Tag: satire

Six state laws that will give you a Long Awkward Pause

It’s Saturday! That means I’m with the rest of the staff at Long Awkward Pause for the Saturday Six, which is a collection of strangeness made even more strange by our comments. Think of it as a six-pack of Yoo-Hoo with several Red Bull chasers. This week’s topic? Bizarre state laws that make you wonder if any of us are really safe from our local congressmen — even if you aren’t an intern. Our first weird state law comes from New Jersey, where apparently it is a misdemeanor to: Frown at a police officer…

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Omawarisan: …or the governor.

Chris: Or the couch you will be sleeping on after frowning at your wife for getting a speeding ticket.

Ned: Please send bail money, Chris and Adam. I should’ve read this before I left for Hoboken.

(Want to know which state lets you shoot whales, but only from your car? [Hint: It’s not Kansas]. Then follow me over to LAP!…)

Convince readers to take a leap of faith, instead of a flying leap

image Welcome to Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing, when I share writing wisdom gained through 15 years as a newspaper columnist — or as my editor calls it, “Reasons I have a cardiologist.”

But enough accolades!

As I’m sure all of you remember, the last NWOW was about the importance of honesty in all genres of writing…

Fine, no one remembers.

At least you’re honest.

In that post, I talked about how writing must ring true with readers for them to become emotionally invested. This is particularly important when it comes to fiction, where you are often asking readers to suspend their disbelief and buy into something — such as an eccentric character, over-the-top situation or random reference to the new iPad6® in hopes of getting a free one — that requires a leap of faith. I this case, your reader is making a “leap” over reality because they have faith that you, the writer, will keep them safely suspended until they land safely on the last page. Assuming, of course, your book doesn’t end with, “…Then there was a massive explosion and everybody died, including the basket of puppies.” Continue reading Convince readers to take a leap of faith, instead of a flying leap

… This Just In …

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…TAT-tat-tat-TAT-TAT-tat-tat-TAT…

[Breaking News: from another strangely irrelevant moment in our newsroom…]

Even though we’re a small community newspaper, we are located at the intersection of two major state highway arteries connecting the valley to the central Oregon coast. In fact, instead of our current newspaper slogan…

Siuslaw News — Your source for local news. Twice weekly. Unless we lose count

… there was serious talk about:

Siuslaw News — The heartbeat of local news and events. From the coast’s main artery. All in one stroke. Continue reading … This Just In …

All cultures agree on world’s worst smell — not counting frat houses

image As some of you might have noticed, there has been very little talk lately of the Star Wars Missile Defense System, which was once heralded as the ultimate defense for our nation and the world. This highly advanced system was to have been launched into outer space where, with the push of a button, it could send out missiles capable of targeting a single movie theater — or even an entire chain — should it threaten to actually screen any Star Wars movie made after 1983. It was this threat that kept George Lucas at bay for nearly 20 years.

However, in part because of the astronomical scale and cost of building this defense system, and in part because the top secret design mysteriously began appearing as McDonald’s Kid’s Meal toys, the program pretty much went down the garbage chute. Since then, the U.S. military has been looking for a new “ultimate” weapon” that possesses world-wide applications. The result is something simple; something terrifying — and something that, according to scientists at the Monell Chemical Senses Center, “is so universally repulsive it would be considered unbearable by people from ALL cultures.”

I’m talking, of course, about Jar Jar Binks. Continue reading All cultures agree on world’s worst smell — not counting frat houses

Please root for me at the World Soccer Cup

Just a heads up that I’m going to be a little busy today. I think I’m ready for the challenge. I’ve done my stretches and had five Red Bulls. Please root for me as I take on Costa Rica…

I think my biggest challenge will be passing the ball to myself.
I think my biggest challenge will be passing the ball to myself.

I wonder if I will get called for “off-sides?”

Six more reasons for a Long Awkward Pause this Saturday

It’s Saturday, which means I’m with the rest of the staff over at Long Awkward Pause commenting on this week’s Saturday Six, or as I like to call it: Six reasons to wash your eye balls. This week’s subject? Those things our kids make for us that we can’t hang on the fridge because, while thoughtful, are unintentionally inappropriate. At least we hope it’s unintentional.

