When it comes to looking ahead, look no further than your behind

imageYou should be aware that the idea of promoting an important issue through a week of “National Awareness” has gotten… How can I put this tactfully..?

Really stupid.

There was a time when, in order to command the attention of our entire country for a whole week, you actually needed to have an issue that was important. It needed to be something that could save lives, improve society or, at the very least, boost the sale of Hallmark cards.

But not anymore.

I say this because, as you may or may not know, we’re in the middle of “National Psychic Week.” What? You didn’t know? Don’t worry! There’s actually another one in August. That’s the good news. The bad news is that there’s a good chance you are not psychic. According to one website, the purpose of each week-long focus is to: “dispel skepticism [of psychics] through factual awareness.

Thanks to an article that appeared in the Eugene Register-Guard, I have a better understanding of how it might take an entire week to dispel all that skepticism — especially after reading about Ulf Buck, a blind psychic from Meldorf, Germany, who claims he can read people’s futures by feeling their naked buttocks. Continue reading When it comes to looking ahead, look no further than your behind

Who knew navigating heavy traffic meant being in the right hemisphere?

image Welcome to this week’s edition of Post Traumatic Sunday, which are all posts involving my ex-wife. None of them have appeared on this blog before, and only a couple were included in my book. Though none of these posts will be mean-spirited or vindictive, it’s easy to recognize I was someone coping with an unhappy marriage through humor. Eight years later, I am happily re-married (ridiculously so) and inspired to write — and laugh — for the right reasons.

Finally, we can all laugh together…

* * * * * *

It’s a well-known fact that men and women think differently. This is because of the right and left hemispheres of the brain. While women tend to rely on the more creative, right hemisphere of the brain, which is responsible for verbal skills and abstract thoughts, men favor the more technical left side of the brain, which is mainly reserved for thoughts of sports and beer. Continue reading Who knew navigating heavy traffic meant being in the right hemisphere?

The night my rump was roasted — a hindsight retrospective

Ellen and her friends Tweeting at my book signing.
Ellen and her friends Tweeting at my book signing.
Welcome to Ned’s Nickel’s Worth On Writing, a weekly feature that Publisher’s Weekly has called:

A complete…time.
And
“(Not a)…waste…

Or as The Master of Horror® Stephen King calls it, “My lawyer’s first stop every morning.”

But enough with the accolades! For those who might be visiting for the first time, I’d like to welcome you! I’d also like a note from your mother explaining where you’ve been. Please have it by next Friday. Or like my kids, just wait, knowing I’ll probably have forgotten by then. Although I do eventually remember who they are. Continue reading The night my rump was roasted — a hindsight retrospective

I can explain…

image

Many of those who followed my live coverage of the Oscars on Sunday night have been asking how I managed to post insider reports as they happened while remaining at home in my pajamas, and nowhere near Hollywood. And until this photo was leaked on Twitter, I had no intention of revealing my secret. However, in light of this recent development, I feel the need to explain. Continue reading I can explain…

Photo from The Box reveals link to Harry Potter, Hunger Games

"Skippy" the rabid, blindfolded squirrel.
“Skippy” the rabid, blindfolded squirrel.

Every office has its odd ball. You know, that member who’s just a little different from the rest of the staff? Our editorial room at Siuslaw News is no exception. It’s just that our odd ball happens to be a rabid, blindfolded squirrel named “Skippy.” But like every odd ball, he is uniquely qualified to perform a certain function that no one can do quite as well. Which is why, in spite of the risk of being attacked and bitten, I continue working with our editor; because she has the final say on keeping Skippy.

What is Skippy’s function? To assist me each Tuesday in choosing a random photo from The Box, which is a collection of unclaimed and unidentified photos in our newsroom dating back to the 1980s. The selection process begins with me dumping the contents of The Box onto the floor of our newsroom after my fellow reporters are deep in thought (drooling on their keyboards). To assure that the selection process is completely random, I then yell “RELEASE THE SQUIRREL!” and let Skippy loose in the newsroom. The photo closest to the first reporter to scream — whether it be a man or woman — is chosen. Continue reading Photo from The Box reveals link to Harry Potter, Hunger Games

What could be my last update LIVE from the Oscars (on my TV)

image Being a journalist, I am bringing you Academy Awards updates and observations throughout the evening LIVE! As they happen!

On my television…

Cate Blanchett won for Best Actress, becoming the first major award winner of the evening that wasn’t associated with “Gravity.” In an ironic twist, she tripped on her way out and landed on her face. Proving that everything actually IS associated with gravity.

Wake UP! I’m reporting Live from the Oscars! (On my TV)

image Being a journalist, I am bringing you Academy Awards updates and observations throughout the evening LIVE! As they happen!

On my television…

Okay, for those who have been unable to watch the Oscars this year due to unavoidable circumstances (The Walking Dead), here are the winners so far:

Anyone who had anything to do with the movie “Gravity.”

The Academy even created a new award recognizing the planet Earth for having gravity…

Yet another exciting moment LIVE from the Oscars (on my TV)

image Being a journalist, I am bringing you Academy Awards updates and observations throughout the evening LIVE! As they happen!

On my television…

I really thought I might win an Oscar for Best Live-Action Short since it was the only category Gravity wasn’t nominated in. I guess it’s about who you know.

And probably talent.

Another moment LIVE from the Oscars! (On my TV)

image Being a journalist, I am bringing you Academy Awards updates and observations throughout the evening LIVE! As they happen!

On my television…

Does anyone else find it ironic that the Outstanding Achievement in Sound award went to Gravity, a move that takes place in space — where there IS no sound?

Live from the Oscars! (on my TV)

image Being a journalist, I will be bringing you Academy Awards updates and observations throughout the evening LIVE! As they happen!

On my television.

We’ll begin with the red carpet, where stylist experts have been providing detailed descriptions of the extravagant fashions worn to Hollywood’s biggest night. For example:

“And there’ Mathew McConaughey wearing a white jacket and black tie. With him is his beautiful wife, wearing a pink dress. Oh, and there’s Jennifer Roberts in a striking dress!”

Wow. Great job, Seal.