offered to send me to many places. Usually in a raised voice. And often to a destination that is physically impossible for anyone who isn’t a skilled contortionist.

However, maybe it’s because of the unusually good weather we’re having in Oregon (not raining), or that she’s going on vacation soon, or possibly because there’s been another mix-up between her blood-pressure medicine and someone else’s painkillers.

Whatever the reason, she has given me the “thumbs up” to visit Watsonville, Calif., this week. Naturally, this was exciting news! At least once I got over the creepiness of her actually giving me a “thumbs up” sign.  Continue reading Warning to Watsonville: This week, I’ll be eating all your fruit

Even when writing fiction, honesty is the best policy

imageBeing a humor columnist, I am often asked:

“Where do you get this stuff?”
“How did you even think of that?”
“Do you just make this [censored] up?
“Isn’t marijuana legal in Oregon?”

The answer to all of those questions is a definitive “Yes,” particularly on Ballot Measure 5. However, each of the first three include an important addendum that reads as follows:

“While the consumption of humor shall be made available to everyone regardless of race, color, creed or whatever they happen to be eating that may unintentionally exit a nostril, the distributor of said humor is required to provide a basic standard of truthfulness, therefore guaranteeing consumers a more pure grade of laughter. At least until they try passing mixed-berry yogurt through their nose…”

If we cut through all that legal jargon prepared by snooty lawyers making seven-figure salaries somewhere in the back of my mind, there is a point: Elements of truth play an important part in all forms of good fiction.

There is also a secondary point, which is that I will probably never get a Dannon Yogurt endorsement.  Continue reading Even when writing fiction, honesty is the best policy

No matter who you choose, everyone wins

image

I almost titled this post “Beauty and the Best” because, let’s face it: humorist Ross Murray is certainly one of the best in the blogosphere. And considering I’m fresh from being named “Sexiest Male Blogger,” that would make me…

*waits for readers to finish process of elimination*

No need to rush, I’ll wait…

*whistles Dixie until lips get dry*

Never mind. It’s not important. The important thing is that each of us has been nominated for Funniest Blogger by London’s ABBA, a collective of blogger’s from around the world who are meeting in London this weekend for a huge convention that neither Ross or I can attend because, as I told Ross, “there’s no way I’m driving to London.”  Continue reading No matter who you choose, everyone wins

Consequences you can expect from horrible pick-up lines I overheard

image I’ve been ridiculously happily married for almost 10 years now, so the singles bar scene is a long-forgotten memory. Or maybe just a deeply repressed one.

At least until yesterday.

That’s when a friend came to town and invited me out for a quick beer. As we began catching up over Dos Equis, we couldn’t help but overhear a series of pick-up lines being exchanged by a group of 20-somethings who — at least in their minds, and thanks to several happy-hour pilsners each — had assembled a list of clever lines “no woman could resist.”

Their words, not mine.

In a moment, you’ll understand why.

As a service to single men everywhere, and in particular to that group of 20-somethings once they’ve sobered up, I felt obligated to jot down some of those “fail proof” pick-up lines and explain — through a “trial” and “error” format — what they can expect should those lines leave their mouths in the general direction of an actual living female, intoxicated or otherwise. Continue reading Consequences you can expect from horrible pick-up lines I overheard

A quick update on my sexiness

 

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Thinking Ned is sexy may be bad for your health.
SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Thinking Ned is sexy may be bad for your health.

This status update on my sexiness will be quick because, let’s be honest, it’s me we’re talking about. Those of you who have been following my inclusion in the “Who is the Sexiest Number” competition at The Public Blogger will be happy to know I’ve made the final three.

Ok, maybe “shocked” is a better word.

Either way, as we head into next week’s final round (June 5 & 6), it’s down to Thomas Lemke of Oklahoma, Keyur Panchal of India, and me: a slightly older humorist (give or take 20 years). I’m currently ranked No. 1, mostly due to my seductive bacon poetry, which was dripping with… uh… sexiness?

For the final round, we are required to make a short video explaining what quality we’d like others to perceive as “sexy” about us.

So as you can see, I have my work cut out for me.  Continue reading A quick update on my sexiness