For example…

imageBrainRants:  Oh, so this is just like American Pie.

Omawarisan: Buzz also knows how they fill Twinkies.

Chris: Seems like this should be Woody’s job.

Ned: When this kid grows up, I’ll never buy from his bakery.

Want more examples? Don’t worry! There’s help available! Join me over at LAP…

A few questionable observations at the mall

My favorite part about visiting a mall? Meeting new friends!
My favorite part about visiting a mall? Meeting new friends!
We live in a small town. The closest thing we have to a mall experience is one-stop shopping for a bottle of Smirnoff, a chicken sandwich and roofing tar thanks to having a True Value hardware store, Subway restaurant and liquor store all joined by a single parking lot. This is the number one complaint by visiting teenaged tourists, who are often found rocking themselves into a coma when their devices lose cell service and they raise their heads to find they are in a wirelessly foresaken land of mall-less-ness.

“WE ARE IN A WIRELESSLY FORESAKEN LAND OF MALL-LESS-NESS!” I hear them scream.

But today I am laughing at them! Ha-Ha-HA! What makes today different? Because I am doing so from a really big mall. How big, you ask? I don’t mean to brag, but let’s just say it has an escalator. In fact, I can go ice skating, ride bumper cars and buy over-priced merchandise without even breaking a sweat. At least not until I get my credit card statement. Continue reading A few questionable observations at the mall

Today’s fireworks: About as exciting as burning my old socks

(Today, I’m up to bat with a new post at Long Awkward Pause, where I’m swinging for the fences and trying not to break the office furniture. Maybe now they’ll get me that Nerf bat…)

image Except for those living in Missouri, where the only fireworks restriction is a requirement that all skyrockets exceeding the length of a standard boat trailer be flagged during transport, most Americans have watched their Independence Day fireworks excitement dwindle from first-strike capability through the 1990s, to today’s wimpy sparklers and fountains with spark-spitting action equal to…

well…

…two sparklers tied together?

Americans age 30 and older remember having sparklers so bright they could see them through their eyelids. The bravest kids would spin them like propellers, showering crackling embers everywhere and knowing full well their eyebrows would grow back by September. The trend in fireworks wimpiness came as the result of restrictions by the National Council on Fireworks Safety in an effort to reduce fireworks-related injuries and deaths throughout the United States. Not counting Missouri, which apparently no one cares about. (For more, join me over at LAP!)

Science proves ‘dark gravity’ makes push-starting your car even harder

image I certainly feel a deeper kinship with the surrounding universe. Particularly after reading how, like my own waistline, it is continuing to expand as it gets older. According to an article in TIME magazine last week, astrophysicists at the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics are close to answering one of the fundamental mysteries of space: how members of the Kardashian family can take up so much of it in tabloids.

To fully understand this phenomena, researchers at the center have turned to a property of space called “dark matter,” which I promise only sounds like another Vin Diesel “Chronicles of Riddick” sequel. In fact, dark matter is something parents have suspected for eons, but astrophysicists have only now proven the existence of: An invisible matter with a gravitational force stronger than normal gravity that pulls in the opposite direction. It is this property that 1) keeps the universe expanding in spite of the pull of planets, and 2) naturally occurs in children, which explains their ability to pull parents in two directions at once. Continue reading Science proves ‘dark gravity’ makes push-starting your car even harder

Six reasons this morning needs a Long Awkward Pause

It’s Saturday morning, and that means I’m over at Long Awkward Pause chiming in with the rest of the staff for this week’s Saturday Six, which is a collection of six observations we probably should’ve kept to ourselves. This week’s topic? That “Sexy Mug Shot Guy” who made millions of women wish there was a Cell-Match.com…

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Katie: This is the first time I’ve thought sexy mugshot guy was actually sexy, and that’s only because he’s next to Ben Stiller.

BrainRants: I’m too hetero to comment on the sexiness of either guy, real or imagined, but if I had to, I’d pick Stiller because he’d get his junk zipped up and I’d be off the hook.

Ned: This is actually a “Before/After” photo: Before he knew he was sharing a cell; after meeting his cellmate, “Three-legged Jack.”

(Okay, I’m no mathematician, but I believe that leaves, uh… *removes one Dos Eques bottle from six-pack*… five more over at LAP)